Feeling constantly shutdown in life.

[Busridin'26]

Got silenced while I was singing in the bathroom. Takes me all I have to find my voice and use it in a "positive way" but... it's never ok unless it's moderated by others.


I am SO SICK. I've never moderated in the fucking bathroom tho. So that was new and I just lost whatever I was holding together. I'm pretty sure I cried louder than I was singing but ya know.

I am so fucking angry. It is no longer fair for me.

I wanna cut but I do not have the energy to get a blade. I don't have the mental energy for anything.

I don't have the energy to keep living my life within the lines someone else has created.

Just needed to keep my head together so I can move and .... or at least pay rent and kill myself.

Dunno. I don't enjoy anything and it feels like I can't. Like it always has to shrink in some way and I'm not into it.


It would've been better to just leave me the fuck alone bc now I just feel angry with no outlet as usual.

I'm supposed to keep my brain numbed out and feeling disconnected so u know I don't make any noise.

Constantly compromising how I am and it's never enough.

I'm pissed. Like now what? Continue my days in this silent non-existent place? I hate speaking to people here. Its COVID. So, most of the time I feel like my voice is lost. I find it in doses but not enough for me.

Feel nonexistent here.


I wish I was dead. I want the space to kill myself without having to wait to organize it

 

[Going Home]

I can relate to you. I am called an actress when I'm upset and told I don't care about my problems because I smile or laugh at something totally unrelated. People are evil.