Excuse my language but F… anorexia.

[Mrs. T-800]

I want to die. I hate myself. No number is ever good enough. No I cannot just not weight myself or not count calories. I want to slough and cut every ounce of fat off. I hate every bit of my skin. I am well aware I look sickly and I even agree that I'd look better with weight on. But I can't. I just can't. It's not even about vanity or control, it's just compulsion. Every time I eat all I can do is add numbers and factor then in a white hot desire to stick my fingers down my throat. Every glance in the mirror tells me to off myself. I can't fit into womanly clothing anymore; my waist is a doll's, but I don't wear anything well. Always my knees knock, my elbows hurt and dig, my bottom is numb; but if these things don't happen, I panic. I don't drink water because it'll be weight added even if no calories. I'll sometimes rather eat the more caloric option than the one that is less so but weighs more because I weigh myself like ten times daily and seeing a pound, even of no calories, makes me want to neck myself. I hate this body. I hate this body. I hate this body. I don't care how skinny or beautiful I am. I don't care that I modeled. I don't. All I can think of is that I will never reach a goal and it can always move. I hate myself. Goodness. I hate myself. I don't want to eat. I don't want to live.

 

[SASU-KE]

I see body dysmorphia all the time at the gym. I see people never satisfied with how they look even after getting to a monstrous physique with the help of PEDs. The brain just can't register a stopping point so nothing is never enough.

Another thing I learned recently about anorexia is how damaging it is to the teeth since you're bringing stomach acid all the way out. Apparently the enamel of the teeth just gets worn off completely. It's quite serious and it's just one detrimental effect of many.

Many people don't realize how brutal it is. It is essentially VSED,one of the most painful horrible ways to go isn't it? If you're not able to combat it by yourself have you considered therapy?

 

[Mrs. T-800]

I see body dysmorphia all the time at the gym. I see people never satisfied with how they look even after getting to a monstrous physique with the help of PEDs. The brain just can't register a stopping point so nothing is never enough.

Another thing I learned recently about anorexia is how damaging it is to the teeth since you're bringing stomach acid all the way out. Apparently the enamel of the teeth just gets worn off completely. It's quite serious and it's just one detrimental effect of many.

Many people don't realize how brutal it is. It is essentially VSED,one of the most painful horrible ways to go isn't it? If you're not able to combat it by yourself have you considered therapy?

Hi my love. You're always so kind and sweet to me thank you.

I don't purge fortunately but enamel loss is a painful tragic reality for those that do. It's quite serious. But I am not immune to losing grey brain matter, bone density and strength, muscles, insulating fat… my skin is not very good either now…

It's not quite voluntary. I didn't want this. But once you have it it's so hard to stop. Now it's all I want. I want to be healthy and look pretty and well though too. But I don't. It's impossible. I will never be happy. The only way out is through but it seems like getting blood from a stone. Even with therapy. I'm too proud of being tiny. But it's awful.

 

[Message In A Bottle]

That control is so addictive… I've been recovered for 10+ years now and I still get those urges to relapse. The poster above is right, you do see body dysmorphia in all forms. I am one of those people who workout and workout but I still am never fully satisfied. But it does make me eat atleast…

It's hard isn't it? You know it's damaging, for your teeth, hair, bones…it practically effects your whole body - you have all these reasons to stop what you're doing, to know that it's bad for you, yet you can't commit to going back to the way you were. You feel you're "too far gone" to recover, and the road ahead is such an agonizing one that you don't think you'll make it to see the end of it. Because it isn't just eating more and you suddenly gain weight, your body has to adapt all over again. And you have to be monitored while doing so as complications of refeeding syndrome can very much kill you as well.

But I'm here to post this post so it must not be a means to an end. I still wonder why I'm here sometimes, but your post resonated with me and I can atleast give a fellow Ana sufferer digital consoling hugs *hugs*

 

[thelostautistic]

Anorexia is such a relentless illness. I've been in recovery for nearly 4 years and it's still so hard. I'm sorry you're struggling too.

 

[Z0002]

My bf died 3 and a half years ago from anorexia so yeah fuck that shit

 

[Mrs. T-800]

My bf died 3 and a half years ago from anorexia so yeah fuck that shit

I am so heartily sorry for your loss. Thank you for being here with me. I'll be praying for his soul's peace and your strength.