Going to the hospital until I’m ready to die

[willitpass]

I can't do this. I can't live in the real world. I don't seem to be made for living. Any freedom I am given, my mental illness takes it and runs with it. I've already started to torture myself again in the few weeks since coming home from residential, and have been planning more ways to do it. Yet I'm not ready to actively CTB either. I am living in a hellish purgatory. It is horrific. Yet the only other option for continuing to live is to check myself back into residential. To institutionalize myself. That is another hellish purgatory.

I have made the decision to find a compromise with myself. I will check myself back into the hospital, go back to residential, and wait until my mind has decided it is ready to CTB. I will then either elope or discharge, and go CTB. Residential allows me to at least feel momentary joy. I am able to find some things that bring me happiness, even if it is only fleeting. And I don't have to mask, which is so fucking exhausting. I've completely lost my sense of joy again since being home. I feel completely disconnected from those I love. I am falling apart again. Getting myself into the hospital is all I can think of to ease my suffering a little bit until I am ready to go.

This is a fucked world I live in. Why are these my options?

 

[willitpass]

Off to the hospital. I highly doubt they won't admit me.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Thinking of you

 

[Griever]

 

[opheliaoveragain]

we're here with you. i'll be checking in on you. you did good making that compromise with yourself. you deserve respite, even if only temporary. love to you friend.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

All the best!

 

[CatLvr]

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Thinking of you. I am really praying that your decision ended up being the correct one to make.

 

[Mooncry]

I think about you often.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Just tapping in to let you know I'm thinking about you. <3

 

[willitpass]

Still in the hospital, managed to snag my phone for a minute to "check a number". I've gotten significantly worse and have made it to the place I needed- willing to go through with self-immolation. Just waiting to get discharged soon. I've completely lost myself. I no longer feel anything about my cat even. I haven't even called into work because I don't care, I might not even have a job anymore and it doesn't bother me.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

We're here with you, I clicked in as soon as I saw you updated as I just had a feeling. You have fought so hard for so long and I think anyone here who knows you can see that. You tried everything you could. I know we can't take away what you're feeling but just know that there are people here, including me, who give a fuck and genuinely care, this IS NOT re: guilt. I just wanted to make clear that you don't need to go through what might be final thoughts and so on fully alone. I wish I could give you the longest hug. I'll be looking out for your posts <3

 

[willitpass]

I've fully given up. I've never been this low. This truly is the end. My dad begged me not to set myself on fire because he can't bare the thought of having to identify my body. That would have broken me before. Now I feel nothing. The time has come.

 

[CatLvr]

What I would give to have whatever it is you need to feel whole. I respect your choices, and understand why you make the choices you do, but it also breaks my heart to know you are in such pain. May peace find you.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

echoing my friend up thread. I, too wish there was anything any of us could do to take this pain away. because we'd do so in an instant. I also respect your choices and I understand why you are where you are, as far as what you've shared here.

I wish so badly the world was better. I know you've said your piece on keeping people at arms length and I have always found that respectable because I truly understand the why behind it. it's hard to grow to care about someone just to have them leave, but.

you deserve relief. true relief. and a peace that you could never find here.

and I hope you know and believe people here love and care about you and want to be here with you through this, as much as possible, as much as you feel comfortable with.

I hope this made sense. i'm not gonna lie and say i'm not emotional. that's not meant to sway, just honest.

 

[willitpass]

Still in the hospital. I've been bouncing between getting out and doing it at home near family vs going back to residential and doing it out of state. I haven't committed one way or the other, however I know I have reached the end, whichever way it comes. I no longer have anything I care about. I have no passions. No motivations. No hope. I am terminal. I am at deaths door, just waiting to open it. The agony that death will cause me will be worth not living like this any longer. The mind is a cruel thing. Mental illness is relentless. I was simply not made in such a way to be able to exist in this world.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

waking up and seeing this made me really happy. please don't take that the wrong way. I have mad respect for you in general. I was just hoping really hard that that last post was not the last post. I was thinking about you. the loss of your presence here will absolutely be felt, whenever that time comes. but even then, you are loved by others here, we've seen the struggle, I accept that there will be a last post but im glad that wasn't it. I assume you have it figured out whether near or far in a way that won't cause an unintentional fire etc. we're here with you.

 

[willitpass]

Going back to residential. Likely going to CTB in the spot I had picked out last time that is a safe distance from buildings and nature to not cause a large fire. Will be in the hospital the next couple of weeks before a bed becomes available.

 

[onmywaytothebusstop]

I can't do this. I can't live in the real world. I don't seem to be made for living. Any freedom I am given, my mental illness takes it and runs with it. I've already started to torture myself again in the few weeks since coming home from residential, and have been planning more ways to do it. Yet I'm not ready to actively CTB either. I am living in a hellish purgatory. It is horrific. Yet the only other option for continuing to live is to check myself back into residential. To institutionalize myself. That is another hellish purgatory.

I have made the decision to find a compromise with myself. I will check myself back into the hospital, go back to residential, and wait until my mind has decided it is ready to CTB. I will then either elope or discharge, and go CTB. Residential allows me to at least feel momentary joy. I am able to find some things that bring me happiness, even if it is only fleeting. And I don't have to mask, which is so fucking exhausting. I've completely lost my sense of joy again since being home. I feel completely disconnected from those I love. I am falling apart again. Getting myself into the hospital is all I can think of to ease my suffering a little bit until I am ready to go.

