NSFW Gallows Humor (Please share dark jokes) 😂🤣😅

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

 

[hang in there]

I work on an ambulance and the baby we were transporting had a heart attack and died.
The first thing we said to eachother afterward was dead baby jokes
"How do you get a dead baby out of a blender? Doritos"
"How do you get a dead baby to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you throw it"
"How many dead babies can you fit in a trash can? IDK I'm not done counting yet"
ahahaha... bad times...

 

[maniac116]

Not Suffering
My best friend sadly passed away yesterday so I went to see his wife today.

I said to her, "Look on the bright side, at least he's not suffering anymore."

She replied, "But he wasn't ill, he died suddenly."

I said, "I know, I meant being married to you."

 

[maniac116]

Years ago, when one could actually enjoy travel, a man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem and while they were there, the wife unfortunately passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000." The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!"

 

[daysnumbered]

Hello, how's it hanging?

 

[Pale_Rider]

Me to my counselor; "I'm gonna accomplish my mission even if it kills me!"

( Context; I refer to my death wish as a mission )

 

[maniac116]

 

[CeaseExist]

What squeals in the grass?

raped 12 year old

 

[daysnumbered]

How is the view from the tower?
It's to die for.

 

[maniac116]

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home...

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

 

[maniac116]

Knock, knock.
(Who's there?)
Death.
(Death who?)
Death comes for us all [whispers to self]...

...but seriously why is it taking so long?!

 

[maniac116]

 

[anonymous1234554321]

My favorite one:
- me immediately after waking up in the morning: "ok, so it's the life... it seems I yesterday wanted to cease to breathe? Is it really that bad?"
- me after 5 seconds after that: "oh, I think I understand... yes, sometimes immediately after waking up some of my thoughts are bull$hit. So when will my SN be delivered?"

 

[maniac116]

A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc.

The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, screaming: WHYYYY!!??

The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says:

I'm just messing with you! It was born dead.

 

[maniac116]

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend."

The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "
Thanks, Dad," the son says.

The father shakes his head and says, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

From SNL

Michael Che:

2 81 year old women have traveled the world in 80 days.
After the post office lost their ashes.

 

[maniac116]

Depressing pickup lines.
Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-depressants?
Because if I don't have you every day I'm going to kill myself.

Are you a coffin?
Because I really wish I was inside you right now.

Are you a coroner?
Because I really want you to inspect my body.

Are you a death certificate?
Because I really wish you were mine.

Are you an electrical outlet?
Because I really want to stick my fingers in you.

Are you traffic?
Because running into you would really make my day.

Are you a sinking ship?
Because I'd really like to go down on you.

 

[maniac116]

A guy was walking to a bar. On his way, he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her, and they ended up fooling around.

The guy gets to the bar, and his friends ask why he's so late. He tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they tried out.

The friends give him props and ask if he got head. The guy replies:

I couldn't find it.

 

[Linda]

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You do need one if you want to go skydiving twice.

In reality, you do need one even if you don't plan to jump twice. Nobody will let you jump out of a plane without one. The other people on your load would certainly stop you.

 

[maniac116]

I was in a bar drinking a martini when a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?"

I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet," and we all laughed and laughed.
Well, except one person.

 

[bankai]

Well well well I'll be damned,a place to post my favorite comedian Anthony jizzlenecks dark jokes,

In reality, you do need one even if you don't plan to jump twice. Nobody will let you jump out of a plane without one. The other people on your load would certainly stop you.

Linda you do know that is the place for dark jokes right?please darken our doorstep with your jokes.don't bring your level headed wisdom into this place

 

[maniac116]

1. Knock knock. Who's there? Doctor. Doctor who? Exactly.
2. I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort.
3. They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.
4. What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
5. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was a kid.

 

[Griever]

I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work

 

[bankai]

 

[maniac116]

 

[maniac116]

 

[deadeyesnowman]

I got one.

Me and a murderer walked into a bar. He stabbed me. I died brutally.

Funny, yes?

 

[maniac116]

A suicidal man had had enough of his misery and chose to jump off his balcony.

He stepped out onto the balcony and gripped the railing, looking up to the sky for a sign. Something catches his attention in the corner of his eye. He lowers his sight and notices his armless neighbor, who lives in the building across the street, dancing and raving despite the lack of music.

Baffled by this, he yells to the neighbor, "Hey you!"
"What?!" asks the neighbor.

"How come you're dancing and raving and having a blast?
"What are you talking about!?"

"No for real, I'm about to take my life, all limbs intact and you're armless dancing around? How come?"

"Mate, I don't know what you're on but I've been trying to scratch my ass the last 20 minutes."

 

[maniac116]

 

[Griever]

My grief counselor died. But he was so good, I don't even care.