Friend died, now friendless, regrets

[SecretDissociation]

I made a post in February, forgot, didn't reply to any replies, went on about my miserable life, was looking forward to going to a concert with my friend. the friend i finally made. the friend i worked hard to make.

and guess what? she died. she died when just the day before we were texting about how she was ill again and I was like youre dying and she was like fr and I urged her to get an appointment but the damn stupid GP said next wednesday and she died the next day instead. i know im not her family. i know im not her next of kin. but damn it she was my friend and even though i still wanted to die and still want to die and still self harmed she was there because she was my damn fucking friend and I wanted to celebrate her birthday and then die.

and here i am alone again. again. back to level -1. my life is eternally miserable. the friendship group i tried so hard to make is dead. the groupchat is empty. plans cancelled. i would try so hard to make plans fit into my schedule but now all these 'friends' do is cancel. they cancel and my one proper friend is six feet under and dead. I have no reason left to live. I have assignments I can't do. I have no motivation. all these horrible thoughts flood my brain. my eyes ache, my head hurts. i haven't slept properly in weeks. slumber is filled with dreams of the dead, or nightmare's of the dead. and when I am awake she sits on the fucking red chair in my student accommodation because thats where she used to sit.

I have tried everything to get better and I really can't do this anymore. I have been trying medications, listening to the 100th healthcare worker say 'the medication won't work straight away, wait for six weeks and keep taking it' and i take it and take it and i take it for three months then six months and i get sick of it not working. i get sick of hearing it again when given new medication 'it should take 6 weeks to start working' and then it turns into 3 months and then 6 months and then it turned into a year. and i hear the same thing again 'you need to wait for it to work' Motherfucker ITS NOT GOING TO FUCKING WORK. SSRI this SNRI this. are you blind to patterns

Do DBT this do this BA thing, why don't you try playing with soap, take a cold shower, put ice on your fucking forehead i have tried all of these before I met you. What makes you think someone depressed from the age of 8 wouldn't have tried these things. I've tried exercise and dieting and I developed an eating disorder. I tried sensory coping mechanisms and I ended up self-harming. I tried i tried everything. maybe you need to make friends and I did.


I made friends. i made a group of friends. and one of them went and died and two of them couldn't give two fucks if I died. im so tired of reaching out first. hey. wanna hang? sorry no I can't. fucking great tell me when you can WHY DO I HAVE TO CHASE YOU TO HANG OUT, I'll invite you to midnight bagels, i'll arrange going to nandos, i'll remind you to reply on the groupchat, i'll check in if you still want to hangout tomorrow I'll do this, i'll do that, I'll remind you to book tickets to ComicCon oh wait fuck that you've cancelled because of examse oh great yeah when i've gone out with you despite having assignments due. yeah. yeah no its okay, i'll fit you into my schedule and you'll fuckshit forget about me.

I want my dead friend back. I want her back. i want the only friend that respected my chosen name and my pronouns. I want the friend that actually wanted to hangout with me. I want my fucking dead friend back that told me its okay and that i cant control stuff. i want my fucking friend back. i want to mourn with the friendship group we shared. i want to visit her grave again with them, but they don't want to because its too much for them and here I am.


here I am alone. writing this fucking essay. ready to take a traina nd hike to Beachy Head because fuck living. fuck this world. and fuck things getting better. because it never has gotten better for me. and it never will. and im tired. im tired. im tired. im so fucking tired.

 

[iwishtodie8]

I made a post in February, forgot, didn't reply to any replies, went on about my miserable life, was looking forward to going to a concert with my friend. the friend i finally made. the friend i worked hard to make.

and guess what? she died. she died when just the day before we were texting about how she was ill again and I was like youre dying and she was like fr and I urged her to get an appointment but the damn stupid GP said next wednesday and she died the next day instead. i know im not her family. i know im not her next of kin. but damn it she was my friend and even though i still wanted to die and still want to die and still self harmed she was there because she was my damn fucking friend and I wanted to celebrate her birthday and then die.

and here i am alone again. again. back to level -1. my life is eternally miserable. the friendship group i tried so hard to make is dead. the groupchat is empty. plans cancelled. i would try so hard to make plans fit into my schedule but now all these 'friends' do is cancel. they cancel and my one proper friend is six feet under and dead. I have no reason left to live. I have assignments I can't do. I have no motivation. all these horrible thoughts flood my brain. my eyes ache, my head hurts. i haven't slept properly in weeks. slumber is filled with dreams of the dead, or nightmare's of the dead. and when I am awake she sits on the fucking red chair in my student accommodation because thats where she used to sit.

I have tried everything to get better and I really can't do this anymore. I have been trying medications, listening to the 100th healthcare worker say 'the medication won't work straight away, wait for six weeks and keep taking it' and i take it and take it and i take it for three months then six months and i get sick of it not working. i get sick of hearing it again when given new medication 'it should take 6 weeks to start working' and then it turns into 3 months and then 6 months and then it turned into a year. and i hear the same thing again 'you need to wait for it to work' Motherfucker ITS NOT GOING TO FUCKING WORK. SSRI this SNRI this. are you blind to patterns

Do DBT this do this BA thing, why don't you try playing with soap, take a cold shower, put ice on your fucking forehead i have tried all of these before I met you. What makes you think someone depressed from the age of 8 wouldn't have tried these things. I've tried exercise and dieting and I developed an eating disorder. I tried sensory coping mechanisms and I ended up self-harming. I tried i tried everything. maybe you need to make friends and I did.


