I have been speaking with a psychiatrist in an attempt to see if medication will help me at all. However, I've made up my mind, and have had my date set for the third day after my 21st birthday for a few months now, after multiple failed attempts with partial and full (no strong ligatures / not living alone).
With that all said, even though I'm making my final efforts to stay around (this comes after years of suicidal thoughts and behaviors and a lifetime of events that cannot be reversed or mitigated), I am all but set on pulling the trigger as soon as my gun is ready to be picked up.
Since I am speaking to a psychiatrist, and as my mental health has deteriorated, it's becoming less possible to hide that I am set on ending my life. The worst scenario would be if my psychiatrist documents self-harming or suicidal behavior or ideation, since those probably would prevent me from getting a gun. I just don't know what I should say; the first time he asked, I sat there, awkwardly but guiltily mute. I don't want to stop going to the psychiatrist entirely, but questions like that is what can make the difference between a verifiably quick way to go out when I decide that I need to flip the off switch, versus overstaying my welcome here.
Private, endangering no one else. It's better than the cop vs suicidal citizen scenario I've been imagining in my head all year, or the human vs speeding car/train scenario too, that I have already tried and only got a coma out of.
With that all said, even though I'm making my final efforts to stay around (this comes after years of suicidal thoughts and behaviors and a lifetime of events that cannot be reversed or mitigated), I am all but set on pulling the trigger as soon as my gun is ready to be picked up.
Since I am speaking to a psychiatrist, and as my mental health has deteriorated, it's becoming less possible to hide that I am set on ending my life. The worst scenario would be if my psychiatrist documents self-harming or suicidal behavior or ideation, since those probably would prevent me from getting a gun. I just don't know what I should say; the first time he asked, I sat there, awkwardly but guiltily mute. I don't want to stop going to the psychiatrist entirely, but questions like that is what can make the difference between a verifiably quick way to go out when I decide that I need to flip the off switch, versus overstaying my welcome here.
Private, endangering no one else. It's better than the cop vs suicidal citizen scenario I've been imagining in my head all year, or the human vs speeding car/train scenario too, that I have already tried and only got a coma out of.
