Fighting the urge to be impulsive (just rambling)

[Pure]

I haven't had such a bad day in a while. I spent an hour fighting to not impulsively hang myself or slit my wrists or drive somewhere to throw myself into a lake. Why? I have a last ditch effort in a few weeks to try ayahuasca and see if it'd cure me of my demons.

But after today I'm questioning why I must wait and not just go ahead with ctb. I've never before felt this level of commitment and acceptance into dying. I have no one and everyday is such a nightmare especially now that I know my life will become even more stressful and even more depressing (winter and darkness) very soon. I just want the pain to stop. I wish I had SN on me so badly.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really is horrible. I understand it is hard to carry on when everyday is suffering. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[whywere]

I am/feel so sorry for you as I too am 100% alone and I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder). I live in the Midwest of the U.S and now the sun sets around 4:30pm and total darkness by 5. It drives me up a wall.

I want you to know that I consider you a good friend of mine and we are hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder together, as life throws curve balls all the time, and when one helps another, we all win.

My wish is for you to have a good day tomorrow, and a awesome weekend filled with all the great folks here on SS and plenty of excellent food and drink.

I send you lots of care, and good thoughts as you are NEVER EVER alone and I care for you deeply. I 100% of the time wear my heart on my sleeve and it beats with you in mind.

My best to you always,

Walter