functioning suicidal life

[valoristic]

I'm in this cycle of working, coming home, cleaning, eating, sleeping. Over and over. And every day, I think more and more about CTB. I've always had SI, it's been way worse than it is now, but it's been pretty bad lately. Which is weird cause I should be happy, I have a full time job, I finally live on my own, I have my kiddos (my cats) and a really good boyfriend. That's like, ideal? Everything I've ever wanted? And still I think about it everyday. Recently though, it's been worse. More jokes, more thinking, even went as far as writing my first note, to my dad. I try to drown it out with alcohol, drown it out with sex, drown it out with friends. Everything I try, it's still there in the back of my head, slowly chipping at my sanity. Feeling unstable and scared I'm going to ruin everything I finally got. Everything I wished for.
I want to go so bad. Nobody knows that though. Everyone sees happy go lucky me, stupid depressed jokes me, alcoholic me, fun and life of the party me, nobody sees the person who wants to leave desperately. I'm functioning, barely, but I'm there. I live with the thoughts. And it's getting unbearable.

 

[Shadows From Hell]

I'm the same, work, sleep, eat, repeat. I just can't find my place on this earth. Nobody sees the deep thoughts that race through my mind day in and day out. My time is coming, was supposed to be earlier this year, but shit happened and kept postponing my exit.

Best of luck to you.

 

[valoristic]

I'm the same, work, sleep, eat, repeat. I just can't find my place on this earth. Nobody sees the deep thoughts that race through my mind day in and day out. My time is coming, was supposed to be earlier this year, but shit happened and kept postponing my exit.

Best of luck to you.

I'm glad to know someone feels similar to me. That I'm not alone. I hope you feel a little better but I understand that hopelessness that follows cycles. At least we can be alone together :).
best of luck to you as well

 

[ElTopo]

I'm in this cycle of working, coming home, cleaning, eating, sleeping. Over and over. And every day, I think more and more about CTB. I've always had SI, it's been way worse than it is now, but it's been pretty bad lately. Which is weird cause I should be happy, I have a full time job, I finally live on my own, I have my kiddos (my cats) and a really good boyfriend. That's like, ideal? Everything I've ever wanted? And still I think about it everyday. Recently though, it's been worse. More jokes, more thinking, even went as far as writing my first note, to my dad. I try to drown it out with alcohol, drown it out with sex, drown it out with friends. Everything I try, it's still there in the back of my head, slowly chipping at my sanity. Feeling unstable and scared I'm going to ruin everything I finally got. Everything I wished for.
I want to go so bad. Nobody knows that though. Everyone sees happy go lucky me, stupid depressed jokes me, alcoholic me, fun and life of the party me, nobody sees the person who wants to leave desperately. I'm functioning, barely, but I'm there. I live with the thoughts. And it's getting unbearable.

I feel you. I have a job, a functioning life, an apartment, live on my own, go to the gym etc...
It's just weird living this functional life and stil lthinking about ending it everyday. It's not like there's nothing wrong, many things have gone wrong in my life and have made me suicidal, and I feel like I'm irremediably scarred.
If you still have it in you, you should try recovery.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I have a less balanced life but, I'm functioning in as much as I'm working. Freelance though so, in some ways there are less checks to ensure I'm not letting it all fall apart. I live and work alone. It's hard though right? Keeping on pushing through it with something so heavy on your shoulders.

My weird comfort is the idea that it won't be forever. (I want to wait for my Dad to go first.) The possibility of death is ironically what helps me to stay alive!

Has it been like this for a long time for you? May I ask? Can you pinpoint when and why things changed?