Feeling desired won’t save you

[burninghill]

I really genuinely hate using the R slur but it's the only word I can use to describe myself. What a fucking idiot.

I went on a date with a guy today, it's really easy to think that (if you've never been romantically desired) it can 'save you'.

I've gone on plenty of dates in the last year and let men touch me and kiss me, hoping it'll make me feel some type of way that'll be better than… whatever this is. It doesn't make anything better.

I've tried receiving romantic affection from strangers, people I care a lot about and everything inbetween. Nothing makes a difference. Nothing nothing nothing nothing. Nothing.

It makes things so much worse and I feel disgusting. I feel gross and like I wanna rip off all of my skin and reverse everything and start over again. I've tried with all kinds of people. Strangers, people I thought I liked. The problem is me. I want to like things normal people do

 

[SpencerSees]

As a sex worker, it will genuinely just ruin you more if you base your worth on the approval of men. Men who prey on vulnerable people like this are filthy animals who only want one thing. They don't love you, they don't want to know what you had for breakfast or what you find the most interesting about a film. It's not your fault, you're not dirty and you're not wrong. You just tried what you thought might work. Take care of yourself, you deserve true and honest love and I pray that it will come to you.

 

[pinapellicer]

What i actually crave is to be desired as a friend. For someone to want to spend time with me and want me around in a platonical way.

 

[The Disqualified]

What i actually crave is to be desired as a friend. For someone to want to spend time with me and want me around in a platonical way.

True...
To be loved; to feel connected to another person in a deep way...
I don't want sex or love, nor am I opposed to those things; it is just that I want a candid and deep connection above all really. Someone I can be happy talking to and sharing my life with. Someone like me.
You mention a platonic relationship... there is something about the idea of "platonic love" that really sounds ethereal and pure to me. I would really like something like that.
I don't really want sex. I want someone I can share the sunset together

I really genuinely hate using the R slur but it's the only word I can use to describe myself. What a fucking idiot.

I went on a date with a guy today, it's really easy to think that (if you've never been romantically desired) it can 'save you'.

I've gone on plenty of dates in the last year and let men touch me and kiss me, hoping it'll make me feel some type of way that'll be better than… whatever this is. It doesn't make anything better.

I've tried receiving romantic affection from strangers, people I care a lot about and everything inbetween. Nothing makes a difference. Nothing nothing nothing nothing. Nothing.

It makes things so much worse and I feel disgusting. I feel gross and like I wanna rip off all of my skin and reverse everything and start over again. I've tried with all kinds of people. Strangers, people I thought I liked. The problem is me. I want to like things normal people do

I am really sorry you feel like that. You sound desperate and impulsive in a way from your posts to be honest; I empathize with that. I remember that post of yours (the gay club one) and I really felt sorry for you, truthfully. I can feel your pain from across the screen.
On a personal question if you may, are you a woman? Male? Trans? Cis? Heterosexual? Gay? I haven't quite gotten your sexuality from your posts and I think it is relevant if I am going to engage deeply with you on these kind of posts.

Yeah, I don't think going on a lot of dates or letting men touch you will fill the void inside of you. Whatever it may be. I can't see that. I also would feel gross as well if I were to do that. Do you really think love from these people, especially sexual love, will suddenly fix your life and make you feel better? Again, it really boils down to what kind of "problems" you have in your life, the kind that really seem fundamental and drag you down, if you can pinpoint them. Only you know that, really.
"The problem is me. I want to like things normal people do"
That one hits very close to home to me. "Normal people"... So you aren't normal? You don't share their interests? Anyway, just going for dates is something I cannot imagine myself doing, props to you for that.

Here if you wish to talk. Sending virtual, yet warm, hugs.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I tend to think- what feels 'normal' to each of us is highly individual. According to our upbringing, culture and experience. But- casual relationships likely won't suit everyone. So- I simply don't think there is a standard 'normal' for everyone.

I think it's more important to 'know thyself'. So- to figure out what you personally need and what things actually end up making you feel worse.

 

[burninghill]

True...
To be loved; to feel connected to another person in a deep way...
I don't want sex or love, nor am I opposed to those things; it is just that I want a candid and deep connection above all really. Someone I can be happy talking to and sharing my life with. Someone like me.
You mention a platonic relationship... there is something about the idea of "platonic love" that really sounds ethereal and pure to me. I would really like something like that.
I don't really want sex. I want someone I can share the sunset together

I am really sorry you feel like that. You sound desperate and impulsive in a way from your posts to be honest; I empathize with that. I remember that post of yours (the gay club one) and I really felt sorry for you, truthfully. I can feel your pain from across the screen.
On a personal question if you may, are you a woman? Male? Trans? Cis? Heterosexual? Gay? I haven't quite gotten your sexuality from your posts and I think it is relevant if I am going to engage deeply with you on these kind of posts.

Yeah, I don't think going on a lot of dates or letting men touch you will fill the void inside of you. Whatever it may be. I can't see that. I also would feel gross as well if I were to do that. Do you really think love from these people, especially sexual love, will suddenly fix your life and make you feel better? Again, it really boils down to what kind of "problems" you have in your life, the kind that really seem fundamental and drag you down, if you can pinpoint them. Only you know that, really.
"The problem is me. I want to like things normal people do"
That one hits very close to home to me. "Normal people"... So you aren't normal? You don't share their interests? Anyway, just going for dates is something I cannot imagine myself doing, props to you for that.

Here if you wish to talk. Sending virtual, yet warm, hugs.

I'm genderqueer, I don't really identify with a specific gender and I'm not attracted to a specific kind of person. I'm a bit of everything that's into a bit of everything haha. I'm usually perceived as a man.

I don't know if I REALLY think that this sort of attention will fix me. I used to when I was really young, maybe 14-16, but not anymore. I think part of me is still clinging onto it even though I consciously don't believe it'll help.
Also, I think suicidal virgins tend to put sexual activity on a very high pedestal in general.

And in terms of not feeling normal, I'm autistic and bipolar and honestly I feel like every time I make a mistake I tend to blame it on those things and feel really helpless. Not enjoying physical touch is definitely related to being autistic for me though and I really desperately want to enjoy it as much as other people, which is why it's been upsetting me.

 

[Riu]

What i actually crave is to be desired as a friend. For someone to want to spend time with me and want me around in a platonical way.

Platonic love is the best