shabloolator
Member
- Jun 18, 2026
- 6
I used an app to translate what I wrote down for myself to English so some details might've been lost also had to change the wording a bit, let me know if there is any part which needs clarification
Today I had a discussion with a girl I met from a dating app that I connected with, relatively, about the standard that a man should pay on the first dates. When I explained that I understand why it could be important to someone or a warning sign if he doesn't pay on the first date, but there is a condescending angle towards the female's side and of inequality, she felt the need to say that it is still a standard for her and she will not change it. Several times, my point was not that she should change it for her, but that there is a condescending side to it.
And in those moments when she didn't oppose my point of view and just said that she wouldn't change it anyway, it felt like she did understand why it was hurtful or wrong, but still refused to change it, which is generally not so pleasant, but especially because she's from that "I hate men" type, "Statistically, men are responsible for x and y."
I do understand her and agree with some of what she says. I feel like I'm really trying to be as open-minded as I can, but when it comes to my opinions that make the woman look a bit bad, then she denies it more and becomes defensive. What worries me most is that she will set stricter boundaries for me than she will set for herself, like N (my ex which has raped me and been very toxic and manipulative in the 4 months we've been together, I start thinking about the whole after talking about what happend with her which came up while talking to one of the girls yesterday) would have done (she also mentioned she would say that she hated men in the past). In general, I don't like there being a gender bias especially not in a relationship or a friendship. Whether it's towards the woman or towards the man, it raises a red flag for me regarding the personality of the person who does it, and it's something that pushes me away. I do know that she has some extreme opinions, but I'm afraid it's something that will affect me later, and I also don't think her view of the world will do me any good. Although I do take what she tells me and what she thinks with a grain of salt, it's already affecting my view of the world in a more depressing direction. I already have some nihilistic views about the world, and they're already affecting my mental health. I'm worried that in the long run, her view will affect me to the point where it will hurt me. I met someone from a dating app, and we really get along in terms of laughter and things we've been through and our views on certain things. The two conversations we had on Discord in voice chat lasted 6 hours, and it really flowed.
I'm not sure if I should continue to pursue the relationship with her. Yesterday, a red flag went up for me, and I automatically wanted to dismiss it, but that's what has bothered me in the past, and the thought occurred to me that maybe I'm thinking about it too deeply. If it's something that makes me feel bad and is also considered a significant red flag for me, it's simply not worth continuing and for now I'll for sure just take a step back with her
Specifically in this case, I don't believe there's no reason to talk to her about this matter to find a middle ground because that's who she is, and it's not something I'm supposed to change or even try to. We also talked about cases where people told hershe was quite extreme about her opinions and that people she was with tried to talk to her and change her perspective on men.
The reason it hurts me to this degree is maybe because of cruelty I have experienced not only by men but by women too. There are a big amount of women with disgusting behavior as well. What N did to me, the harm I went through, I usually refer to the rape as SA which I also do with something smiliar I went through when I was younger, but with her it's a lot more clear it's rape tbh, I told her a few times I am not interested but she pressured me into saying yes and it was at a time where she was very explosive over the stupidest of things. My other experience with dating was with a woman that lied about her age for years and was also very toxic to me, even females I had no connection to would be malicious to me.
After I changed schools, I was sitting in class and during recess and it was just me and another new student, and two older female students came and talked about whether they thought we had a big dick. one time I was in a mall around the age of 16 and I was very nervous because when it comes to interaction or public places, it really stresses me out. On the escalator, I put my hand on the side rail and a group of girls took the one parallel to mine, once I passed by them they touched my hand and laughed together when they noticed I got nervous and couldn't understand why they would do that out of nowhere. I was already a bit upset about what happened with N, and I would have been happy to tell her about all those other moments I experienced and show her that there are a lot of bad women. But I doubt that I I'll be able to change her mind on the subject, and it's really better for me not to being it up again. It just doesn't sit well with me that she's so biased towards women. When we talked about this "the man pays on the first date" gentleman standard, I mostly spoke in general terms, not specifically about her, but she still made excuses or didn't really believe when I explained that this standard is toxic
She also said that it's critical for the man to pay on the first date to prove himself kind of, which I feel at this point I need the girl to prove herself if anything and I still wouldn't have this kind of expectation
I eventually ended up talking to a different girl from one of the apps, and the conversation was pretty chill until it escelated into her telling me about the hatred she has for a certain race, and in general, she was overly racist. She was also aware of it and said so herself.
