Haunted by my past and by the effect of cbt on my family

[wellherewego]

I am haunted every second by mistakes I have made and the consequences and consequences that have yet to come. I can't do this anymore. I should be obtaining my method this Friday.

But at the same time I am haunted by the effect it will have on my family who will never understand, and the image I will leave of a weak and psychotic person. Also have lingering SI and some mourning for a future life unrealized.

Either way is hell, at least with cbt I won't be around to be aware of it, I guess I'm a shit person even in death. I wish I could come to terms with that. I wish I had never been born sometimes.

I can't even cry all I can do it suffer minute to minute and try to put on a mask and wonder every second if this will be the day/hour/minute/second that pushes me over the edge. Sometimes I have to make myself gag just to get some endorphines to carry on a bit longer until I get get home in bed.

At least I will have my method on hand soon, but even that makes me feel guilty.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds very unbearable what you are going through. I'm sorry that you have to endure that. Living can be very painful as our thoughts can torture us. I hope you find peace and relief from your suffering in whatever happens.

 

[GreenTree]

You sound like me. I've made many mistakes and feel deep shame. The worse thing is the family suffer too. Can accept me suffering but not family.