Venting Feeling guilty that I'm still thinking of ctb, even on my brother's birthday

[peridot-tears]

I kept pushing "the day" more and more each day for the past month. "I'll do it tomorrow", "Oh, it didn't work today. I guess I'll go to bed and try again tomorrow.", over and over. Well, I've been so wrapped up in it that I forgot up until last night that my little brother's birthday was today. I couldn't do it to the poor guy, so I put on the best fake happy I could when I called this morning. And by the time I let him go so he could go to school, immediately thought about ctb the rest of the day. I'm in a different state so I can't give him a hug as a silent "I'm sorry for everything". I'm such a terrible big sister.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I'm such a terrible big sister.

The fact that you worry about such things is proof that you aren't. You clearly care about your brother. I don't really know you too well, but just by reading this post I think I can sort of tell that you aren't as bad a person as you think you are.

 

[loser4ever4life]

You're not a bad sister, have some kindness for yourself, even if you believe you don't deserve it.

I'm in the same spot as you tbh, didn't think I would be here to see May. Pushed it day by day, and when the actual day did come and I tried, I couldn't, now I'm here. It doesn't feel real, I'm just going through the motions maybe, it's an awful headspace to be in. A limbo.

I hope someone comments better advice but I'm here letting you know your feelings are valid, some people take life day by day, pushing it back again and again, everyone has their own journey, i hope you find peace in yours