Help For those 30+ who have been suicidal for at least a decade

[dontletthembribeyou]

I'm looking for some perspective from people who were suicidal in their early twenties and have remained so into their thirties and beyond, especially if your early 20s suicidal ideation was caused by feeling like a failure or being behind in life. Do you wish you had just CTB when you were younger, or do you believe there was still time to fix your life when you were in your twenties? I'm turning 22 soon and I'm way behind my peers socially, economically, career-wise, etc. I'm wondering if I should bother putting in the effort to catch up or if I should just end my shit now and get it over with

 

[zengiraffe]

I've been suicidal since I was 13, I am now 33. I regret not killing myself sooner.

Same. Suicidal since like 9, and I'm now 34. Nothing really happened between 9 and 34 that would have been better than just killing myself. During that time I graduated college, got my first job, got my first car, got my first girlfriend, etc. Doesn't matter. Existence just feels like a chore.

 

[sambrosia]

I'm looking for some perspective from people who were suicidal in their early twenties and have remained so into their thirties and beyond, especially if your early 20s suicidal ideation was caused by feeling like a failure or being behind in life. Do you wish you had just CTB when you were younger, or do you believe there was still time to fix your life when you were in your twenties? I'm turning 22 soon and I'm way behind my peers socially, economically, career-wise, etc. I'm wondering if I should bother putting in the effort to catch up or if I should just end my shit now and get it over with

Absolutely there is time for you. I was just thinking this, that I'd give anything to be early 20s again. (I'm 30 and been ideating since 11/12, but it got significantly worse in the past year or 2 with the decline of my mental health.)

Please believe me when I say that at 22, even if you're behind your peers in certain ways, you can still catch up.

It's up to you if you want to invest in your life, but I'm glad I didn't end it in my early 20s. That being said, I think for me it's the right decision to end it soon, but I'm glad it'll be in my 30s and not my 20s.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I've known many people and work with some now, who rebooted their lives and careers way after their 20's. When I was in my 20's I was a devout Jehovah's Witness who put zero effort into a career. Then later I had kids and finally had a reason to work harder, and have done fine by my own standards. So I would disagree with thinking the runway for getting established ends at any particular age. For the mental gymnastics I removed the suicidal aspect from my comments here and just focused on the career part. Nothing has gotten better for me overall and I'm pushing 60.

 

[dontletthembribeyou]

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I have had varying health issues in the last decade, but I also made an extraordinary amount of progress and was able to enjoy aspects of life I didn't think possible when I was in my early 20s and v suicidal.

When my last attempt failed completely - I was maybe 24? - I decided that considering it had continually not worked, all I could do was figure out how to make a life worth living, even if it was very begrudging. And for a long time, I did - and I was happy to be alive. I even got a tattoo commemorating 5 years since my attempt! And bought myself a ring every year for those five years to mark it.

I also eventually made my peace with the fact my life looked differently than my sisters did, than maybe what I expected life to be- because I'm disabled and have to manage things that most people don't. My politics and principles are important to me, and I'd never judge anyone who was 'behind' the norm, so I had to act like I wasn't judging myself or feeling shame, even though I was - but I was then also feeling shame about feeling shame! And it was a vicious cycle. But life began to get a lot better when I accepted what I had and things I couldn't control.

Im now 32. Things have gone badly in the last 2 years, but I don't regret staying alive for those years that I did. I was worth it and you are too.

I relate to this a lot. I'm also dealing with health issues which definitely contribute to me feeling suicidal and being behind in life. I'm still pretty hopeful that I can improve my health- we'll see what happens. Thanks for the encouragement:)

• Life does not have to be a race.
• All your peers that look like they are ahead of you have tens of years ahead of them to fuck everything up (they probably live and think the same things as you).
• Think about the role of social networks in your perception of your peers. If you posted this after scrolling instagram of other people your age: wake up, this is not real life. Those people can be 100 times more miserable than you and create a better image.
• Some people start new careers in their 30s and succeed. How can you be cooked being 22?

Do not percieve this as criticism or negativity. I wish you all the best.

