Exhausted Rant

[Malletboy]

I haven't been active on this forum for about a year and a half. I was on the brink of suicide in late 2019 and the only thing that stopped me then was my meto getting seized in the mail.

After that I tried to find a new way to get meto but I started seeing this girl and the pandemic happened so I was able to get state health insurance and see my old therapist and psychiatrist again. I got on some anti depressants and life improved (started college again after dropping out for a year, released some original music, started a new relationship, got a new job).

Fast forward to this week and my girl just broke up with me. It shouldn't be as big of a deal as it feels but it truly feels like absolute shit. And now I'm back to suicidal ideation again. I found a new way to get meto and (hopefully) it'll be on it's way soon.

I shouldn't be complaining because my career is beginning to form, I'm doing well at my part time job, I'm finally about to graduate college. But I'm just so tired of this all. I'm so tired of working super hard just to barely get a taste of true normalcy and happiness and all of it gets ripped away in an instant. I'm tired of living with suicidal thoughts. I'm done with walking around with the weight of my mom's passing (from 11 years ago) still holding me down. Me and my gf breaking up just feels like I was snapped back to true reality- the reality that life really does fucking suck.

idk why I made this post. I just really needed to get these thoughts somewhere to the void. I can't tell anyone else how suicidal I am. At least I can come here and feel a bit more seen

 

[Mistake of Nature]

I'm sorry that things have gotten so bad for you again. I could see that you put a lot of effort into improving, and to end up in this situation again is awful.

I'm so tired of working super hard just to barely get a taste of true normalcy and happiness and all of it gets ripped away in an instant.

This is why life is so cruel. Even if you are lucky enough to attain any amount of joy or happiness, it is only temporary and you have the live with the risk of losing everything you have at any given moment.