Gathering items and overthinking

[Idoe.know]

I got sick this past week and had to miss out on the annual family vacation. I was initially quite upset because I was genuinely looking forward to going and being with my family; this year has been especially hard on me and I've not seen anyone in my family since last year due to being a depressed recluse. I was going to allow myself to try to have fun and try not to worry or think of my issues. I thought people would be sad I couldn't go, but no one was. Not even my mother, the person who states they care so much about me; however, she did mention my sister was her favorite recently, so I guess who cares as long as the golden child went.

I'm buying my supplies this week to CTB. I'm getting things for an exit bag. I'm too much of a baby to do something more violent. I'm wondering what I can do to assure I won't chicken out this time. I am wondering if anyone has any good tips of what I can do to calm that primal urge to stay alive? I also am scared of the afterlife. I know I will get what I deserve, but I'm such a baby to pain. I really hope my religious beliefs are incorrect and all that is waiting for me after I CTB is darkness.

I also have rope for semi suspension and charcoal grill. Would those options be better? I just am unsure at this point. All I know is I need to do this. I'm tired of crying and feeling so unloved and alone. I'm tired of being fooled by people who say they love and care but are just saying that. I really am at my wits end and I don't know what to do anymore. I want all of this to be over. I wish this was easy.

 

[makethepainstop]

I'm sorry you are having such pain. I wish that you should find peace. Love and hugs to you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also wish that suicide is easier. It's unfair how it can be this difficult to leave all of the suffering behind. I don't believe in any afterlife and there is no evidence that one even exists in the first place. I think that when we die we return to the peaceful nonexistence where we were at before we were born where time passed and yet we were not aware of anything. This life really can be so cruel, painful and I understand feeling tired of existing. I wish you freedom from all suffering.