☆AwaitingEntropy☆
Snuffing the Light Out
- Nov 6, 2021
- 208
Pure venting ahead, just a heads up.
I'm so frustrated with my own indecisiveness and survival instinct. I've had suicidal ideation for over a decade, but haven't once acted on those thoughts in any meaningful way aside from research.
Emotionally, I'm disconnected from everything, I'm not sad or numb, really, but every social interaction feels like I'm trying to earn a master's degree in puppetry.
I don't have dreams for the future, I'm no longer that interested in precarious things like friendship, my job is lackluster and my body is a diabetic pile of hot garbage. The only thing that consistently brings me joy is thinking about my story ideas - but do I have the focus, energy, or drive to write them down in any coherent way? Nah.
I feel as though I'll be constantly stuck in limbo, daydreaming about my death but too scared to do anything. And then, whenever something that makes me truly recognize my mortality comes up - like minor health issues, for example - I get anxious. And all these reasons why I can't go quite yet run through my head, and the cycle repeats.
It feels as though I'll never get to a place where I'm satisfied with one descision or the other. I'll never feel so comfortable with death that I just catch the bus one day, but I'll never be comfortable with living, either. It's a no win situation and I'm tired of being trapped.
I'm so frustrated with my own indecisiveness and survival instinct. I've had suicidal ideation for over a decade, but haven't once acted on those thoughts in any meaningful way aside from research.
Emotionally, I'm disconnected from everything, I'm not sad or numb, really, but every social interaction feels like I'm trying to earn a master's degree in puppetry.
I don't have dreams for the future, I'm no longer that interested in precarious things like friendship, my job is lackluster and my body is a diabetic pile of hot garbage. The only thing that consistently brings me joy is thinking about my story ideas - but do I have the focus, energy, or drive to write them down in any coherent way? Nah.
I feel as though I'll be constantly stuck in limbo, daydreaming about my death but too scared to do anything. And then, whenever something that makes me truly recognize my mortality comes up - like minor health issues, for example - I get anxious. And all these reasons why I can't go quite yet run through my head, and the cycle repeats.
It feels as though I'll never get to a place where I'm satisfied with one descision or the other. I'll never feel so comfortable with death that I just catch the bus one day, but I'll never be comfortable with living, either. It's a no win situation and I'm tired of being trapped.
