Another venting post. I'm finally starting to get over the loss of my best friend and I'm finally starting to feel a bit better. I tried to take my own life twice this week and failed both times because I was too big of a pussy to go through with it.
Now I'm stuck feeling numb. I don't exactly want to die but I don't really want to live either. I've kinda just lost hope when it comes to friendships and love. Every time I get hurt, it just makes my anxiety worse and then I'm expected to just try again and again and again. I just wish it wasn't so hard to find a person that respects me and appreciates what I do for them. I'm very emotional and sensitive and if I'm going for it, I'm going all the way. I'd do everything for my best friend if they needed support and she ended up just throwing me in the trash... feels awful and I'm scared to try again with other people in the future.
Trusting someone just becomes harder and harder every single time and I'm starting to wonder if I should even try at all anymore. Life sucks... people suck... or maybe I just have a radar for the scummiest people on earth. I'm at a point where I'd stay in a toxic relationship just to not be alone and admit fault for things I didn't even do.
My depression is finally starting to improve, I started working out and I look 100x better than I did a few weeks ago. I'm honestly proud of myself but not being able to share my progress with anyone or get support from anyone still feels terrible. I don't miss my best friend anymore due to her immature reactions but I still miss the thought of her. The thought of having someone that knows you exist, someone that you can go to when times are tough.
A grown man with depression, anxiety, insecurities and self harm scars has to be one of the most unattractive things ever and it honestly sucks. I feel more confident and secure on my own than I do around others because others always seem to know how to make me crack. It still doesn't change the fact that I feel so lonely. Being able to show someone how much you care about them, how much you love them Is honestly the best feeling ever and nothing can beat it.
I honestly wonder if I should even try again at this point because no one seems to take me seriously...
Now I'm stuck feeling numb. I don't exactly want to die but I don't really want to live either. I've kinda just lost hope when it comes to friendships and love. Every time I get hurt, it just makes my anxiety worse and then I'm expected to just try again and again and again. I just wish it wasn't so hard to find a person that respects me and appreciates what I do for them. I'm very emotional and sensitive and if I'm going for it, I'm going all the way. I'd do everything for my best friend if they needed support and she ended up just throwing me in the trash... feels awful and I'm scared to try again with other people in the future.
Trusting someone just becomes harder and harder every single time and I'm starting to wonder if I should even try at all anymore. Life sucks... people suck... or maybe I just have a radar for the scummiest people on earth. I'm at a point where I'd stay in a toxic relationship just to not be alone and admit fault for things I didn't even do.
My depression is finally starting to improve, I started working out and I look 100x better than I did a few weeks ago. I'm honestly proud of myself but not being able to share my progress with anyone or get support from anyone still feels terrible. I don't miss my best friend anymore due to her immature reactions but I still miss the thought of her. The thought of having someone that knows you exist, someone that you can go to when times are tough.
A grown man with depression, anxiety, insecurities and self harm scars has to be one of the most unattractive things ever and it honestly sucks. I feel more confident and secure on my own than I do around others because others always seem to know how to make me crack. It still doesn't change the fact that I feel so lonely. Being able to show someone how much you care about them, how much you love them Is honestly the best feeling ever and nothing can beat it.
I honestly wonder if I should even try again at this point because no one seems to take me seriously...
