For me it's either enlightment or suicide

[Sadbanana]

I know this is quite obscure topic and a lot of you will probably think I'm just crazy.

It's been around 2 years since I realized that this thing is actually real on a psychadelic trip. Over time I found people that call it non dual awakening. It's basically a state of mind where you don't identify with thoughts, but with something more primary. From all the glimpses I had, I realized that identification with thoughts are responsible for almost if not all suffering. The first shift in identity is a start of a process where the ego slowly gets dismantled and you stop suffering altogether.

I spent a long time meditating, doing self enquiry and some other techniques that should help me "wake up". But so far it nothing happened.

This is the only thing that gives me hope. But if it won't happen for me then my life will just keep being torture. I think that if it doesn't happen soon I will just kill myself instead. Either way I will accomplish ending my suffering.

 

[most_en_koren]

Hey sadbanana,
I feel very much the same way. Just like you I long very much for this 'waking up'.
I meditate every day and it makes me feel free from this 'person feeling so-and-so, thinking this-and-that', it also helps me see fear into perspective. I think this nondual experience you talk about is more real than any reality created by thought.
But it's like a gear to shift in, and afterwards slowly the 'regular mind' comes back. making me suffer and especially making me believe I cannot take the suffering (thinking about how much suffering inevitably lies in the future, etc.). And maybe I can't.
I have ME/CFS which leads to a lot of 'physical' suffering already. Then I am socially very isolated and have been depressed for a long time. I see no future and really want to give up. All effort is just 100x more effortful than it used to be, I am so worn out, I can't go on.
All I want is peace. To just dissolve into space and be nothing; just not be this suffering person.
I'm honestly not sure if enlightenment is really possible. Some say that enlightenment is a joke, it's just another thing you believe you need to achieve, making you miserable when you feel like you're 'failing'. My view on this is that it's not by merit/work that you can 'achieve' enlightenment. When you try too hard, it doesn't come to you. Sometimes it naturally presents itself and you don't have to put in any effort. It's really not something you can summon.
If enlightenment is possible, I don't think I can make it, I'm too exhausted.
I hope to find enlightenment at the moment of death. But sometimes I strongly doubt this.
Would you say you are metaphysically confused? I certainly am. The more I thing of these things, the less sense they make.
Do you have any idea about what happens after death?

I wish you, and everyone reading this, eternal peace. <3

 

[Sadbanana]

Hey sadbanana,
I feel very much the same way. Just like you I long very much for this 'waking up'.
I meditate every day and it makes me feel free from this 'person feeling so-and-so, thinking this-and-that', it also helps me see fear into perspective. I think this nondual experience you talk about is more real than any reality created by thought.
But it's like a gear to shift in, and afterwards slowly the 'regular mind' comes back. making me suffer and especially making me believe I cannot take the suffering (thinking about how much suffering inevitably lies in the future, etc.). And maybe I can't.
I have ME/CFS which leads to a lot of 'physical' suffering already. Then I am socially very isolated and have been depressed for a long time. I see no future and really want to give up. All effort is just 100x more effortful than it used to be, I am so worn out, I can't go on.
All I want is peace. To just dissolve into space and be nothing; just not be this suffering person.
I'm honestly not sure if enlightenment is really possible. Some say that enlightenment is a joke, it's just another thing you believe you need to achieve, making you miserable when you feel like you're 'failing'. My view on this is that it's not by merit/work that you can 'achieve' enlightenment. When you try too hard, it doesn't come to you. Sometimes it naturally presents itself and you don't have to put in any effort. It's really not something you can summon.
If enlightenment is possible, I don't think I can make it, I'm too exhausted.
I hope to find enlightenment at the moment of death. But sometimes I strongly doubt this.
Would you say you are metaphysically confused? I certainly am. The more I thing of these things, the less sense they make.
Do you have any idea about what happens after death?

I wish you, and everyone reading this, eternal peace. <3

I wish I knew what happens when we die. But I don't think this awareness can ever die, so probably some radically different type of experience.

I'm deffinitely confused, but as this point I'm no longer trying to make any metaphorical assumptions about the universe, you can't really check if it's true anyway.

I watched a lot of youtube channels about non duality. My personal favorites are simply always awake and Ascendor. It can help a lot when they talk about common traps of the ego.

I don't think awakening has anything to do with deserving it, but maybe there are certain conditions that can help facilitate it, like being open to it and do practice, I don't think there is much more you can do. From that point on it's up to the universe.

What would you say that is holding you back from waking up?

 

[endboss]

I know this is quite obscure topic and a lot of you will probably think I'm just crazy.

It's been around 2 years since I realized that this thing is actually real on a psychadelic trip. Over time I found people that call it non dual awakening. It's basically a state of mind where you don't identify with thoughts, but with something more primary. From all the glimpses I had, I realized that identification with thoughts are responsible for almost if not all suffering. The first shift in identity is a start of a process where the ego slowly gets dismantled and you stop suffering altogether.

I spent a long time meditating, doing self enquiry and some other techniques that should help me "wake up". But so far it nothing happened.

This is the only thing that gives me hope. But if it won't happen for me then my life will just keep being torture. I think that if it doesn't happen soon I will just kill myself instead. Either way I will accomplish ending my suffering.

Maybe there is a buddhist sangha near where you live. You could join their practice. That way you can make progress on your path easier. I did long ago for a short while and the people I've met left a lasting impression on me. They were real, not bothered by anything, warm and funny. If you have to chose between killing the illusion of yourself and killing yourself, kill maya.