I didn't perceive it that way. It's a reality check for sure. Thank you :)

 

[Fall_Apart]

I started having suicidal thoughts in my 20s after some bad trauma. Then in the following years I tried in every way to hold on to the hope that things could get better, but they didn't, in fact they got worse. When I thought I had found a mental balance, I got cancer at 40. It was devastating. For some strange reason at that time I wanted to live, then when I recovered, I realized that I wanted to die. After more than 10 years, I am planning my CTB and the only reason why I am still waiting, is because I have some family issues to sort out before I leave. However in your case I think you should give yourself another chance because you are still young, and you can still try to play your cards. There is always time to think about the CTB.

 

[Fritz]

I'm 60 and have felt like you are feeling for well over 40 years. All I know is that it hasn't gotten bad enough yet where I CTB (obviously). At this point I'm just riding it out to see where it goes. At some point I'll decide that this whole thing is stupid and pointless and I'll CTB, or I'll die naturally. At this point I don't give a crap how it plays out.

 

[LostLily]

I wish that I don't it earlier because it was so much easier to get SN just a few years ago. I'm just tired of life and tried everything.

 

[LetMeOut67]

I wish I'd CTB the day I left school.
41 summers ago.
My experience of life is that it's not worth it.
But then I have the considerable hurdles of autism and chronic introversion.
If I felt I had anything at all to live for and was young now I'd probably pursue it for a while.
And take advantage of your physical health cos you take it for granted. I got into the feeling that compared to bad physical pain nothing was worth worrying about.

 

[Cashewmilk]

I'm 36, have been suicidal since I was a child, attempted at 14 and it was a huge spectacle, psych ward and everything, cutting arms, overdose, etc. After my first attempt, I was going down a really horrible path. I was using drugs and hanging out with toxic people, and was hated by everyone. At 21, I got addicted to opiates. It's been 15 years in this addiction. I'm trapped. It is basically the number one reason why I'm totally stuck in an abusive environment and in a deteriorating body. Quitting is impossible for, I'm one of those people that is never able to quit or experience opiate withdrawal. When I go into opiate withdrawal, I immediately become impulsively suicidal and will try to strangle myself.

If I wasn't addicted to opiates, and was financially independent, I'd stick around a bit longer until I got cancer or some horrible disease from smoking cigarettes, so I could apply for legal assisted suicide. Even if I was happy, I would still rather die. I'm neurodivergent, this world wasn't made for people like me. Plus nature is cruel. All I can say for you is, do not get addicted to a drug, it makes things 1000x worse. Also, if you are not independent yet, and are able to, work towards it. The last thing you want is to be like me and stuck living with your abusive family members (if they are abusive).

The reason I'm still alive now is simply because I'm a failure in all areas of life, especially with suicide. I have failed all of my multiple attempts. Because of the way my brain is wired, I ruminate about various methods and I'm so hyper aware, it makes it so impossible to attempt anything because I've terrified myself with dark thoughts. Like at the moment, I'm really leaning towards jumping off a high point onto concrete. But just the thought of it sounds insane and shockingly painful and horrifying, and I keep thinking about the whole thing in detail. I can't do SN or hanging etc or anything that takes time or needs privacy because I don't have either. I've tried the compression hanging so, so many times and it never worked, I wanted a painless feeling of passing out, but could never achieve it. It's easier for me to stay alive than to commit suicide, at the moment. If I win the lottery, the first thing I'm going to do is buy N on the black market (if it's still available). I've been visiting online suicidal spaces since before smartphones were invented. I have access to lethal amounts of opiates but I can't take them like that, I've done it before and survived, and if I don't survive, I'll be getting other people in trouble, they could lose their licenses or be jailed, and I can't do that to them, especially if I end up being resuscitated and in hospital, then I'll have to witness the fallout and things will just be worse than it is now.

I'm literally trapped here. I'm stuck. Whoever said suicide was cowardly was thoroughly wrong. It's extremely difficult. I hate it when neurotypical people believe that suicide or "ending it" is so easy, and they think that my being alive is proof I want to be here. It's not, believe me, I've tried. I don't know if I can do it, I really hope I can because things are just getting worse as time goes on.