Scacie
She/Her
- Feb 24, 2023
- 243
Hey. If things go as planned ill CTB in less than 12hours from now. I unfortunately can't follow the 48hr regimen(More of a 35hr regimen), so I hope that doesn't change things too much. The situation surrounding my leave is less than fortunate, and I can't devolve any more out of my own safety(and paranoia). However, I have delegated someone else to tell my story after I'm gone. She marks English essays for a living so it'll probably be good lol.
I cant devolve much of anything, but all objective evidence points to me CTB. I'm in an extremely situation, and I'm powerless to change it. Had I made this post weeks ago, it would have been an simple answer. But love makes even the most objective head indecisive. In my time here, I found 2 people that I love more than anything else in the world. I never expected any of these when I first joined, and they make my life bearable each and every day. If some things had not happened, I would have stayed on for them, at least for a little bit. I think of the activities that I'll never do with them. And the love makes me think of completely irrational alternatives. Right now I'm debating between CTB and admitting myself to the psych ward, just so I can be with them. My rational mind is screaming that option 2 is a horrible choice. I know a little about psychology, and with all my mental illness and environment, my recovery will be way way way too long. I won't be joking if I say it can take over a decade. Admitting myself and saying the truth would mean giving up my exit ticket forever, and I'm not strong enough the suffering it brings. I don't want to lock myself in this prison. I want to be free.
I'm torn. The emergency mental health chat services in the country are all closed, because obviously suicidal people also take breaks on public holidays lol. I don't know if I want to call, if I divulge it I might be robbed of the opportunity to leave.
I'm going to follow the regimen until the time comes. If I end up going someone else will tell my story for me. I have faith in her.
Advice will be welcome, and I'll update.
I cant devolve much of anything, but all objective evidence points to me CTB. I'm in an extremely situation, and I'm powerless to change it. Had I made this post weeks ago, it would have been an simple answer. But love makes even the most objective head indecisive. In my time here, I found 2 people that I love more than anything else in the world. I never expected any of these when I first joined, and they make my life bearable each and every day. If some things had not happened, I would have stayed on for them, at least for a little bit. I think of the activities that I'll never do with them. And the love makes me think of completely irrational alternatives. Right now I'm debating between CTB and admitting myself to the psych ward, just so I can be with them. My rational mind is screaming that option 2 is a horrible choice. I know a little about psychology, and with all my mental illness and environment, my recovery will be way way way too long. I won't be joking if I say it can take over a decade. Admitting myself and saying the truth would mean giving up my exit ticket forever, and I'm not strong enough the suffering it brings. I don't want to lock myself in this prison. I want to be free.
I'm torn. The emergency mental health chat services in the country are all closed, because obviously suicidal people also take breaks on public holidays lol. I don't know if I want to call, if I divulge it I might be robbed of the opportunity to leave.
I'm going to follow the regimen until the time comes. If I end up going someone else will tell my story for me. I have faith in her.
Advice will be welcome, and I'll update.
