feeling conflicted

[vanillacakeyyy]

i don't want to go, death still scares me despite being agonistic or atheist but i don't know how much longer i can endure living like this. i am in my early twenties but i still feel like there's something wrong with me, i cannot recall the last time i could go a week without crying feeling like i am a complete failure not only as a woman, but a person. i feel pathetic for still having dreams and passions knowing they may never come true. i am not a student and not employed after sending in hundreds of applications so i am unable to still be a functioning adult after all of these years. i feel so evil for not being able to feel happiness for others, it's like my heart became this gigantic void but my only online friends will still think im just a girl with self image issues. has anyone else able to escape from this way of living or at least learn how to cope with it? this is my first post here so i really apologize if this is awkward and too long

 

[Redacted24]

Hi, first of all, welcome to the community.

I'm sorry that you are in a place in life that you found us, but in the time I've been here I have only found kindness and empathy from the community members - and I'm always amazed at how many talented, interesting, and nice members there are.

The site may be a little confusing to navigate at first, don't hesitate to ask questions! Just be sure to review the site rules though.

I'm sure others will share their thoughts, but for me...I came here 2+ years ago looking for ways to exit. I didn't know then that the reason I felt so badly about myself, so alone and empty, was because of domestic violence.

I'm working through that still. But don't live with my abuser anymore. So, I'm trying to see if the hurt can be undone or at least managed.

This site... the people on this site... helped me realize that I'm not alone in these feelings. I felt heard here. And others' stories resonated with me. It's, really powerful to not feel isolated and alone.

So instead of ending it all in 2024, here I am still. Being encouraged by others that are trying to make it through.

I don't know if this is helpful, I'm sorry if not.
But there are others struggling.
And we can get strength and support from them, and from any professional help too.

See you around, and welcome again.
R

 

[vanillacakeyyy]

Hi, first of all, welcome to the community.

I'm sorry that you are in a place in life that you found us, but in the time I've been here I have only found kindness and empathy from the community members - and I'm always amazed at how many talented, interesting, and nice members there are.

The site may be a little confusing to navigate at first, don't hesitate to ask questions! Just be sure to review the site rules though.

I'm sure others will share their thoughts, but for me...I came here 2+ years ago looking for ways to exit. I didn't know then that the reason I felt so badly about myself, so alone and empty, was because of domestic violence.

I'm working through that still. But don't live with my abuser anymore. So, I'm trying to see if the hurt can be undone or at least managed.

This site... the people on this site... helped me realize that I'm not alone in these feelings. I felt heard here. And others' stories resonated with me. It's, really powerful to not feel isolated and alone.

So instead of ending it all in 2024, here I am still. Being encouraged by others that are trying to make it through.

I don't know if this is helpful, I'm sorry if not.
But there are others struggling.
And we can get strength and support from them, and from any professional help too.

See you around, and welcome again.
i recently tracked down this website from a memory of someone discussing it in a youtube video but it was deleted so i had to do slight digging. when i was in the same headspace being a teenager i truly thought it'd just be some emotional phase in my life and things would get better once you graduate high school, how wrong of me to assume. i'm so sorry you had to experience domestic abuse but i am so grateful you are in a better place now at least with others supporting you on here i am not sure if ill be able to feel okay towards myself and life but its very relieving seeing suicide and depression not being stigmatized in a space online. thank you so much for the warm welcome this meant a lot

 

[loneliness0]

Welcome!

I do believe you will find better place eventually. Sharing your struggles here is already great starting point, it proactive action in itself. We all need space where we feel seen how we feel inside.

Also allowing yourself to cry is good thing, when we try something moves insides us. Having dreams what seem far away seems something many people can resonate. What are things you dream about?

You taking action and still sending in applications is also proactive action of yours even when response is not what we would like. I am sure it devastating and overwhelming to keep doing it.

I'm working through that still. But don't live with my abuser anymore. So, I'm trying to see if the hurt can be undone or at least managed.

This site... the people on this site... helped me realize that I'm not alone in these feelings. I felt heard here. And others' stories resonated with me. It's, really powerful to not feel isolated and alone.

First i am happy you got away from situation you was hurt.
However I am not sure there such thing as undoing hurt.

What many people find meaning and purpose in however is using their lived experiance and integrated healing from hurt to help others in similar situations or to avoid similar situation.

 

[vanillacakeyyy]

Also allowing yourself to cry is good thing, when we try something moves insides us. Having dreams what seem far away seems something many people can resonate. What are things you dream about?

this was such a hard question to answer, but i have to say I just wish i could experience all the milestones in life such as getting a job or falling in love, having your first home, having reliable friends irl you can interact with and feeling like everythings going to be okay. i am told that I am too young to give up on myself and these thoughts will be temporary, i hope maybe they'll be right but i just can't help it. i wanted to work in a bakery or in a tailoring business when i was younger but it just never came due to being confused as to what i wanted to do after high school. I feel so underdeveloped to a point ill never become a functioning person no matter what i do and the isolation is only making my mental state worse

ive been so fixated on finding work so i can help my mother with bills and rent I don't like seeing her so stressed out over funds. it makes me feel like a gigantic burden and a waste of life to not know i can't even assist her in any manner