NSFW Gallows Humor (Please share dark jokes) 😂🤣😅

[maniac116]

I asked the doctor where I should put my pants during my prostate examination.

"Over there next to mine," was not the answer I was expecting....

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

 

[Halfhourdays]

 

[maniac116]

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You do need one if you want to go skydiving twice.

 

[maniac116]

"There's something about the clitoris. I can't quite put my finger on it."

 

[maniac116]

I'm in the middle of a long and messy divorce and I've decided that suicide is the only way out…

Now all I need to do is talk her into it…

 

[maniac116]

Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.



The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick...
She still isn't talking to me!

 

[maniac116]

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...
... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

 

[maniac116]

A suicide bomb instructor is training a class...

"Ok!! Everybody! Pay very close attention now! I can only demonstrate this once!!!"...

 

[maniac116]

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees a freight train.
The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Not dark but I think it's funny...

The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to upset you

 

[maniac116]

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods.

The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared."

The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."...

 

[maniac116]

Dentist: "This will hurt a little."

Patient: "OK."

Dentist: "I'm having an affair with your wife."

 

[maniac116]

An old woman decided she's had enough of life and wanted to commit suicide.
She decided she was going to shoot herself in the heart.
So she calls her doctor and asks him, "Doc, where is the heart located in the body?"
"Just below your left breast" the doctor explains to her.
"Thanks," she says, and shoot's herself in the knee.

 

[maniac116]

When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken...

"Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."

 

[Cauliflour]

 

[maniac116]

Two men are sitting at a bar when a news report comes on...
The TV grabs the men's attention as the reporter begins taking about a man standing on a bridge threatening to jump. The first man, having a taste for gallows humor, bets the second man $10 that he'll jump. The second man agrees and they continue drinking and watching the TV. About 10 minutes later the man jumps of the bridge, and the second man at the bar begins to take out his wallet.

"No, no," says the first man,"I saw the report earlier tonight, I knew he was going to jump the whole time."

"I saw it too," says the second man "I just didn't think he was stupid enough to do it again.

 

[maniac116]

 

[maniac116]

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic.
I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates

 

[maniac116]

Doctor: "I have good and bad news."

Patient: "Give me the good news first."

Doctor: "Your test results are back, and you have only two days to live."

Patient: "That's the good news? What's the bad news?"

Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you for two days."

 

[maniac116]

Two men and one woman were interviewed for the position of assassin.
The first man was handed a gun and instructed to enter a room and shoot the individual seated in a chair. He went in and then straight out. "That's my wife," he explained, "and I can't murder her."
"We're sorry," the interviewers continued, "but you don't have what it takes to be an assassin."

The same task was given to the second man. He remained in the room for a full minute before exiting, shaking his head. "That's my wife," he explained, "and I couldn't bring myself to shoot."
"We're sorry," the interviewers continued, "but you also don't have what it takes to be an assassin."

Finally, the woman entered. She remained in the room for five minutes, during which time there was a loud ruckus from within. She finally emerged, out of breath and looking a little roughed up. "You might have mentioned my spouse was in there," she panted. "And the stupid gun you gave me turned out to be full of blanks, so I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

 

[maniac116]

Suicide is not a joke, get help...
You can pay someone to shoot you!

 

[maniac116]

 

[maniac116]

A newlywed couple meets with the pastor of a church they're interested in joining...

After talking with him for a while, the pastor says, "I would love to have you two as members of my church, but there is something I must ask of you before you can join. You have to abstain from sex for two weeks." The couple agrees to these terms, and two weeks later they are meeting with the pastor again. "So how did it go?" he asks them. "Well, we almost made it the full two weeks," the husband answers.[/H2]
"But yesterday she bent down to pick up a package of frozen vegetables and I was overcome with desire. I just couldn't help myself." The pastor pauses for a moment, then says, "Well I'm sorry, but you are not welcome in my church."

"I understand," says the husband. "We're not welcome grocery store anymore either."

 

[maniac116]

• My grief counselor died, but he was so good at his job that I don't even care.

 

[maniac116]

The cannibal faces his death sentence and is asked, "Any wishes for your last meal?"
He shouted, "Five guys!"

 

[maniac116]

On his deathbed, an old jewish man says to his wife,
"Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no?"

"Sure I was, Moshe."

"When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no?"

"I was, Moshe."

"And now you're at my deathbed, aren't you?"
"I am, darling."
"I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.

 

[maniac116]

A man stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death, and killed the devil itself...

His wife rushes through the room and shouts, "MY GOD FRANK,
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES!!!!!"

 

[bankai]

When it's my time i want go surrounded by friends and family .

Spoiler

in a housefire

 

[maniac116]

• Engraved names of lovers on trees aren't cute or romantic. They're creepy reminders of how many people carry knives on dates.

• How are husbands like wine? They take forever to mature, and by the time some of them do, they taste disgusting
• 
  
• My wife left me a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it's working fine!