NSFW Gallows Humor (Please share dark jokes) 😂🤣😅

[maniac116]

 

[maniac116]

JOB RELATED

1. To err is human; to blame others shows management potential.
2. Why did the guy get fired from the calendar company? He took a day off.
3. You know what they say about a clean desk? It's a sign of cluttered drawers.
4. Why did you leave your last job? The company relocated and didn't tell me where.

 

[maniac116]

1) What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
2) What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

3) What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam.

 

[maniac116]

1) If, at first, you don't succeed…
Then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

---

2) They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group...
I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Gianmarco Soresi:

If drag queens were fucking your children, they would be covered in glitter....

You wanna stop pedophelia... Figure out a way to get glitter on priests.

I know not everyone likes Catholic Church jokes but like their victims they never get old.

Some more stand-up from Gianmarco .

 

[maniac116]

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."

The man whispers, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

Boy - "It's dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"

Boy - "$750."

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

 

[darksouls]

 

[maniac116]

"A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked, 'Is my time up?' God answered, 'No, you have another 40 years, 6 months and eight days to live.' Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live she thought she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation she was released from hospital. While crossing the street on her way home she was struck by a car and died immediately. Arriving in front of God she demanded, 'I thought you said I had over another 40 years to live'. Why didn't you pull me out from under the path of the car?'
...God replied, 'I didn't recognize you!'"

 

[WrathfulGloom32]

this was probably posted already but it's always funny

 

[maniac116]

1) I child-proofed my house. Somehow they still got in!

2) I know a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds, though, and only once.

 

[Shiitake]

lol unexpectedly wholesome, im used to forums being edgy

 

[OzymandiAsh]

Why did the little girl drop her ice cream?

Because she got hit by a bus.

 

[maniac116]

Millie accompanied her husband Maurice to the doctor's office. After he had given Maurice a full checkup, the doctor called Millie into his office alone. The doctor said, "Maurice is suffering from a serious disease brought on by extreme stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will die:

Each morning, wake him up gently with a big kiss, then fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all time and make sure he is always in a good mood. Cook him only his favorite meals and allow him to relax after eating. Don't burden him with any chores, and don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Don't argue with him, even if he criticizes you or makes fun of you. Try to relax him in the evening by giving him massages. Encourage him to watch all the sports he can on TV, even if it means missing your favorite programs. and most important, every evening after dinner do whatever it takes to satisfy his every whim."

"If you can do all of this, every day, for the next six months, I think Maurice will regain his health completely."

On the way home, Maurice asked Millie: "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die."

 

[maniac116]

1. My therapist said time heals all wounds. So why is my clock still broken?
2. I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort it.
3. I have a fear of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid it.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
5. A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched with tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."
6. The only idea that flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
7. "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
8. They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.

 

[The Blackangel]

*phone ringing*

"Ol' Pineys coffin emporium, you whack 'em we pack 'em."

 

[maniac116]

1) WHAT DO YOU CALL...
A bus full of politicians going off a cliff?
I don't know but it's a good start!!

2) My wife and kids are upset because I put ginger in their curry...
God they loved that cat.

 

[maniac116]

When Bob found out...

He was going to inherit a fortune after his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles' bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit twenty million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she became his stepmother.

 

[maniac116]

A SMALL PLANE...
...Is flying from Dallas to Denver, and about halfway there, the engine sputters and dies. The pilot runs out, grabs a parachute and opens the door and says "sorry, there are only three parachutes left", and he jumps out.

This leaves the 4 passengers startled. One is a 12 year old boy, a college professor, a priest, and a doctor.

The doctor says "Guys obviously I need to be saved. I heal people, I save peoples lives, I've cured many a diseases and I am a valuable resource to the human population." The Doctor grabs a parachute and jumps out the plane.

The professor says "Well I am a college professor, I've won the noble peace prize for my writings, I have spoken to the leaders of the free world, the President of the United States, he called me the smartest man alive. I will invent new things and solve many of the worlds problems. It is obvious I need to be saved." He grabs a parachute and jumps out, leaving the Priest and the young boy and only one parachute.

The priest looks sadly at the young boy… "Son, I've lived a wonderful life. I've seen the world over and been to many places. I've been blessed by so many good things. I've lived a long and fruitful life. I only have a few precious years left to live. You are young, the rest of your life in front of you… Sadly, I think you should take the last parachute."

The boy says "It okay sir. The smartest man alive just jumped out of the plane with my back pack on."

 

[SASU-KE]

How home alone should have ended....

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

How home alone should have ended....

My Christmas gift....

 

[Bowerbird]

Might buy myself this new necklace for Christmas since I'm so depressed

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

What's black and white and red all over?

A suicide note.

 

[OzymandiAsh]

 

[darksouls]

 

[darksouls]

 

[Defenestration]

France

 

[charlavail]

I have momentum on my browser and this was today's quote and my first thought was "well, i'm not excited about life so..."

 

[Defenestration]

Qu'est-ce qui est noir, blanc et rouge partout ?

Une lettre de suicide.

 

[narval]

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."

The man whispers, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

Boy - "It's dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"

Boy - "$750."

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

I've heard this, literally this before... Except it was in spanish

---

What's a reverse exorcism?
It's when the devil tells the priest to get out of the child