Venting Fuck

[willitpass]

I've been getting blow after blow from my treatment team within this last week. From being told I'm at risk of getting suddenly kicked out by my insurance, to a family session where my dad and therapist spent the entire time saying they would willingly get a conservatorship and lock me up the rest of my life, to being told I'm being forced to take meds I've been against from the get go, yesterday I was informed I've lost my extra privileges I'd worked to get due to lack of progress, and then to top it all off I was told in session today that a bunch of my lighthearted interactions with staff where no one told me I was doing anything wrong have been being charted as "inappropriate" behavior. That was the last straw. I've started the process of attempting to sign myself out again. This very well may end in me getting into a conservatorship under my father. All I'm hoping is that I have the chance to fly back to my home state unattended. So long as that happens I will be able to CTB. If it doesn't well then I'm absolutely fucked beyond measure. If I can't get a moment alone then I know I will be locked up for the rest of my life to suffer. I hope they drug me out of my mind so I can't even think clearly. Because if that is the future I have then I'm going to lose the last tiny straw of sanity I have. I need to fucking die.

 

[willitpass]

I plan on revoking my dad's release of information I signed when I got admitted. Currently he has full access to any information he wants and they've been talking with him without me like I'm a child the last couple of weeks. I know right now they will be calling him about my attempt to discharge and he'll be working on getting a conservatorship. I hope they haven't already done that.

I feel so fucking hurt and hopeless. The last three months have been a nightmare. I'm so tired.

Through our trips out into the community I've scouted out a gas station right across the street from a large, empty parking lot. I'll get an Uber to there.

 

[willitpass]

I decided once again to not discharge. The doctor is going to look into getting me ketamine appointments while I'm here. Other than that I have continued to lower my scores on my check in sheets and will stop endorsing active suicidal ideation.

 

[willitpass]

I've been doing well at pretending. My check in sheet scores have been consistently lower. I've stopped directly expressing active suicidal thoughts. I've been doing homework again even when I don't feel it'll help. I've managed to get my temper under control to stop arguing with my treatment team. I think I will soon be considered well enough to go home.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Hearing this, it's no real wonder people do just fake being better in order to be released. In which case- just how realistic are their figures in terms of people they've 'helped'?

It just seems so petty really. Losing privelages because you haven't 'improved'. Imagine if they treated other forms of healthcare like that. Hmm- seems like you're still running a temperature so- you're not even trying to get better. So- no more privelages for you.

What are you supposed to demonstrate anyway to show you have 'improved'? I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

What are you supposed to demonstrate anyway to show you have 'improved'? I'm so sorry you're going through this.

There isn't much that's more absurd than this kind of mental health treatment.

Ideally they primarily go by what the patients report but they have so much discretion when it comes to deciding what the patient's mental state is and therefore what the patient needs. On their behalf and all in their better interest, right? Right?

As if.

They've really forced her into a horrible catch-22. They pile threat after threat after penalty after penalty on her because she hasn't said she is feeling better. So now they can discredit anything positive she says as a manufactured attempt to avoid these heaps of punitive measures.

We will do all these unpleasant things but we won't believe anything positive you say because we know you want to avoid all these unpleasant things we are constantly threatening you with because you don't report anything positive.

So therapeutic.

It's bullshit.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I hope that you deleting your most recent thread and not posting despite logging in every now and then is a good sign.

 

[willitpass]

I hope that you deleting your most recent thread and not posting despite logging in every now and then is a good sign.

I deleted it because I found out during the appointment that that doctor knows about this site when I mentioned my SN attempt. I decided to be safe and delete it since it was rather identifying if they were to log on to here for some reason, they would have been able to figure out it was me. Still no word on any follow up since the first appointment. Still feeling extremely stunted in my progress and unsure of what the next steps will be. For awhile it seemed like there was a discharge time frame in mind, but now I'm not so sure. At this point if I do discharge I won't be CTB until summer when my family moves away from the city I live in because they've made it clear that if I CTB when they're still nearby the guilt would eat them alive. I can wait until summer to spare them that guilt.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I deleted it because I found out during the appointment that that doctor knows about this site when I mentioned my SN attempt. I decided to be safe and delete it since it was rather identifying if they were to log on to here for some reason, they would have been able to figure out it was me. Still no word on any follow up since the first appointment. Still feeling extremely stunted in my progress and unsure of what the next steps will be. For awhile it seemed like there was a discharge time frame in mind, but now I'm not so sure. At this point if I do discharge I won't be CTB until summer when my family moves away from the city I live in because they've made it clear that if I CTB when they're still nearby the guilt would eat them alive. I can wait until summer to spare them that guilt.

Damn, I guess I have pretty good intuition because when you deleted your thread my hunch was that there was some sort of privacy issue. I figured that either someone irl found your account or you wanted to stop irl people from finding you on here. I just didn't want to ask outright whether that was the case.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I deleted it because I found out during the appointment that that doctor knows about this site when I mentioned my SN attempt.

Did they express any particular thoughts about the site?

 

[willitpass]

Did they express any particular thoughts about the site?

The general ones that people tend to hold. That people on this site are dangerous and get a kick out of watching people suffer and are actively wanting to help people die out of malice. I will say I can't argue with the point that this site can be detrimental to mental health, as it can be if used the wrong way, but isn't any social media just as bad?

 

[LaVieEnRose]

The general ones that people tend to hold. That people on this site are dangerous and get a kick out of watching people suffer and are actively wanting to help people die out of malice. I will say I can't argue with the point that this site can be detrimental to mental health, as it can be if used the wrong way, but isn't any social media just as bad?

It's people who work in mental facilities who often get kicks out of people's suffering. Unfortunate that they aren't capable of thinking more critically about this site especially when their profession has contributed to leading a lot of us here.

 

[needthebus]

The general ones that people tend to hold. That people on this site are dangerous and get a kick out of watching people suffer and are actively wanting to help people die out of malice. I will say I can't argue with the point that this site can be detrimental to mental health, as it can be if used the wrong way, but isn't any social media just as bad?

How did they know you are on this site?

Did they open a computer with the site bookmarked, logged in, without a password? Did you browse while your phone was open? Did you use the site with a hospital computer? I just don't get why they would know.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

How did they know you are on this site?

Did they open a computer with the site bookmarked, logged in, without a password? Did you browse while your phone was open? Did you use the site with a hospital computer? I just don't get why they would know.

They don't know OP is an active user of the site. OP had learned that her doctor is simply aware this site exists. She felt some stuff she posted could be tied to her real-life identity if her doctor or other staff wanted to poke around by chance. That could cause her problems of course so she deleted it as a precaution.

 

[willitpass]

How did they know you are on this site?

Did they open a computer with the site bookmarked, logged in, without a password? Did you browse while your phone was open? Did you use the site with a hospital computer? I just don't get why they would know.

I said I had attempted with SN before, which is almost exclusively associated with being on this site. SN as a method is not well known without SS, so they gathered that I had been on here with that information. I've never had a doctor know that before, so it's not typically information I withhold.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

thinking about you. still hoping for your best outcome, no matter what that ends up being. you know my feelings on the ket, it's worth a shot. i'm so sorry they're treating you like that. I relate intimately and it's gross and dehumanizing.

 

[SilentSadness]

That really is despicable, it's a little surreal to see such blatant torture & abuse legal and recommended in this society. Hopefully the people responsible for this are held accountable, I hope you can escape soon.