The conversation was weird when it suddenly turned to racism. I wasn't sure if she was joking and playing a character or if she really thought that way, but after we continued talking, I realized that it was really how she felt. There was no strong sign that she was actually racist to such an extreme level. She was nice and our conversations really flowed. The conversation I had with her wasn't hostile towards me at all. It was more that she expressed her hatred. I tried to talk to her logically, but she always came back to linking her experiences with that race to prove her racism. When I checked with her if she didn't think it was sad or exaggerated, she said no. After the conversation ended, I started to hear my parents arguing in the living room through my door. I had never heard my dad so angry. He was shouting so loudly that I opened the door to make sure it wouldn't turn into a physical fight because my mom doesn't know when to stop fighting with Dad. Many times she adds fuel to the fire.
How a lot of people I try to develop a relationship or friendship with do what feels to me like a 180 going from being chill to suddenly having imo extreme hateful opinions just gets me more and more paranoid
Unless my life takes a 180-degree turn socially before I reach my breaking point, I believe I will continue in this loop and eventually be full on convinced that the world and people are built to be malicious, and eventually there will come a day when I will be brave and ctb, or at least the people I connect with will always have a malicious side. I remind myself that it doesn't make sense for something like this to happen, that there is no proof that there is a bias or that it will happen specifically to me and it works usually, but at a certain point, with so many coincidences of meeting these awful people and these stuff happening to me, it doesn't make sense statistically, what stops me from truly believing the whole "I will be miserable and alone" thought is common sense, how I know the world functions but if all of this is happening against odds what if instead of being unlucky it's just my destiny
I sent all of these texts to my therapist in 2 parts and after the first part my therapist told me that she'd rather we talk about it tomorrow in person, I sent the rest of what happend today out of fear of bottling all of this up and suffering more and more and I just wanted to tell someone to not feel alone and maybe get a bit of comfort
after sending the 2nd part she sent me a voice message saying she has a bunch of sessions and that she feels that I'm trying to do a session in text and to pretty much contact her only if things really get out of hand which I feel like it already is, only after this text I actually let myself cry, I know she has her own life and her work to do but it just kinda further fuels the nihilist thoughts I'm having, showing me that I'm honestly on my own
Today I had a discussion with a girl I met from a dating app that I connected with, relatively, about the standard that a man should pay on the first dates. When I explained that I understand why it could be important to someone or a warning sign if he doesn't pay on the first date, but there is a condescending angle towards the female's side and of inequality, she felt the need to say that it is still a standard for her and she will not change it. Several times, my point was not that she should change it for her, but that there is a condescending side to it.
And in those moments when she didn't oppose my point of view and just said that she wouldn't change it anyway, it felt like she did understand why it was hurtful or wrong, but still refused to change it, which is generally not so pleasant, but especially because she's from that "I hate men" type, "Statistically, men are responsible for x and y."
I do understand her and agree with some of what she says. I feel like I'm really trying to be as open-minded as I can, but when it comes to my opinions that make the woman look a bit bad, then she denies it more and becomes defensive. What worries me most is that she will set stricter boundaries for me than she will set for herself, like N (my ex which has raped me and been very toxic and manipulative in the 4 months we've been together, I start thinking about the whole after talking about what happend with her which came up while talking to one of the girls yesterday) would have done (she also mentioned she would say that she hated men in the past). In general, I don't like there being a gender bias especially not in a relationship or a friendship. Whether it's towards the woman or towards the man, it raises a red flag for me regarding the personality of the person who does it, and it's something that pushes me away. I do know that she has some extreme opinions, but I'm afraid it's something that will affect me later, and I also don't think her view of the world will do me any good. Although I do take what she tells me and what she thinks with a grain of salt, it's already affecting my view of the world in a more depressing direction. I already have some nihilistic views about the world, and they're already affecting my mental health. I'm worried that in the long run, her view will affect me to the point where it will hurt me. I met someone from a dating app, and we really get along in terms of laughter and things we've been through and our views on certain things. The two conversations we had on Discord in voice chat lasted 6 hours, and it really flowed.
