NSFW Gallows Humor (Please share dark jokes) 😂🤣😅

[darksouls]

 

[The Morningstar]

When asked why a woman killed her husband instead of just kicking him out, she responded with,

"He couldn't make me come, and I couldn't make him go!"

 

[darksouls]

 

[maniac116]

1. My wife is mad I ruined our anniversary, which is odd. I don't even know when it is.
2. Why is being married worse than going to work? At least at work, you might get a new boss.
3. My husband is driving me to drink. It's better than taking an Uber.
4. How are husband's like wine? They take years and years and years to mature.
5. My husband told me I'm a know-it-all. I told him I already knew that.

 

[maniac116]

1) I told my psychiatrist that I'd been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

2) I have many jokes about unemployed people. Sadly, none of them work.

 

[maniac116]

1) Option 1: Let's eat grandma.
Option 2: Let's eat, grandma.
There you have it. Proof that punctuation saves lives.


2) Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?
Dad: Don't be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.

 

[maniac116]

 

[mangoastronaut]

View attachment 152921

Is this AI?

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Due to woke culture....
The correct phrase is:

There's Gold In They/Them Thar Hills...

 

[maniac116]

• Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life...

 

[maniac116]

1) What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
2) A man is driving down the street when a cop pulls him over. The cop says, "Hey, your wife fell out of the car a mile ago!" The man says, "Thank God, I thought I was going deaf."
3) Researchers have discovered something that can do the work of five men: A woman.
4) A woman on her deathbed asks her husband to give her one last wish. She says, "When I'm gone, I want you to marry Lisa." The husband says, "I thought you hated Lisa?" The wife says, "I do!"

 

[maniac116]

1) What do you get a person with dementia for their birthday?
A jigsaw puzzle...
They'll be occupied for months.

---

2) How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish family?
None.

---

3) Why did Hitler shoot himself?
Because he received the gas bill.

 

[maniac116]

1) Three pregnant women visited a hospital to check the gender of their babies. While chatting in the waiting room, one lady said she's sure hers is a boy because she was on the bottom during sex...
The second one went ahead to say that hers will be a girl because she was on top...
The third one, a blonde remarked ''can't wait to see my puppies!'' ...

2) Two sperm swimming side by side were having a conversation...
One sperm asked the other ''how far till we reach the fallopian tubes?'...
' The other replied, ''No sure but we just passed the esophagus.''

3) What would you call a hooker with her hand up her skirt?... Self-employed!

 

[maniac116]

1)I asked the doctor where I should put my pants during my prostate examination...
..."Over there next to mine," was not the answer I was expecting.

2) I asked a New Zealander friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had...
He started counting but he eventually fell asleep.

3) There are three stages of sex after marriage:

1. Tri-weekly.
2. Try weekly.
3. Try weakly.

 

[maniac116]

A couple arrived at the sexual health clinic.

There was a sign on the door that said:
"For family planning and contraceptives, please use the rear entrance".

 

[X-sanguinate86]

Though at first they seem the same, there's a subtle difference between a hairdresser on fire and a dumpster on fire. The dumpster fire will be put out but the hairdresser on fire will just keep putting out.

(Thank god this is anonymous lol.)

 

[maniac116]

I was at the park the other day when a mother sat down beside me...
After a while, she leaned over and asked, "Which one is yours?"
I looked at her and said, "I haven't decided yet."

 

[maniac116]

MY LIFE !!!!!!!!

 

[maniac116]

There is a train signal-man up in the Highlands. He really wants to get a promotion so he sends a letter to British rail and they send up an assessor.

He asks him what he would do if two trains were barrelling down a track at each other.

The signalman says he would out one train on a passing loop.

"but what if the points are jammed?"

"I would throw the emergency switch"

"but what if the switch is on fire?"

"I would run out and use the lever on the line to switch the train into the passing loop"

"but what if it was struck by lightning?"

"then I'd get my uncle Alistair"

"why?"

"he's never seen a train crash before"

 

[maniac116]