Story FBI conducted a welfare check on me due to online activity

[dragonofenvy]

EDIT: They found me through a suicide vlog I posted don't freak out.

They found out my ctb plans. The knew literally everything about it. The cops were fucking awesome though so FBI if you're reading this please give a commendation to the three officers.

If you're wondering why I'm not in a psych ward, I have a very no bullshit attitude and people can tell. The first thing I said when they walked in was something along the lines of "Alright. Let's go. Take me to the hospital. It's not going to make a difference and we both know it.. The bill they send me after is just going to be another reason for me to kill myself later."

It was the truth. And they knew it. They gave me resources to a crisis center that comes to visit you and talk and holy shit they've upgraded the crisis centers since I've last called them. Then again, this is a privatized one, so maybe that's why it's actually good unlike the State run ones. We had this big long conversation about what was going on and they eventually left. Hell one of them even said that I could call 'em up if I just need a regular guy to talk to.

If any of you follow me (weirdo), you'd know that I was deeply committed to ctb. Well, that commitment is still there, but instead of 120% it's 60%. I don't know call me a pro-lifer but that had to have been THE best experience with crises response I've ever had. The cops knew what they were doing. It was very clear they were extremely well trained. I'll be real with you guys from the stuff I've seen on the site you'd think having a welfare check is like having Satan show up at your door but it went very well.

I'm still freaking the fuck out though and that's why I need to write this because if I don't I'm actually going to lose my mind from how panicked I feel.

That being said, they asked if I was on any certain niche forums on the internet. My psychologist and psychiatrist had this exact suspicion. They didn't outright say what forum because if they were wrong I could have a reaction or would have a place to go so to speak. But idk. I'm so fucking paranoid right now and for good fucking reason what the fuck.

You can say that I'm schizo posting but you will not convince me that this site is not the "secret" that people think it is. I mean come on there are NYT articles about this site. However, beyond that I think that the wider field knows. If this many people have had suspicions about it that seriously can't be a coincidence. They have to know everything if they can find where I live within half a day of me upload my suicide vlog (which did NOT mention this forum I might add) there's no way they can't get even more information if they can figure that out that quickly.

 

[_Gollum_]

Damn glad you had a good experience, can't say mine went like this :\ What was it about your conversations that made you go from 120 to 60%?

 

[dragonofenvy]

Damn glad you had a good experience, can't say mine went like this :\ What was it about your conversations that made you go from 120 to 60%?

They, like me, weren't bullshitters. They knew from the moment they walked through the door that I wasn't a bullshitter either.
In regards to hospitals and the mental health system, the lead crisis response Sgt. said something to the tune of "those places, they just kick the can down the road. They don't do shit. I've seen it too many times."

I told them of my pre-meditations. How I've researched potassium nitrite and the chemistry behind it killing you. How death by helium gas works. How my plan was PSH with a redundancy of OD, or OD with hypothermia as a redundancy.
They knew that no amount of mental hospitals or anything like that would change my mind. They knew that the plan was for January and not right now.

Like I said, they knew a fuck ton about me in the just half day they took to find me. I think I confirmed what they knew. I talked to a mobile crisis operator over the phone and we setup for them to call me and come visit me to check in on how I'm doing. As I've said, crisis response has been dramatically improved since I've last experienced it. I will still be a die hard hater of 988 though fuck them. It's a local crisis response center near where I live so that's probably why they're good unlike the government ones that are fuckups which is par for the course with government projects.

One of the other people there was also just a guy. It felt like I was shooting the shit with a guy and not talking to a cop who responded to a call. The lady was also super nice and would smile at me but otherwise didn't say a whole lot but she was cool too. The lead guy seemed like he knew his shit. I'm impressed that he was more effective than actual therapists trained to do therapy. I can't think of a single negative to say about them.

I don't know if this is an anomaly or if this is normal where I live. Or maybe it's my attitude. Maybe responses fail not because of the people responding, but because of the person they're trying to help. Almost certainly both to an extent. Depends on each situation. I just happened to have a good one for once.

I was gonna cut myself out of the rage I was feeling but having someone to actually talk to that seemed genuine was nice. Guy even said
Sgt.: "If you think that I'm bullshitting you right now. Say it. And I'll walk out the door."
Me: "Is that a bluff?"
Sgt.: "It depends on whether or not you want it to be. I knew when I walked in this door that you were someone who could see through any bullshit anyone tries to say to you. So it's ultimately your choice."

I made a choice. And it was the right one. I trusted him.

 

[liquid jen]

Christ, I'm glad you at least had a good experience but this is genuinely my greatest fear. Super paranoid as is, last thing I need is definitive proof glowies are watching me.

 

[Oblivionetc]

Gosh, that's scary. How do you think they discovered you?

 

[dragonofenvy]

Gosh, that's scary. How do you think they discovered you?

I posted my suicide vlog to video host. In my stupidity and hubris I thought that there would be no consequences cause it was only accessible if you had a link to it. Yes yes, make fun of me i know the CS major somehow thought they wouldn't find it (no wonder I didn't get a degree). I told the cops at the end that next time I'd run it through Tor on burner information and strip the metadata. I'm not joking I actually said that and the guy chuckled at it. Anyways, that video ended up being routed to the FBI who found me and sent the police for me. This all happened in less than half a day.

Btw, the Sgt. believed in Simulation Theory. The whole experience was nuts and honestly, I think I'm derealizing a lot right now because none of what's going on feels real.

