guilt!!

[MariV]

today, when going home with my dad from the hospital (after millions of times) i told him that i hated so much to be such a burden for him and that i should better just end it all.

he told me he couldnt think of anything more devastating and that he would rather get his limbs amputated than losing me. and that a friend of his lost a son to a traffic accident and always tells him how horrific he feels about that.

on the other hand he says that he detests me being unhappy, and i am very much, which could be solved by ctb.

ah...how shitty can life be

 

[purplesmoothie]

Same exact situation here op :( sucks

 

[Ghost2211]

I can understand as a parent how horrible it is to imagine losing your child. Will he listen if you talk to him about what you're going through and why you want to die?

 

[whywere]

Parents can be a 2 edge sword. My heart truly breaks for you, when I was young I experienced the same mind twisting crap from my "dad" They solved that by kicking me out. All the love and peace in the world to you my friend. I care and love you and only want the best for you!!!!!!!!!

 

[MariV]

I can understand as a parent how horrible it is to imagine losing your child. Will he listen if you talk to him about what you're going through and why you want to die?

yes...also to my mum. and they say that its definitely understandable. i got some rly nasty cards dealt in life.they absolutely agree. im an only child, that makes it even worse i guess.
whatever...i guess many here are in the same boat.

 

[Ghost2211]

yes...also to my mum. and they say that its definitely understandable. i got some rly nasty cards dealt in life.they absolutely agree. im an only child, that makes it even worse i guess.
whatever...i guess many here are in the same boat.

It's good to hear they understand. Being able to feel the pain of loss but not prevent it is a beautiful and difficult form of love.

 

[MariV]

but its selfish isnt it? it would never cross my mind to want somebody who is unhappy to stay in this world.

i remember when my father got to know im gay...made a tantrum and said: how can you do this to me? i wanted to have grandchildren. how egoistic.and made my life hell. but well thats another story.

why should i feel now pity for him?

 

[MariV]

ah...what horrible things frustration makes me say now that i read it again. he was just worried and confused back then. he is a good person. he has been a great dad thats the harsh truth. im gonna torment with my death a good person :(