Frustrated

[tiredxillenial]

Therapist moved my last biomedical treatment option out of my reach until I decline even further. It's annoying because much of my distress is at seeing myself decline and knowing that I am. I told her that I wanted to access my next biomedical treatment option now so that I don't conitue to decline or end up hospitalized. By moving this last treatment option out of my reach, she is forcing me to now choose between detoriating even further, hospitalization, or killing myself to avoid detoriating even further, unless I can figure out something entirely different. They are supposed to be helping professionals but she is increasing my suffering and may be causing me to ctb in order to preserve my dignity without trying final treatment options. After our last session I have made progress towards replacing the gun and ammo she had me turn in to her. I have felt a desire to push her away and keep her out of the loop so that she can't try to stop me. I also want to tell her what she did and how it's impacting me. I don't think I can do that though without her talking about hospitalization and part of the problem is that it really might be preferable to ctb than to be hospitalized. My only real option or than death is to try to treat myself through psychedlics. That's the only treatment option I have left to try other than ECT or surgery for depression, and it happen to be the only thing I can access. I am suspending my judgement as to their effectiveness because they are the only thing I can access (I would not chose them based on my perception of their effectiveness though). I ordered one of the only legal psychedics in the states. I would prefer acid or mushrooms but don't really have a reliable contact for that.

 

[Life_and_Death]

you need a new therapist. it sounds like things were going good for you until this point. you seemed to have been making progress she shouldnt have done this to set you back

 

[Ghost2211]

I second you need a new therapist. She doesn't sound like she is receptive to your needs and desires, so wants the point.. there are better people out there.

 

[tiredxillenial]

Thanks all, it's frustrating to think of starting over again.... I'm gonna try to ignore it all for now to get work done and because my sister's birthday is tomorrow so I should wait till mid October to ctb so she doesn't have death associated with her birthday. I think ignoring my mental health really is the healthiest thing I can do to get through to mid October.