 

[[redacted]]

Haha same. When I was like 19 I decided I wanted to go for enlightenment because I knew I was going to be unhappy.
I am 28 now and have made 0 progress.
Currently, I am trying to cultivate equanimity. I think I have made some progress.
For one reason or another, life is just too painful

 

[aceHardlight]

I've had an ego death myself, after a traumatic event. Since then I practice meditation and have reached deep states without any thoughts. I even had a brief stay in a bhuddist monastery.

Can you imagine such a life for yourself? I would life as a monk, but I can't because I require antipsychotic medication for my psychiatric condition.

If I was otherwise healthy or 'just' depressed, I would love to ordain. That's a life with purpose, regardless of your belief in a higher power.

 

[spellbound]

I also have the will to reach enlightenment. I don't think I'll be able to reach it through any other way than suicide tho. It's the only path for me.
But I do think enlightenment is not something that just "happens", it's a long and arduous path no matter how you try to get to it. But it only goes one way. You can't make any backward progress, and you can't stop. That's you can't give up and ctb. Because enlightenment is both the non-duality state you describe and the path you took to get it.
It's my lowly opinion that you cant reach enlightenment if you put your focus on the desire to end your suffering. Because as you know, desire is the cause of suffering. Enlightenment is not a painkiller. It's a more noble state of being one with everything, which includes your suffering. You'll never be satisfied, that's the whole point, but you will stop wanting satisfaction.
I wish you peace and courage on whichever path you take

 

[most_en_koren]

What would you say that is holding you back from waking up?

A few things:
1) lack of willpower
2) I don't want to make it into a goal
3) the thought "what's the use?". I feel like trying to reach enlightenment for myself is just a bit egoic again, focused on 'my own' wellbeing. Any idea of having reached it will probably be more illusion. I cannot imagine the universe to work that way, like we're all beings that have to take care of their own waking up; then why were we asleep in the first place? and what good is it for one of those beings to wake up, when the rest is still stuck? wouldn't it be an evil universe if this was the case ? I guess the only way it wouldn't be evil is if all beings, regardless of what they did in their life, would be in complete peace after death. Not sure what that would look like, there probably isn't any image of it conceivable to our mind. This is my hope.

I see that it sort of doesn't make sense to kill myself in order to come to this peace. I should probably try to be equanimous, and sometimes I am. But on the other hand it is so exhausting to stay alive and I can't keep up with it. I just can't explain all the useless suffering of the world, why?!

How do you guys feel about this, especially point 3?

 

[Forever Sleep]

Have you read 'The Power of Now' by Eckart Tolle? This sounds related in a way. To realise that you have a calm, central core- that is able to perceive the emotional, thought riddled mess on top.

Not that I've reached an enlightened state or anything but- simply being able to ask the question: 'How am I feeling?' demonstrates that we have a being that is caught up in thinking and our emotional response to those thoughts and then, another kind of being that is able to observe all of that. I suppose the observer is still thinking but, maybe they can be more removed and calmer about it.

The focus on the 'now' is central to Tolle's book too. Seeing as so many of our thoughts are caught up in our past and future. Probably, for a lot of times, the now is actually peaceful. Are we in immediate danger? Are our basic needs met? I suppose focussing on things happening now- we can use that to centre ourselves where we are. How does it feel to be sitting where we are? To be breathing?

Also, Sadhguru makes interesting videos on YouTube about meditation and how to address some of the things we struggle with in modern life. A kind of thought diarrhea for one.

 

[Sadbanana]

A few things:
1) lack of willpower
2) I don't want to make it into a goal
3) the thought "what's the use?". I feel like trying to reach enlightenment for myself is just a bit egoic again, focused on 'my own' wellbeing. Any idea of having reached it will probably be more illusion. I cannot imagine the universe to work that way, like we're all beings that have to take care of their own waking up; then why were we asleep in the first place? and what good is it for one of those beings to wake up, when the rest is still stuck? wouldn't it be an evil universe if this was the case ? I guess the only way it wouldn't be evil is if all beings, regardless of what they did in their life, would be in complete peace after death. Not sure what that would look like, there probably isn't any image of it conceivable to our mind. This is my hope.

I see that it sort of doesn't make sense to kill myself in order to come to this peace. I should probably try to be equanimous, and sometimes I am. But on the other hand it is so exhausting to stay alive and I can't keep up with it. I just can't explain all the useless suffering of the world, why?!

How do you guys feel about this, especially point 3?

1) I feel like I struggle with this too. But for me it's in waves. There are times I can't make myself meditate for nothing in the world and other times I do it all day long. I wouldn't worry about that, just do what comes naturally.

2) Most non duality speakers say you should make it your number one priority. But the goal is to get rid of goals. So it's paradoxical. You need to find the place where your intention meets surrender.

3) The use is a relaxed state of being that is much more enjoyable than whatever you are experiencing through ego. Whenever I had a glimpse, it was deeply profound. It's a richer form of experience, because we normally turn territory into maps and than those maps into even more compressed maps and at some point we are completely dissociated.

I personally think you misunderstand what "egoic" means. If you identify as a selfless person that only cares about others, that's egoic. It only reinforces the separation between "you" and "them". Your wellbeing metters just as much as everyone elses, because the human that you are aware of is just another creature with needs. This is your birthright.

I don't understand how this all came to be or what is the metaphorical truth. It certainly seems like an evil design, but I don't think it was made like this on purpuse. Or it could be an experimentation with identification that has gone wrong. I think identification can be fun in certain conditions, unfortunately for most people it's just torture.

I hope I don't sound too smart ass. I haven't woken up myself, so I can't tell if what I'm telling you is useful at all, it's just my understanding of it. I also struggled with these questions a lot and sometimes still do.