I'm not sure if I should continue to pursue the relationship with her. Yesterday, a red flag went up for me, and I automatically wanted to dismiss it, but that's what has bothered me in the past, and the thought occurred to me that maybe I'm thinking about it too deeply. If it's something that makes me feel bad and is also considered a significant red flag for me, it's simply not worth continuing and for now I'll for sure just take a step back with her
Specifically in this case, I don't believe there's no reason to talk to her about this matter to find a middle ground because that's who she is, and it's not something I'm supposed to change or even try to. We also talked about cases where people told hershe was quite extreme about her opinions and that people she was with tried to talk to her and change her perspective on men.
The reason it hurts me to this degree is maybe because of cruelty I have experienced not only by men but by women too. There are a big amount of women with disgusting behavior as well. What N did to me, the harm I went through, I usually refer to the rape as SA which I also do with something smiliar I went through when I was younger, but with her it's a lot more clear it's rape tbh, I told her a few times I am not interested but she pressured me into saying yes and it was at a time where she was very explosive over the stupidest of things. My other experience with dating was with a woman that lied about her age for years and was also very toxic to me, even females I had no connection to would be malicious to me.
After I changed schools, I was sitting in class and during recess and it was just me and another new student, and two older female students came and talked about whether they thought we had a big dick. one time I was in a mall around the age of 16 and I was very nervous because when it comes to interaction or public places, it really stresses me out. On the escalator, I put my hand on the side rail and a group of girls took the one parallel to mine, once I passed by them they touched my hand and laughed together when they noticed I got nervous and couldn't understand why they would do that out of nowhere. I was already a bit upset about what happened with N, and I would have been happy to tell her about all those other moments I experienced and show her that there are a lot of bad women. But I doubt that I I'll be able to change her mind on the subject, and it's really better for me not to being it up again. It just doesn't sit well with me that she's so biased towards women. When we talked about this "the man pays on the first date" gentleman standard, I mostly spoke in general terms, not specifically about her, but she still made excuses or didn't really believe when I explained that this standard is toxic
She also said that it's critical for the man to pay on the first date to prove himself kind of, which I feel at this point I need the girl to prove herself if anything and I still wouldn't have this kind of expectation
I eventually ended up talking to a different girl from one of the apps, and the conversation was pretty chill until it escelated into her telling me about the hatred she has for a certain race, and in general, she was overly racist. She was also aware of it and said so herself.
The conversation was weird when it suddenly turned to racism. I wasn't sure if she was joking and playing a character or if she really thought that way, but after we continued talking, I realized that it was really how she felt. There was no strong sign that she was actually racist to such an extreme level. She was nice and our conversations really flowed. The conversation I had with her wasn't hostile towards me at all. It was more that she expressed her hatred. I tried to talk to her logically, but she always came back to linking her experiences with that race to prove her racism. When I checked with her if she didn't think it was sad or exaggerated, she said no. After the conversation ended, I started to hear my parents arguing in the living room through my door. I had never heard my dad so angry. He was shouting so loudly that I opened the door to make sure it wouldn't turn into a physical fight because my mom doesn't know when to stop fighting with Dad. Many times she adds fuel to the fire.
How a lot of people I try to develop a relationship or friendship with do what feels to me like a 180 going from being chill to suddenly having imo extreme hateful opinions just gets me more and more paranoid
Unless my life takes a 180-degree turn socially before I reach my breaking point, I believe I will continue in this loop and eventually be full on convinced that the world and people are built to be malicious, and eventually there will come a day when I will be brave and ctb, or at least the people I connect with will always have a malicious side. I remind myself that it doesn't make sense for something like this to happen, that there is no proof that there is a bias or that it will happen specifically to me and it works usually, but at a certain point, with so many coincidences of meeting these awful people and these stuff happening to me, it doesn't make sense statistically, what stops me from truly believing the whole "I will be miserable and alone" thought is common sense, how I know the world functions but if all of this is happening against odds what if instead of being unlucky it's just my destiny
I sent all of these texts to my therapist in 2 parts and after the first part my therapist told me that she'd rather we talk about it tomorrow in person, I sent the rest of what happend today out of fear of bottling all of this up and suffering more and more and I just wanted to tell someone to not feel alone and maybe get a bit of comfort
after sending the 2nd part she sent me a voice message saying she has a bunch of sessions and that she feels that I'm trying to do a session in text and to pretty much contact her only if things really get out of hand which I feel like it already is, only after this text I actually let myself cry, I know she has her own life and her work to do but it just kinda further fuels the nihilist thoughts I'm having, showing me that I'm honestly on my own
