Venting Frustrated about being financially dependent

[Iamamistake]

I'm so empty that i don't know what to feel and need to rant off.
I'm nineteen and frustrated about being financially dependent on my parents, who have been physically and emotionally abusive to me. For seventeen years, I used to convince myself that I'll only have to bear living with them until I turn eighteen and then I will be at hostel to get rid of suicidal ideation. But lockdown started when I was supposed to go and college I took admission in hasn't opened yet (doesn't seem like will open for several months).
I ordered SN yesterday on cash on delivery, and that was the only thing making me happy and excited. I used my personal phone number and e-mail ID my parents don't know about, despite all precautions I tried taking they somehow figured it out and cancelled my SN order.
They aren't exactly respectable of my privacy and my guess is that's how they found out, I'm unable to think of any other way.
I thought of ordering SN from another place but it doesn't have COD option and i can't pay in any other way.
Every moment I live is a moment I suffer and now I don't even have option of making a choice.
I just needed to say this somewhere Ig.

 

[Justsogone]

This thing is happening to me as well. I feel pretty fucked up.
I hope you feel better you don't deserve that

 

[Insomniac]

parents are the worst.

unfortunately it's impossible to be financially independent. dependence on a boss who will end up emotionally and verbally abusing you is also financial dependence.

most of us are unemployed because we refuse to do certain jobs that we consider to be too low (such as toilet cleaner for example, or waiter).

I'm in the same boat as you and have decided to leave my parents no matter what, even if I have to be a toilet cleaner to survive on my own.

 

[Crazy4u]

you are still 19. It is perfectly fine to stay with your parents for a while. Life became expensive and many people do it.

I understand you want to leave. Try to save as much money so you can leave.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this, I know it is hard to carry on when everything seems hopeless. It is your life, your decision and you have the right to exit at a time of your own choosing and nobody else should have any say in it. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.