bennay
Lost traveler
- Sep 2, 2021
- 111
For a bit I was ok physically, my body didn't hurt so much. That didn't last long at all and now it's back constant aches and pains, the headaches, chest pains.
Mentally i was and am still wanting to leave.
Emotionally, for those of you who do know what fuckery life has handed me, you'll understand that my heart feels shredded every single second of the day.
I just want out, I don't know what's after this if anything but I know I don't want to feel this anymore. I'm struggling so heavily and I'm so tired of doing this day in and day out. My heart feels physically damaged all the time, I feel And hope like at any moment I could just have a heart attack and die.
I have nowhere I can go to provide myself peace and comfort. My home, my comfort, my peace was not materialistic like an actual house. It was a person, my person. I can't imagine trying to trudge through 50-60+ years without her and I whole heartedly don't want to. Sometimes, when my mind gets going I get so angry that I'm still here that these ideas of crashing my vehicle into a wall, letting a semi or train hit me at high speeds(don't worry I wouldn't actually traumatize someone else like that).
Im battling myself everyday, really trying to figure it all out but no matter how I look at it, I'm always going to be settling for second place, no matter what I accomplish or could accomplish in this life, it'll never be as rewarding or sweet and I'm supposed to just find a way to come to terms and be okay with that? I think sometimes there really is no going back just like sometimes things break that can not be fixed or replaced.
Im just tired of the torment and I'm tired of being misunderstood.
Mentally i was and am still wanting to leave.
Emotionally, for those of you who do know what fuckery life has handed me, you'll understand that my heart feels shredded every single second of the day.
I just want out, I don't know what's after this if anything but I know I don't want to feel this anymore. I'm struggling so heavily and I'm so tired of doing this day in and day out. My heart feels physically damaged all the time, I feel And hope like at any moment I could just have a heart attack and die.
I have nowhere I can go to provide myself peace and comfort. My home, my comfort, my peace was not materialistic like an actual house. It was a person, my person. I can't imagine trying to trudge through 50-60+ years without her and I whole heartedly don't want to. Sometimes, when my mind gets going I get so angry that I'm still here that these ideas of crashing my vehicle into a wall, letting a semi or train hit me at high speeds(don't worry I wouldn't actually traumatize someone else like that).
Im battling myself everyday, really trying to figure it all out but no matter how I look at it, I'm always going to be settling for second place, no matter what I accomplish or could accomplish in this life, it'll never be as rewarding or sweet and I'm supposed to just find a way to come to terms and be okay with that? I think sometimes there really is no going back just like sometimes things break that can not be fixed or replaced.
Im just tired of the torment and I'm tired of being misunderstood.