This is a fucked world I live in. Why are these my options?

This is so relatable.

I came from residential about a month ago. I felt like i was doing a bit better and i've completely crashed since then waiting to go to another place and hopefully find some joy again.

 

[willitpass]

Off to residential again…

 

[willitpass]

I read up on my hospital notes. I had many conversations with the doctors about how the mental healthcare system has nothing really left to offer me and that it should he my right to die at this point. That it is infuriating that because it is mental illness and not something that can be picked up on a lab test or imaging that there is no amount of pain where it's deemed rational to say I'm done and want to give up. I have given up on feeding into the mental healthcare system's bullshit and going along with what they want to hear. This time around I've been fully honest with them that I think it's bullshit. Of course in their notes they worded things to make it seem like I was in some incredibly irrational state of mind and that there is no way those things could have been said out of the mouth of someone who knew what they were talking about.

 

[Alexandra0]

I have the same thing, a repeating cycle every day. Nine circles of Hell. I'm sorry you suffer. What a terrible thing depression is. Living with terrible, incurable depression is torture, when your body eats itself

 

[opheliaoveragain]

that's so maddening. of course they have to word it like that bc fuck forbid they realize what they're doing isn't working.

 

[willitpass]

Been doing better with suicidal thoughts and improved the apathy. I'm not well, because when am I ever, but I'm in a much more stable spot with that. But holy fuck has my eating disorder just taken hold. I am in a complete relapse. And the thing about it is that I've been in a full relapse since April, meaning that I've been in the hospital/residential for over half of that time. And they see my eating patterns. They know I'm only eating about 800-1000 calories a day. They know almost all of those calories come from cottage cheese, yogurt, and fruit. They know I'm restricting my fluids to only 36oz of black coffee a day and absolutely nothing else, no water or anything. They see it. I tell it all to the dieticians. I don't hide it. Hell, several times I've even told them I want help. That I don't want to live like this. And it has lead nowhere. Maybe it's because I'm not at a low weight, technically speaking my BMI is back in the overweight range. Maybe it's because my lab tests are pretty normal. I don't know. But absolutely nothing is being done. I wouldn't be surprised if they send me home within the next couple of weeks since my depression is stable without ever addressing the ED. That's what happened last time. I told them when I left that I was worried I would relapse, and all they said was "sorry we didn't get to work on it more".

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Been doing better with suicidal thoughts and improved the apathy. I'm not well, because when am I ever, but I'm in a much more stable spot with that. But holy fuck has my eating disorder just taken hold. I am in a complete relapse. And the thing about it is that I've been in a full relapse since April, meaning that I've been in the hospital/residential for over half of that time. And they see my eating patterns. They know I'm only eating about 800-1000 calories a day. They know almost all of those calories come from cottage cheese, yogurt, and fruit. They know I'm restricting my fluids to only 36oz of black coffee a day and absolutely nothing else, no water or anything. They see it. I tell it all to the dieticians. I don't hide it. Hell, several times I've even told them I want help. That I don't want to live like this. And it has lead nowhere. Maybe it's because I'm not at a low weight, technically speaking my BMI is back in the overweight range. Maybe it's because my lab tests are pretty normal. I don't know. But absolutely nothing is being done. I wouldn't be surprised if they send me home within the next couple of weeks since my depression is stable without ever addressing the ED. That's what happened last time. I told them when I left that I was worried I would relapse, and all they said was "sorry we didn't get to work on it more".

so happy to hear about that first part.

re the ED: I get this so much. and it's frustrating bc you're being SO damn honest etc and yet why not work on addressing it esp since you've directly asked to do such. I simply cannot make sense of that assuming there are people there that can address the ED properly.

no sense at all. keep advocating for yourself on this as much as you can. being so deeply honest esp with Ana is sorta rare bc of how secretive things can grow and imbed etc. but fuck you did the hard things! you said it, showed them, all of it. i'm frustrated FOR you.

but regardless I think of you often.

sending hugs. take the small wins where you can. we're here.

 

[willitpass]

so happy to hear about that first part.

re the ED: I get this so much. and it's frustrating bc you're being SO damn honest etc and yet why not work on addressing it esp since you've directly asked to do such. I simply cannot make sense of that assuming there are people there that can address the ED properly.

no sense at all. keep advocating for yourself on this as much as you can. being so deeply honest esp with Ana is sorta rare bc of how secretive things can grow and imbed etc. but fuck you did the hard things! you said it, showed them, all of it. i'm frustrated FOR you.

but regardless I think of you often.

sending hugs. take the small wins where you can. we're here.

Part of me worries that my honesty is kind of backfiring. This is purely an assumption and I have no evidence to back it up, but I feel like it's so common for people to assume someone who is not trying to hide their ED is for some reason or another faking it. I'm not out here making a big deal out of how small my meals are or telling everyone I see about it, but I'm not hiding it either. And maybe they see it as some sort of attention seeking behavior? That'd be a hell of a length to go to for some attention.

I've been living in this hell for about 3 years now and have finally gotten so fed up with hiding it and pretending it isn't an issue. I finally start telling people, showing people, finally stopped hiding it all, only to be met with nothing in return. It's so disheartening.