Discussion Extreme trouble with boundaries and not feeling like I'm insane

[Exedra]

So my husband's friend, let's call her Julia, is going through a rough time at home and really wants to leave her situation. My story is similar, and I feel horrible that she has to go through that. We live in the same state, about 20-30 minutes away from each other, but they met online and don't really meet up together. My husband was planning on offering her to stay with us at our tiny apartment, but asked me about it first which I appreciate. I told him that I'm more than fine with us paying for a temporary hotel and helping her find a place to live, but not here. He said that's fair and told me he sent her the details of the apartment complex we live at, together with the rent we pay etc. Am I wrong for being uncomfortable with that? In my head it's just kind of like he invited her to live in the same neighborhood with us and I've always preferred keeping friends at least a little bit of distance away, no matter the gender and also with my own friends. I've never met her and I'd never be comfortable with us all hanging out frequently or even just him hanging out with her frequently. It's not necessarily jealousy, I guess it's just kind of against my morals? My husband and I already barely have time to spend together as is. I can also already imagine being in a fight with my husband and he goes "I'm gonna go over to Julia for a bit" or something and I'm already going through enough. Am I absolutely insane for feeling this way? I feel like any boundary I have is always "unreasonable" or "ridiculous" so I genuinely don't fucking know anymore. I'm totally fine with going to hang out every now and then, but having her or any other friend THAT close, like 2 minutes away at most, makes me feel like it'd be way too frequent and makes me uncomfortable. I can't have a conversation about this with my husband either, which is why I came here instead.

TLDR; Husband has an online friend that he wanted to invite over to live with us because of her situation, I said no that'd make me uncomfortable but we can help in other ways and he sent her the address and phone number of the apartment complex we live in, which makes me uncomfortable for a whole slew of reasons. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I just insane? I genuinely don't know anymore

 

[SighCry]

Hey! I have a few questions: how did they meet online? I know you said they don't meet up often, have they ever met in person? Why did he share the exact address? How likely is it that she will move into the area? What's the rough time she is having? (if it's DV or similar there are resources available). I would definitely feel uncomfortable with that and really, really would not want a stranger staying at my apartment indefinitely. IDK though, in my r/ship we have an unspoken rule that we don't make new friends with the opposite sex - fine if they were friends before the r/ship started though

 

[Pale_Rider]

As a man who has been married I think he has overstepped boundaries already. The emotional comfort of your wife always comes first. If she's uncomfortable you've gone to far. But moving another woman into the house would likely have many others agreeing this isn't typical behaviors, and is more then potentially harmful.

 

[SASU-KE]

TLDR; Husband has an online friend that he wanted to invite over to live with us because of her situation, I said no that'd make me uncomfortable but we can help in other ways and he sent her the address and phone number of the apartment complex we live in, which makes me uncomfortable for a whole slew of reasons. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I just insane? I genuinely don't know anymore

Extremely well done in my opinion. No, you're not insane. You haven't even done anything wrong. In fact, you've done something very right.

Nothing good can come out of inviting some other woman into your home along with your husband, trust me. There are so many things that can go wrong. You made the right choice.

It was also inappropriate for him to even suggest that in the first place for an online friend.If they were childhood friends or something, that would be different.

 

[Exedra]

Hey! I have a few questions: how did they meet online? I know you said they don't meet up often, have they ever met in person? Why did he share the exact address? How likely is it that she will move into the area? What's the rough time she is having? (if it's DV or similar there are resources available). I would definitely feel uncomfortable with that and really, really would not want a stranger staying at my apartment indefinitely. IDK though, in my r/ship we have an unspoken rule that we don't make new friends with the opposite sex - fine if they were friends before the r/ship started though

So they met through a shared Twitter community! I'm not entirely sure how long they've been friends but it's been for longer than I've known him so I'm fine with it. They've met in person twice I think? Not entirely sure. He shared the exact address because the complex we live in is fairly cheap and since we already live here we might be able to get her a place here quicker. I don't know her very well so I'm not sure if she'd want to move here. From my understanding she's having a really rough time with her parents screaming and yelling at her and all that, I didn't really wanna pry further cause that's between my husband and her. She's been wanting to move for a long time but kinda snapped I guess so she's actually trying to get it done now. I did also send her a message (we've exchanged messaged a few times) telling her that we'd be happy to help her out, but not at this apartment or complex. I haven't heard back from her yet so we'll see how that goes. I feel like how she'll reply will also say a lot? My husband loves making new friends and I feel like he definitely gravitates more towards friendships with women, probably cause they're more understanding and caring and all that

As a man who has been married I think he has overstepped boundaries already. The emotional comfort of your wife always comes first. If she's uncomfortable you've gone to far. But moving another woman into the house would likely have many others agreeing this isn't typical behaviors, and is more then potentially harmful.

So question, how would you feel about the same thing but not in our apartment but just in the same complex? Thank you so much for your comment by the way, it gives me some hope for the future in a way. Also thank you for caring about your wife in a way that makes her feel safe and comfortable

Extremely well done in my opinion. No, you're not insane. You haven't even done anything wrong. In fact, you've done something very right.

Nothing good can come out of inviting some other woman into your home along with your husband, trust me. There are so many things that can go wrong. You made the right choice.

It was also inappropriate for him to even suggest that in the first place for an online friend.If they were childhood friends or something, that would be different.

I'm so glad to have found people that feel the same way, thank you so much for replying to my post. It really helps a lot and I don't feel as alone anymore