I made friends. i made a group of friends. and one of them went and died and two of them couldn't give two fucks if I died. im so tired of reaching out first. hey. wanna hang? sorry no I can't. fucking great tell me when you can WHY DO I HAVE TO CHASE YOU TO HANG OUT, I'll invite you to midnight bagels, i'll arrange going to nandos, i'll remind you to reply on the groupchat, i'll check in if you still want to hangout tomorrow I'll do this, i'll do that, I'll remind you to book tickets to ComicCon oh wait fuck that you've cancelled because of examse oh great yeah when i've gone out with you despite having assignments due. yeah. yeah no its okay, i'll fit you into my schedule and you'll fuckshit forget about me.

I want my dead friend back. I want her back. i want the only friend that respected my chosen name and my pronouns. I want the friend that actually wanted to hangout with me. I want my fucking dead friend back that told me its okay and that i cant control stuff. i want my fucking friend back. i want to mourn with the friendship group we shared. i want to visit her grave again with them, but they don't want to because its too much for them and here I am.


here I am alone. writing this fucking essay. ready to take a traina nd hike to Beachy Head because fuck living. fuck this world. and fuck things getting better. because it never has gotten better for me. and it never will. and im tired. im tired. im tired. im so fucking tired.

Hope you feel better and in peace

 

[deadstillwalking]

I remember making excuses when my friends asked me to hang out with them because I wanted to stay at home, in my room. People I knew keep changing ever since the 6th grade. I hit puberty very late, I felt alienated, people, my friends included, kept becoming more distant each day. My room was a place that never changed, no matter how many years passed, everything remained where things were supposed to be, my safe zone. That was a huge mistake. It took one year. One single year for my closest group of friends to change so much I couldn't recognize them. They slowly stopped talking to me - or the other way around - except for one of them, who despite knowing a huge amount of people made sure to keep me in contact. I understood that I need to change. I can't stay the same, my identity can't be stable is what I came to conclusion with. No matter what happens, family or friends, I will NEVER choose anything over them again. I can't miss out on anything again. If I'm all alone again, I will be stuck in the same stupid room with the same stupid boring me.

So I try to organize plans with my friend group that I made in high school. But they are just too passive, or keep choosing the same excact activities despite it getting lame. I don't know what to think of it, because in the four years of me knowing them from the school they haven't changed a bit. I don't know if they are okay with it, not my business. But I remember persuading one of my high school friends into coming with us to a local park, just to relax and talk. We barely did anything, yet he said it was the most fun he had that week.

I strongly believe that your friends have no idea what they are missing out on. I'm absolutely glad that you kept managing those plans despite them being futile! Please don't give up. Just as my friend never gave up on me. Even though I declined so many times he kept asking and including me in the next events. If he had let go of me just as the rest of my friend group had, I would have probably rotted in my house by now. I'm not his best friend, he befriended more people than I can count, but he's the person I admire and look up to the most. I don't know what I would do if I lost him, but I would definitely feel the biggest despair of my life. That's why I know that your situation is beyond terrible. I don't believe in any kind of god, but you'll be included in my prayers just in case there's one.

 

[SecretDissociation]

I remember making excuses when my friends asked me to hang out with them because I wanted to stay at home, in my room. People I knew keep changing ever since the 6th grade. I hit puberty very late, I felt alienated, people, my friends included, kept becoming more distant each day. My room was a place that never changed, no matter how many years passed, everything remained where things were supposed to be, my safe zone. That was a huge mistake. It took one year. One single year for my closest group of friends to change so much I couldn't recognize them. They slowly stopped talking to me - or the other way around - except for one of them, who despite knowing a huge amount of people made sure to keep me in contact. I understood that I need to change. I can't stay the same, my identity can't be stable is what I came to conclusion with. No matter what happens, family or friends, I will NEVER choose anything over them again. I can't miss out on anything again. If I'm all alone again, I will be stuck in the same stupid room with the same stupid boring me.

So I try to organize plans with my friend group that I made in high school. But they are just too passive, or keep choosing the same excact activities despite it getting lame. I don't know what to think of it, because in the four years of me knowing them from the school they haven't changed a bit. I don't know if they are okay with it, not my business. But I remember persuading one of my high school friends into coming with us to a local park, just to relax and talk. We barely did anything, yet he said it was the most fun he had that week.

I strongly believe that your friends have no idea what they are missing out on. I'm absolutely glad that you kept managing those plans despite them being futile! Please don't give up. Just as my friend never gave up on me. Even though I declined so many times he kept asking and including me in the next events. If he had let go of me just as the rest of my friend group had, I would have probably rotted in my house by now. I'm not his best friend, he befriended more people than I can count, but he's the person I admire and look up to the most. I don't know what I would do if I lost him, but I would definitely feel the biggest despair of my life. That's why I know that your situation is beyond terrible. I don't believe in any kind of god, but you'll be included in my prayers just in case there's one.

I think sometimes I change for people too much. Although, that might be the Autistic masking - who knows.

I really appreciate your encouraging words. I will try my best to reach out again. I'll extend my time here on earth by a bit. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers. I'll keep this moment of encouragement in my heart. Kudos to friendship and despair, and to hangouts worth going to.