 

[MonkeyButter]

Yeah nah dude Idk how you are able to be happy about what happened. Pretty sure your rights were violated since posting about killing yourself isn't a crime. I'm actually blown away by the government overreach here. It's not the FBI's job to protect the people from themselves. Bro... If they literally just showed up out of the blue without anyone calling them then we all have some serious problems. The surveillance state is officially activated. Not only are we dealing with the Flock shit now they are watching everything we post at all times.

If you can be happy about having the rule of law thrown out then you can be happy about anything. I suspect you will make a full recovery because NOTHING can disturb you apparently.

This enough internet for me. Thanks for this its been thoroughly traumatizing. I didn't think I'd ever need a trigger warning but it would have been nice here.

Fuck. Me. Dead.

 

[(UN)COMMON SENSE]

Wishing the best for you!

 

[MonkeyButter]

I posted my suicide vlog to video host.

YOU SHOULD HAVE LEAD WITH THAT! I was freaking out that the FBI is watching all of us all the time and just showing up with no regard for rule of law. Jesus man don't scare us like that!!!!

 

[dragonofenvy]

Pretty sure your rights were violated

Which ones? There's no right against the police paying a visit to talk to you. No law preventing them. Believe me, I've worked with law enforcement before. I know a lot of their little loopholes and also know enough to know that there's no rights being violated unless you're an absolutist and think that the police can't do anything without a warrant.

They can find anything they want to about you online. It's baked into our laws. There no rights being violated if there were no rights to begin with. I don't want the government to overreach either. But they can. And will. No amount of saying "but my rights!" will stop them. There are no rights. All of them can be taken from us on a whim and everyone will neatly tuck their tails between their legs and obey.

If they have that power, you are never free. It's been like this for the past 50 years. It's nothing new.

YOU SHOULD HAVE LEAD WITH THAT! I was freaking out that the FBI is watching all of us all the time and just showing up with no regard for rule of law. Jesus man don't scare us like that!!!!

FUCK I THOUGHT I PUT IT IN THERE SHIT.
They still were asking about online forums specifically though which is real weird when it's the 4th time i've been asked about it from people in the MH field. You won't convince me that people in the field aren't aware of the existence of this place. Given the amount of attention it's gotten, like, come on. I've seen this site in academic psychology journals as recent as this year. They know.

 

[MonkeyButter]

It should be no crime then no cops. If cops and no crime then its bad.

 

[dragonofenvy]

I suspect you will make a full recovery because NOTHING can disturb you apparently.

I was in my element. When I'm in my element and facing an actual crisis I am calm. I should've become a paramedic now that I think about it. Outside of that though I'm a complete pussy and you'd never think otherwise.

It should be no crime then no cops. If cops and no crime then its bad.

The reason they send cops is because if they sent social workers they'd be killed. I know that it's a small minority of mentally ill people who are violent, but most violent people are mentally ill. It's only statistics. I never felt threatened by them at all. But that's the last thing I'll say on it because I don't want to derail this thread into a debate. We can have it in DMs if you want.

 

[MonkeyButter]

I'm all set. Glad you are feeling a bit better.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I'm happy you are ok.
I know L.E. knows about SS. It's been reported by many news outlets. NYT, BBC, PBS.... Others I'm sure.
Even the M.A.S.S. (Mothers Against Sanctioned Suicide) Not a real thing.... I couldn't think of the other one or more.
Fix the 26 was one of them... I don't know if they are still around.

 

[fadedghost]

Holy fucking shit!!! The FBI?????


On a completely unrelated note, I love life and enjoy living and am accidentally on this forum after reading a BBC article.

 

[Hystearical]

I am so sorry this happened to you but I'm glad you had a positive experience all things considered, as far as that goes.

I don't know if that is an anomaly or not. I do know you absolutely cannot take for granted that you won't have a harmful experience when forced to deal with the arm of the System, which represents a real problem.

Truly skilled crisis responders recognize what tack to take with people in charged states. They have to know how to adapt and modulate their approach.

But there are things that are universally applicable. People don't respond well to invalidation no matter how convinced you are that you are right. In these situations people respond better when they sense genuine caring, when proper appreciation given to the fact that they are being subjected to coercion and proper effort is made to minimize the inherent trauma of that, when their humanity is respected rather being just treated as a deviant, and when the distress they are experiencing is taken seriously for what it it is rather than just being treated as formulaic procedure of the System. In short they and their pain are centered at the experience rather than emphasizing liability and procedure.

How often do you think those things are practiced, let alone achieved?

I had bad experiences. I don't even want to get into it. I will say that if I had been POC. Later size (or probably both) in one situation I would have likely been shot (not on my own initiative, mind you.)

It's just annoying when "help" (which shares the sane coin with "harm", just on the opposite side) is forced on you but it proves to be harmful the people responsible for that imposition refuse to take any ownership of that which I feel they are obligated to.

It is unfortunate the police have to respond to MH calls but like you said they have to set the lowest common denominator, which is externally directed violent and highly volatile. It just really sucks for the many mentally ill people who don't warrant police presence.

And yes this site is no longer a hidden refuge, if it ever was and as much as I wish it were, free from media attention, clinical scrutiny and analysis, and hostile interlopers. I know links were made early on with the first deaths of the SS membership but the existence of suicide forums and awareness thereof is nothing novel. Still, objections to this place don't mean much if you don't actually understand why draws people to it rather than just "reaching out".