Venting fuck recovery. i’m so tired

[mob]

I tried my absolute hardest to get better. I even felt better. But now reality is just crushing me again.
After my CTB attempt back in September last year, I decided that maybe I really wanted to live. I accepted all help I could get, started taking my meds consistently, got a bunch of new diagnoses. Been seeing my psychiatrist, trying to push the negativity away and surround myself with positivity.

It's no fucking use. How many times have I told myself it'd get better, how many times have I refused to lose hope. I've been lying to myself this whole time. Even when I felt "happy", I still wanted to kill myself. I had hoped these feelings would fade eventually. Of course they didn't, they never do. They're a part of me after all.

I'm so tired. Every time I start to feel a tiny bit better, life reminds me over and over again why my life is fucked and always will be. I'm weak. I can't handle most shit that comes my way. I don't think that'll ever change.

When I sought help from professionals, even went to the mental hospital to get myself admitted because I was genuinely a danger to myself I was turned away. The reasoning was that they don't take in patients with BPD because that wouldn't be of any help. Thanks, I guess.

Three years ago I chose the 16th of December 2026 as my date. Well, it's been on my mind constantly for those three years. I'll really do it. There's no purpose for me in this life.

 

[kufajoy]

16dec was my ctb date too but failed ;)
Idk how people recover. I feel like once it starts it never going to get better. Hope you find peace whatever you decide

 

[mob]

16dec was my ctb date too but failed ;)
Idk how people recover. I feel like once it starts it never going to get better. Hope you find peace whatever you decide

I agree. It's almost impossible for me to grasp how people actually manage to recover. But I guess that just makes us the unlucky ones.
Funny that we shared the same date. I know how it feels to fail an attempt, hope you're okay and wish you the best with whatever decision you make for yourself

 

[iveseenfootage]

It feels like waking up from a dream, you can never really get back to it. I don't think it's possible for us to get better. We can maybe imitate it, but it won't be the same.

 

[cursedlife]

I regret failing my ctb attempt I wish I succeeded , my life isn't worth living at all , I don't provide anything to humanity all I do is scroll on social media ,I don't think I could recover I'm doomed , the only solution to the problem I'm in is death .

 

[itsgone2]

I feel like it's over. Recovery is out of reach, and pointless. The world is changing, for the worse. Bad times ahead.

 

[struggles_inc]

Idk if you still need this comment, but I'll post it just in case you do.

I have recovered. I'm better for more than a year now, and after a failed attempt, too. For me it wasn't about staying positive and I think it might have caused the relapse actually. Positivity is toxic when you're smart enough to understand that the world is on fire. Reality and a stable understanding of myself helped. World is shit, I may be a bad person, something like that.

You only talked about internal feelings, but external things also bled into my mental health a lot. I wonder if the same thing applies to you. I cut out a lot of people and set a lot of hard boundaries, and this is what eventually made it better for me.