cylus46
Student
- Jan 28, 2025
- 107
Im a firefighter and I went to a installation dinner for my department. I Got dressed up nicely, put my long wild hair in a ponytail, put my cologne on, my shirt was a bit tighter then last year because I put on over 20lbs of muscle but hey It still looked good and just showed off my figure more.
I drove down there and when I got there everyone was already there and so was their girlfriends/wives, they kissed, held each other hand, danced to the music, ate together. Meanwhile I sat alone- well not really i sat with my friends but their girlfriends were there and I felt...alone...out of place. I looked so nice and I felt really good about myself but I had no one to tell me, no one to adore me or love me.
And listen I'm a guy who's secure with himself. I worked hard for my body and I grew out my hair and spent a lot of time perfecting it. I don't NEED people to validate me or compliment me and I always been that way. But after years of being that way although I don't need a woman's validation to feel handsome or nice, I want it. I use to have it but that relationship tanked and I missed it ever since. There's just something so fucking magical about your partner telling you how pretty you are then your friends telling you how good you look today.
I left a little early I didn't stay long into the party, I couldn't. Seeing everyone I knew find love and prosper and be happy? It makes me so fucking proud of them but a part of me i don't like is bitter. It tells me "why not us?" "Why are we the way we are?" "Whats the point you're just gonna be left behind" their my friends and I'm happy for them, hell i help them with their relationship problems constantly, im just the guy everyone goes to for advice. But while I'm so happy for them at this dinner I'm more unhappy for myself.
If you seen my other post you know how mentally fucked I am and how FUCKING depressed,angry, and psychotic I am. I could never be a good partner to someone and the worst part is? I had opportunities yet I know how bad I would fuck it all up and I can't do that to someone I love.
I just want that spark yet I put it out before it even ignites. I cant wait to end it already so I never have to feel that loneliness at the dinner again. I'm unlovable because I gave up loving myself.
(I'm to tired to check for Grammer or spelling mistakes I'm sorry :3 )
I drove down there and when I got there everyone was already there and so was their girlfriends/wives, they kissed, held each other hand, danced to the music, ate together. Meanwhile I sat alone- well not really i sat with my friends but their girlfriends were there and I felt...alone...out of place. I looked so nice and I felt really good about myself but I had no one to tell me, no one to adore me or love me.
And listen I'm a guy who's secure with himself. I worked hard for my body and I grew out my hair and spent a lot of time perfecting it. I don't NEED people to validate me or compliment me and I always been that way. But after years of being that way although I don't need a woman's validation to feel handsome or nice, I want it. I use to have it but that relationship tanked and I missed it ever since. There's just something so fucking magical about your partner telling you how pretty you are then your friends telling you how good you look today.
I left a little early I didn't stay long into the party, I couldn't. Seeing everyone I knew find love and prosper and be happy? It makes me so fucking proud of them but a part of me i don't like is bitter. It tells me "why not us?" "Why are we the way we are?" "Whats the point you're just gonna be left behind" their my friends and I'm happy for them, hell i help them with their relationship problems constantly, im just the guy everyone goes to for advice. But while I'm so happy for them at this dinner I'm more unhappy for myself.
If you seen my other post you know how mentally fucked I am and how FUCKING depressed,angry, and psychotic I am. I could never be a good partner to someone and the worst part is? I had opportunities yet I know how bad I would fuck it all up and I can't do that to someone I love.
I just want that spark yet I put it out before it even ignites. I cant wait to end it already so I never have to feel that loneliness at the dinner again. I'm unlovable because I gave up loving myself.
(I'm to tired to check for Grammer or spelling mistakes I'm sorry :3 )
