So I tried to kill myself tonight. I had a glass of sodium nitrite in front of me and couldn't bring myself to drink it. More than that. My survival instinct, grasping at straws at this point kept me from swallowing it.
Invasive thoughts of suicide have been a part of my personal head space for as long as I can remember. I've wanted to die since I was 9, that was the first time I tried to kill myself. I don't know if my life is particularly good or bad. I don't really know how to gauge that. I just don't want to be alive. Passively in the back of my mind I'm always ready to be done but there are so many things stopping me from dying and I want them to stop stopping me.
The only thing stopping me is myself and I don't know how to tell myself to fuck off.
Invasive thoughts of suicide have been a part of my personal head space for as long as I can remember. I've wanted to die since I was 9, that was the first time I tried to kill myself. I don't know if my life is particularly good or bad. I don't really know how to gauge that. I just don't want to be alive. Passively in the back of my mind I'm always ready to be done but there are so many things stopping me from dying and I want them to stop stopping me.
The only thing stopping me is myself and I don't know how to tell myself to fuck off.
