Venting Hating yourself fucks everything up

[lastappleonearth]

I guess that's pretty obvious, but I really didn't see it for such a long time. I think I've been hating or at least strongly disliking myself for a pretty long time now, but I think that I didn't always fully realise the extent of it and it was more subconsciously if that makes sense. But yeah, even hating yourself subconsciously can fuck a lot up tbh. I ruined basically all my friendships and relationships and I didn't even see what I was doing back then, I just pushed people away, self sabotaged every good thing I had going for me and in the process hurt a bunch of people. I of course deeply regret this now and I don't understand how I didn't see it back then and couldn't stop myself. I just didn't believe I deserved something good to happen to me I guess, so I destroyed everything. It's awful and it leads to loneliness and isolation and a ton of regrets obv, I honestly don't wish it on anyone. I really don't blame anyone for leaving, they tried their best to stay, but sooner or later everyone is going to leave, if you push them away further and further and most will never return. I wish I could at least apologise.
If you ever find yourself behaving in similar fashion, self sabotaging and putting all your most important relationships in jeopardy, pls if u can, try to stop yourself. I guess I didn't try hard enough and then it all was over so quickly and now I'm just alone

 

[pickedmyctbdate]

I feel this so much. I see nothing valuable about myself. In some ways, I feel like I'm already dead.

 

[lastappleonearth]

I feel this so much. I see nothing valuable about myself. In some ways, I feel like I'm already dead.

I'm sorry you also feel this way, I hope that we can someday feel better about ourselves

 

[Cauliflour]

How to hate yourself while also still having strong relationships:
- disassociation!
- lying!
- masochism!
It's not healthy but it works! (please don't actually try these)

 

[lastappleonearth]

How to hate yourself while also still having strong relationships:
- disassociation!
- lying!
- masochism!
It's not healthy but it works! (please don't actually try these)

Lying works for a while, but in the end it makes everything so much worse, well in my experience. Idk, I guess it's just hard to accept love, when you have none for yourself. Tough I still wish I'd have seen, what I was doing back then and stopped myself

 

[Cauliflour]

Lying works for a while, but in the end it makes everything so much worse, well in my experience. Idk, I guess it's just hard to accept love, when you have none for yourself. Tough I still wish I'd have seen, what I was doing back then and stopped myself

Disassociation is a right pain in the ass but it's great if you wanna feel positive about yourself without actually complimenting yourself. I do it all the time: consciously and subconsciously. If you see yourself as moreso a character in this world rather than well, you, it becomes easier to accept the little positive things about yourself while still rolling in self hatred cause it's about you (the character) not you (the personal being in control)!

Another thing is just trying to not think about it or bring it up, or if it is being brought up (like someone on a date asking about your good qualities) just lie to yourself and keep up a facade. As long as what you're saying is still humble then I think it's ok. I think.

 

[lastappleonearth]

Disassociation is a right pain in the ass but it's great if you wanna feel positive about yourself without actually complimenting yourself. I do it all the time: consciously and subconsciously. If you see yourself as moreso a character in this world rather than well, you, it becomes easier to accept the little positive things about yourself while still rolling in self hatred cause it's about you (the character) not you (the personal being in control)!

I do basically the exact same thing and yeah, surprisingly it works. It's as if you're viewing yourself from the outside if that makes sense. I don't know if that's part of it, but often times everything surrounding me seems so unreal, as if it wasn't there (even though it clearly is and I can literally see it). Idk, I kinda like feeling that way

 

[Cauliflour]

I do basically the exact same thing and yeah, surprisingly it works. It's as if you're viewing yourself from the outside if that makes sense. I don't know if that's part of it, but often times everything surrounding me seems so unreal, as if it wasn't there (even though it clearly is and I can literally see it). Idk, I kinda like feeling that way

I actually made a whole post about disassociation like 2 days ago. It's gotten so bad for me that my autistic instincts of getting uncomfortable when making direct eye contact translates into looking at myself in the mirror. I'm an artist so I sorta just see myself as like another one of my OCs (I guess I'm the live action adaptation version).

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

I am sometimes wondering if that is or was sometimes my issue as well and whether or not it led me to self sabotaging, too, but I remain unsure if it really was. I tend to think not from what I read here and it also never came up in many years of therapy. I rather believe that on some occasions I was too full of myself, but that might just be masking my self hatred.

In order to get some more clarity on this:
If you don't mind, can you give some examples as to how the behaviour you described actually looked like in practice @lastappleonearth ? Anyone else of course also feel free to chime in.