forced to detransition. forced to ctb.

[Kokonoe]

it's gotten progressively harder and harder to do my shots, now to the point i can't even do them anymore. i sit there, and i shake uncontrollably, and my hand refuses to move no matter what i try and do about it. and this continues until i start crying and give up. it's completely impossible for me now. i feel the same level of fear and anxiety even when considering having someone else do it, which makes it feel even more impossible. and i can't even have someone else do it for me consistently anymore. my sister stopped being willing to do it months ago. i don't have anybody else. and i don't think it's a good idea to have my literal life saving medication be dependent on someone else being willing to help me with it. i would rather give up and stop having to go through this every single week. i just can't do it anymore. but i can't live as a man either. i don't want to sit and watch testosterone destroy my body anymore than it already has. i feel forced to die.

 

[CatGoMeyow]

im really sorry i just wanted to post this that im sorry

 

[KatalinaKrimson]

Are pills or patches not a possibility for you?

 

[Kokonoe]

Are pills or patches not a possibility for you?

no. i've been on hrt for ~4 years, i think a little more than that at this point. long enough to where i've lost exact count. first 2 years was on injections. they worked perfectly fine but i couldn't do them myself, had to have my mom do them for me every time. eventually that wasn't feasible anymore and i couldn't do them myself so i started pills. that was horrible. non existent e levels, t went back through the roof, like 400+. all for a full year before i eventually gave up and went back to injections. so i already basically detransitioned for a full year. i don't want to do that again. that was a nightmare. and after switching back to injections i still couldn't do it. my sister has done it for me ever since but now she can't do it for me anymore and it's been that way for a couple months and at this point i feel completely hopeless. i just can't do it. and it's not worth the stress every week anymore. it's not like hrt ever changed much for me. i still hate my body, and it's barely changed over 4 years, anyways. it won't change my face. i'm still losing my hair. and i was always bound to kill myself regardless. so why bother with it anymore. it's useless. i'd rather just go back to isolation and living in my head until i eventually kill myself. i'm probably going to try to ctb tomorrow to be honest. i just want it to be over asap.

 

[winter.]

no. i've been on hrt for ~4 years, i think a little more than that at this point. long enough to where i've lost exact count. first 2 years was on injections. they worked perfectly fine but i couldn't do them myself, had to have my mom do them for me every time. eventually that wasn't feasible anymore and i couldn't do them myself so i started pills. that was horrible. non existent e levels, t went back through the roof, like 400+. all for a full year before i eventually gave up and went back to injections. so i already basically detransitioned for a full year. i don't want to do that again. that was a nightmare. and after switching back to injections i still couldn't do it. my sister has done it for me ever since but now she can't do it for me anymore and it's been that way for a couple months and at this point i feel completely hopeless. i just can't do it. and it's not worth the stress every week anymore. it's not like hrt ever changed much for me. i still hate my body, and it's barely changed over 4 years, anyways. it won't change my face. i'm still losing my hair. and i was always bound to kill myself regardless. so why bother with it anymore. it's useless. i'd rather just go back to isolation and living in my head until i eventually kill myself. i'm probably going to try to ctb tomorrow to be honest. i just want it to be over asap.

Im sorry to hear, that hits hard have you considered gels? apparently they have a better absortion rate.

 

[Kokonoe]

Im sorry to hear, that hits hard have you considered gels? apparently they have a better absortion rate.

i haven't, but to be honest i just want to give up entirely. i don't want to try anything else just to still be so stressed and upset about all of it. it's not worth it. plus, i don't have high hopes for any other options. the reality of it sorta is that either you use injections or you don't really transition. and i'm too weak to transition.

 

[winter.]

i haven't, but to be honest i just want to give up entirely. i don't want to try anything else just to still be so stressed and upset about all of it. it's not worth it. plus, i don't have high hopes for any other options. the reality of it sorta is that either you use injections or you don't really transition. and i'm too weak to transition.

Im unsure about thatttt, theres lots of countries which dont / cant use injectables.

 

[Passenger4224]

It always breaks my heart to read stories like this. It's so fucked up how some of us are born the wrong gender. Fuck this shit. I'm sorry for what you're dealing with.

 

[KatalinaKrimson]

Somebody might have already asked this, but have you considered something like Xanax? I'm sure you've talked to a psychiatrist about the anxiety you have surrounding needle injections, right?

Im unsure about thatttt, theres lots of countries which dont / cant use injectables.

Yeah, it's just a case of your mileage may vary. My first ~3 years were on pills and my transition went beautifully. (I actually think I may have been more passy back then for reasons unrelated to pills vs injections).

I've also been on prog my whole transition which could have played a factor.

I did eventually go to injections, about 1.5 years ago, which is the "best" of the three main options. But it has been a hassle to find people to help me with the injection.

But yeah, the idea that "ahhh, if you're not getting injections you'll never get a REAL transition!! You're being hondosed!!!" Is all bullshit.

If you can get your e and t to the right levels, then it's kinda irrelevant how you got them there.

 

[ZwartHartje]

Couldn't you have a doctor or nurse do it for you? Where do you get the hormone replacement?
Myself I've taken testosterone (female, somewhat gender-nonconforming bodybuilder) for many years now, the very first 2 or 3 times my mom did it for me, I've done it myself ever since. I used to self-harm before, I guess that made it much easier for me. But I guess if I had a problem with it and I'd ask for help at the doctor's office where I get my prescriptions, they'd probably either do it for me or point me to some other competent person to do it. I hope there's some option for you.

 

[Yakui]

have you considered something like this? its not quite an autoinjector but does the stabby bit for you. ive used it for a bit and found it to be helpful regarding needle anxiety.