Regret decision to be a vegetable

[Penguin96]

Hi,

I got medical retirement in 2023, due to severe mental illness. Back then, I thought that if my condition got worse, I would have a backup plan, so I didnt become a vegetable. Well, I forgot about that plan ... and now I'm at a residential home, waiting for permanent psychiatric placement. I wont get any better ... just feels like psychiatry wants to keep you alive. I dont see the point with this life. My bipolar wreaks havoc on my life. Maybe I can get some kind of a life. Right now I have tons of issues in life, so that makes me really, depressed.

I just dont know if I live with dignity. I have adhd, borderline, and bipolar. My bipolar is pretty severe ... I just have flight of ideas all day, get hypomanic, and switch activities, throughout the days. I took an overdose in March, just impulsively, and ended up 3 days in coma, and got psychotic, when I woke up. Well, here I am ... can I get a life worth living? I'm for assisted suicide ... I'm afraid to get brain injuries from a suicide attempt. Like SN, hanging, or overdose. Well I did take an overdose, but it wasnt, planned.

Anyone in a similar situation, or have some thoughts, on my situation? I really regret not doing SN ... Life just happend, and I forgot about it. I just go around all day with flight of ideas, hypomania, depression, grandiosity. The list goes on. Just a vegetable. Doctors loves to keep you alive. I dont understand their perspective. I will tell them about it, when I meet them, in August. Im too afraid to hang myself. SN would have been great, but I wont be able to get the ingrediense anymore. Too late for that. I have no idea what other suicide methods there are.

If you have any ideas, let me know.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Someone I knew went through something similar. Is it completely out of the realm of possibilities to check out of the facility for a week, a day, an hour, anything?

 

[Penguin96]

I tried to move home a month ago. But, it didn't end well. Maybe I should just begin to write, again. I have to use all these ideas, I have, in my brain. I wrote fiction and poetry, before. I always thought that I had issues, with my identity, since I have borderline. But, Im starting to think that the issue is, that I have so many thoughts in my mind, that I don't get anywhere. It's going under, or usuing all these thoughts, for a purpose. I will try today.

 

[Pangs93]

I really relate. I don't have bipolar or flight of ideas but I do have severe, debilitating OCD. I was diagnosed at 13 and after 2 decades its only gotten worse and worse. Majority of my days are consumed by intrusive thoughts, rumination and other mental compulsions, along with physical compulsions. I live mostly inside my own mind with no way to escape. Its a miserable existence and a huge driving force behind my suicidality. It can barely be called living.

I have no words of wisdom or way to help. I can only commiserate with you about how painful a life it is to live with severe mh issues.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

No, moving out wouldn't end well. I was curious if you could ever leave long enough to put a CTB plan together, but you're nowhere near being ready to do that.

 

[Penguin96]

Hi. I wrote for like 2 hours. Didn't make me better. Talked with the staff, here. I'm going to try religious studies again. Give it a try. I've been both a Buddhist and a Christian. I have trauma from growing up, so it was very hard to find an identity. I'm also going to order some books on trauma. I have a year here, to stay, before I get a psychiatric home. I have plenty of time, to read, and get better.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Hi. I wrote for like 2 hours. Didn't make me better. Talked with the staff, here. I'm going to try religious studies again. Give it a try. I've been both a Buddhist and a Christian. I have trauma from growing up, so it was very hard to find an identity. I'm also going to order some books on trauma. I have a year here, to stay, before I get a psychiatric home. I have plenty of time, to read, and get better.

No, I'm so sorry. It's like you said in your original post, you seemed much more lucid then. You're going to continue to change your mind about what you want/need every few hours. Those do sound like lovely distractions, though.

 

[Ashu]

I tried to move home a month ago. But, it didn't end well. Maybe I should just begin to write, again. I have to use all these ideas, I have, in my brain. I wrote fiction and poetry, before. I always thought that I had issues, with my identity, since I have borderline. But, Im starting to think that the issue is, that I have so many thoughts in my mind, that I don't get anywhere. It's going under, or usuing all these thoughts, for a purpose. I will try today.

I strongly encourage you to do that. I'm a writer too, a novelist. Most artists are more or less tormented and crazy. It is our fate, it's how we live with it, and it's a beautiful and honorable thing.

Hi. I wrote for like 2 hours. Didn't make me better. Talked with the staff, here. I'm going to try religious studies again. Give it a try. I've been both a Buddhist and a Christian. I have trauma from growing up, so it was very hard to find an identity. I'm also going to order some books on trauma. I have a year here, to stay, before I get a psychiatric home. I have plenty of time, to read, and get better.

Follow your heart. Sometimes you'll read, sometimes you'll write, sometimes you'll despair.

 

[android]

It is not my place to say, but in my opinion you seem to have medicalised yourself. Bipolar disorder is not a cancer in your body. It is a characteristic of your mind. The way that the medical community chooses to characterise a mind is mostly binary. They say that some set of symptoms is to be considered "sick", and the lack of those symptoms is considered "wellness". It's all completely arbitrary. You are not a vegetable unless you believe you are one. You are not sick unless you believe you are. You don't have delusions of grandeur or bipolar disorder or hypomania, unless you believe the concept of those things.

If you really do wish you never were vegetated, then maybe consider finding a way to let go of those beliefs, and try your best to just simply be. Let the episodes happen. Let the chaos come. Ride the roller coaster of emotions. I know it does not feel good, but perhaps that is just what life is meant to be. Maybe we are all just units of suffering, some more aware of it than others. Who is to say that the suffering disappears when our bodies physically pass? That too, is a belief, arising from a mind that we know all too well cannot be trusted.

It is a lot harder to live when you have been so strictly pushed in a box and told you have problems. Try to see yourself beyond that box. You are a mind that is maybe in a body. You eat, drink, and sleep. Everything else is, well, a "characteristic of the mind", a belief that originates in a place that only you can control and have access to. At the end of the day, it really is that simple.

I wish you well.