Venting Genuinely painful to think about my own death

[ma0]

Every single night, without fail, I'm just lying in bed trying to sleep, when I start thinking about my own CTB. It keeps me up, prevents me from closing my eyes, then that leads to me thinking about it even more, then more, then more, until it's genuinely painful to think about and I need to turn the light on for a moment.

This has been happening for a while, and needless to say, I don't really like it. I think it might be a sign of how far gone I am, how little hope there is left.

Please tell me I'm not the only one that this happens to, surely this is a shared experience.

 

[Seiba]

Many nights I've paced and paced fruitlessly before bed thinking about suicide. Many nights I toss and turn while thinking about it. During a lot of work shifts it comes into mind, only kind of vaguely disappearing into the background when it gets really busy at my retail job.

You're not alone.

 

[R. A.]

I'm literally avoiding sleep right now despite being extremely sleep deprived because tending to some physical illness bullshit before bed took far more time and caused far more trauma than planned. Right now I have to do this every night before bed. I'll realistically probably pass out in an instant but my mind cannot stop right now because thought of stopping and inevitably having my mind overtaken by how fucked things are and how much I want to off myself is horrifying.

I hate this for us.