Venting Feeling guilty and sometimes thinking about ctb

[mya_]

So basically since my brother CTB'd last year, I can't stop thinking that I'm a bad sibling and how guilty I feel. I've tried therapy but it only works in the short run; my brain comes up with new explanations as to why the therapist is wrong and I'm actually a bad sibling. I don't know how to cope and sometimes I find myself thinking about ctb. I don't want to do it, but I feel like shit honestly.
I've also read that siblings of suicide are at risk of also committing suicide, idk who to ask for help.
So yeah, that was my vent, I don't know who to talk to about this.

 

[SomewhereAlongThe]

Wow, first off, my deepest condolences for your brother. I honestly wish I could tell you something magical about how I sincerely believe that it isn't because you're a bad sibling, that it's not your fault and that you're a good sibling. But I have nothing, even though I truly want you to never blame yourself for what happened. Once again, it wasn't your fault.

We walk lonely paths and suffer within and sometimes nobody and nothing can change that, no matter how good you are to them. I know, regardless of whatever love I'm offered, I'd still CTB. Keep walking your path, have mercy on yourself, and just because your brother chose to go doesn't mean you have to now too, or that you deserve to. Talk to us as much as you can, there's an entire community out there for you, of people who can relate to your struggles and help you through your pain.

 

[mya_]

Wow, first off, my deepest condolences for your brother. I honestly wish I could tell you something magical about how I sincerely believe that it isn't because you're a bad sibling, that it's not your fault and that you're a good sibling. But I have nothing, even though I truly want you to never blame yourself for what happened. Once again, it wasn't your fault.

We walk lonely paths and suffer within and sometimes nobody and nothing can change that, no matter how good you are to them. I know, regardless of whatever love I'm offered, I'd still CTB. Keep walking your path, have mercy on yourself, and just because your brother chose to go doesn't mean you have to now too, or that you deserve to. Talk to us as much as you can, there's an entire community out there for you, of people who can relate to your struggles and help you through your pain.

Thank you for your kind words. I know I can come here and vent, it's usually cathartic and it makes me feel better. It's so difficult to grieve, honestly I wish I could talk about all of this with my brother