Feeling unmotivated to either live or die

[Painless_end]

I am mentally weak but I still fear death enough to not attempt it.

I haven't been able to off myself. I have only briefly considered jumping (quickly abandoned idea) and hanging (tried full and partial, panicked and failed).

I know my survival instinct wants me to live but I would rather die.

How can such dual thoughts exist in my mind ? I want to die but my survival instinct wants me to live.

To add some more details, I have a mental baseline of a child or a weak frail old person. What this means is that, no matter how much I feel positive or negative on a particular day, my actions only get performed with the strength or direction that a child or an old person would have. If you look closely, both children and old people have something in common, they are not mentally strong or directed towards goals like adults. They do whatever they can to either entertain themselves or pass the time.

 

[FuneralCry]

Us humans are programmed to survive after all, it is how we have evolved. I have wanted to die for a long time, but yet I am still here. It really is difficult to exit this world, if it was easier I would already be gone. We deserve an option of a peaceful exit at a time of our own choosing. It isn't as if any of us asked to be here in the first place.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

It is very difficult to do. I attempted the first time a few days ago in a hotel. It's scary to face the fact and I was in too much fear. It's even harder if you have anxiety. If you have anxiety I'd advise you to begin meditating over your fear of death to calm you. It's very hard to do

 

[BrokenHopes]

I have a mental baseline of a child or a weak frail old person. What this means is that, no matter how much I feel positive or negative on a particular day, my actions only get performed with the strength or direction that a child or an old person would have. If you look closely, both children and old people have something in common, they are not mentally strong or directed towards goals like adults. They do whatever they can to either entertain themselves or pass the time.

This was interesting, never heard about this before. Is it a known diagnosis or something you experience yourself?

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I think it is pretty common to experience conflicting thoughts about suicide. I know I have them. It is a pain.

 

[Painless_end]

This was interesting, never heard about this before. Is it a known diagnosis or something you experience yourself?

I do experience myself but the mental energy of frail old people and dependent children are both the same, they depend on the adults of the world

I am physically an adult but I suffer some kind of neurobiological issue that makes my thinking and mental capacity limited. It is rather problematic because I am unable to set goals or sustain in any kind of job or education domain for long. I just have a very low mental baseline. My desire for stuff like money, or growth, vanishes as my mind cannot adjust to the rapidly moving forward world. There's a deep sense of unhappiness and a fundamental lack of interest and capabilities that hampers my growth as an adult. It's not even related to depression, it's just a characteristic of my mind that cannot be altered.

 

[BrokenHopes]

I do experience myself but the mental energy of frail old people and dependent children are both the same, they depend on the adults of the world

I am physically an adult but I suffer some kind of neurobiological issue that makes my thinking and mental capacity limited. It is rather problematic because I am unable to set goals or sustain in any kind of job or education domain for long. I just have a very low mental baseline. My desire for stuff like money, or growth, vanishes as my mind cannot adjust to the rapidly moving forward world. There's a deep sense of unhappiness and a fundamental lack of interest and capabilities that hampers my growth as an adult. It's not even related to depression, it's just a characteristic of my mind that cannot be altered.

Yes I think I understand what you mean. I have that state of mind sometimes although it is not my default, I believe. It mostly comes out when the pain is too much to carry.
I think it is not a bad thing your desire for money and material things is not so big. If more people were like that this would be a better world and less shallow.

 

[Jblack]

I think that is exactly the reason I am still here. No reason to live but no motivation to exit. A true hell on earth. I wish I could just get up the energy to ctb and end this misery. Somedays I wake up and think this is the day but always fail to follow through. Maybe its SI but I really think the depression is so bad that I just don't have the motivation.