LilGhost
Shark
- Apr 8, 2026
- 152
Tomorrow college starts again…. I am so fucking scared
I stopped communicating with my friends during this summer cause I was going insane, I think we are not friends anymore? Considering they didn't try to contact me or answer to my messages: they dont think of me as a friend. Now they'll be in class. I'll have to meet them. Probably pretend like they are strangers. That's… painful. I know it's not a big deal, life is (kinda) long and I should be able easily find new friends…. They weren't just friends tho, but people I deeply cherished. I want to just die instead of facing it. I feel embarrassed. Like a fraud cause I blow the relationship thinking I won't survive the summer. They knew I wanted to die this summer. And now I'll have to act like nothing happened. Like we never cared for each other. I feel deep deep pain
I shouldn't feel so much pain cause of some people who weren't in my life for so long. But I do. Just the thought of how piece of shit I am for ruining everything wants me to give up. I fear I'll throw up or cry (I know how childish it sounds… and it is. I might be overreacting. I probably will just start shaking uncontrollably. It's just…. They weren't just my friends. They were my family)
I fucking hate myself. Why do I have to ruin everything? I fear I'll never be able to find my people. I keep ruining and ruining and ruining relationships. I keep oversharing, I keep overreacting, I keep acting like a fool. Like a weirdo. Missing social cues. Not being good enough. Not being what others need or expect. Feeling to bored by first meetings, being to boring in first meetings. I am a fucking looser. I hate me. Deeply. I can't think of one thing I like in myself right now.
I know I need to change. I know that feeling bad about myself doesn't make my bad actions suddenly okay. I need to be better. I just can't. I am so exhausted. I don't deserve surrounding myself with people, who at first might be drawn to me, but quickly expose my act and see the hollow ugly shell of mine. I am trying to build something big. I know I do have big chunk of my life up coming. I am just to tired and disgusted by my own existence.
I am trying to become better. I am trying not to commit ctb. But I want to. I am scared at what if a god exists. I am scared at what if I fail. I am scared that the life isn't so bad and I am just an insane human who has no right to die before seeing the bright side. That after death is so much worse than being alive.
I have to force myself to breathe. It's so pathetic to be so undone by having to be in a same room with people you still care for that probably moved on, but having no closure. I'd feel so much better if they'd just say "don't contact me again" or "apology not accepted" because my delusional ass keep considering them friend
tomorrow I'll probably order N2O chargers to prepare for ctb . Would be funny if they'll arrive 10th September for ctb prevention day. I need to face consequences of my actions tho. Take responsibility. I wish I could give them my money I have left as a small way to show I am sincere before leaving, but they didn't accept it when we still were in contact, so I could bet they won't do it now either.
So miserable…. But hey. I didn't run away yet or decided to not show up in class/change class for a worst one (tbf I doubt I can… I think tmrw lecture has only one prof and time available). I just have to dissociate hard enough to not break down
I stopped communicating with my friends during this summer cause I was going insane, I think we are not friends anymore? Considering they didn't try to contact me or answer to my messages: they dont think of me as a friend. Now they'll be in class. I'll have to meet them. Probably pretend like they are strangers. That's… painful. I know it's not a big deal, life is (kinda) long and I should be able easily find new friends…. They weren't just friends tho, but people I deeply cherished. I want to just die instead of facing it. I feel embarrassed. Like a fraud cause I blow the relationship thinking I won't survive the summer. They knew I wanted to die this summer. And now I'll have to act like nothing happened. Like we never cared for each other. I feel deep deep pain
I shouldn't feel so much pain cause of some people who weren't in my life for so long. But I do. Just the thought of how piece of shit I am for ruining everything wants me to give up. I fear I'll throw up or cry (I know how childish it sounds… and it is. I might be overreacting. I probably will just start shaking uncontrollably. It's just…. They weren't just my friends. They were my family)
I fucking hate myself. Why do I have to ruin everything? I fear I'll never be able to find my people. I keep ruining and ruining and ruining relationships. I keep oversharing, I keep overreacting, I keep acting like a fool. Like a weirdo. Missing social cues. Not being good enough. Not being what others need or expect. Feeling to bored by first meetings, being to boring in first meetings. I am a fucking looser. I hate me. Deeply. I can't think of one thing I like in myself right now.
I know I need to change. I know that feeling bad about myself doesn't make my bad actions suddenly okay. I need to be better. I just can't. I am so exhausted. I don't deserve surrounding myself with people, who at first might be drawn to me, but quickly expose my act and see the hollow ugly shell of mine. I am trying to build something big. I know I do have big chunk of my life up coming. I am just to tired and disgusted by my own existence.
I am trying to become better. I am trying not to commit ctb. But I want to. I am scared at what if a god exists. I am scared at what if I fail. I am scared that the life isn't so bad and I am just an insane human who has no right to die before seeing the bright side. That after death is so much worse than being alive.
I have to force myself to breathe. It's so pathetic to be so undone by having to be in a same room with people you still care for that probably moved on, but having no closure. I'd feel so much better if they'd just say "don't contact me again" or "apology not accepted" because my delusional ass keep considering them friend
tomorrow I'll probably order N2O chargers to prepare for ctb . Would be funny if they'll arrive 10th September for ctb prevention day. I need to face consequences of my actions tho. Take responsibility. I wish I could give them my money I have left as a small way to show I am sincere before leaving, but they didn't accept it when we still were in contact, so I could bet they won't do it now either.
So miserable…. But hey. I didn't run away yet or decided to not show up in class/change class for a worst one (tbf I doubt I can… I think tmrw lecture has only one prof and time available). I just have to dissociate hard enough to not break down
. Like, I did say some mean shit when I was cutting them off, if I knew I won't die I'd definitely talk about issues calmly, instead of leaving the gc and having conversation by text. Tho I was doing it as "as a final act of love I'll make you hate me so you won't miss me when I'm gone" and then explained myself it doesn't excuse my dickness. They don't owe me to put up with my bs, especially considering they didn't consider me as close as I consider them, I believe. Surely when all a person needs is a friend and you abound them, you are doing a shitty move, I agree here, it's just, unfortunately our life is not all black in white and despite us having cartoonishly evil figures in real world, that absurdist writers should take notes from, most people aren't inherently evil and we need to remember that, so I can't be mad at them or call them bad or real dicks.
