Venting Don't want to die, but feel like it's the only choice I have.

[Sadlifesuckedsobad]

Ordered my SN today.

It isn't life that I hate. It's the things we are forced to do to be able to live. My health is failing, and I just don't know how I'll pay the bills anymore when I can't even stand up for more than 20 minutes at a time.

I also have a large amount of guilt. I have 3 kids and am about to leave them without a parent. I wouldn't even be considering it if I thought I could give them the life they deserve. I tried to, but the more time that goes on, the more likely I see that it is I will lose the home I bought for them to grow up in, because I feel worse and worse physically the more time that goes on. I spend 18 hours a day lying in bed, and the few hours I am up, my body feels like it has been beaten all over, like I just got jumped by a group of people. Unbearable pain.

Being unable to work means unable to pay bills, which means I'm a failure and don't deserve to continue. If I could convince someone to pay my house off, I'd live with the pain. I don't want to die, and I don't want to leave my kids parent-less. But obviously no one is going to pay my house off, and my health isn't going to magically get better either so that I can work.

When my SN comes, I will let you all know. Hopefully this is my last week of loneliness, isolation, physical pain, worrying about neverending bills. The only regret I'll have is leaving my kids.

 

[jimmy7754]

What's your condition? This is terrible I'm sorry.

 

[nohopeleft69]

Can you get disability?

 

[Squiddy]

Can you get disability?

Disability only pays so much. When I was getting it, I only got about $500 a month which isn't shit

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Ordered my SN today.

It isn't life that I hate. It's the things we are forced to do to be able to live. My health is failing, and I just don't know how I'll pay the bills anymore when I can't even stand up for more than 20 minutes at a time.

I also have a large amount of guilt. I have 3 kids and am about to leave them without a parent. I wouldn't even be considering it if I thought I could give them the life they deserve. I tried to, but the more time that goes on, the more likely I see that it is I will lose the home I bought for them to grow up in, because I feel worse and worse physically the more time that goes on. I spend 18 hours a day lying in bed, and the few hours I am up, my body feels like it has been beaten all over, like I just got jumped by a group of people. Unbearable pain.

Being unable to work means unable to pay bills, which means I'm a failure and don't deserve to continue. If I could convince someone to pay my house off, I'd live with the pain. I don't want to die, and I don't want to leave my kids parent-less. But obviously no one is going to pay my house off, and my health isn't going to magically get better either so that I can work.

When my SN comes, I will let you all know. Hopefully this is my last week of loneliness, isolation, physical pain, worrying about neverending bills. The only regret I'll have is leaving my kids.

I understand and sympathize with how you feel. It must be so devastating to not be able to do what you desire to do. I, personally, don't feel you to be a failure. Your body let you down. You didn't let you down.

 

[FallingGrace]

I would highly recommend you speak to a benefits consultant to make sure you're receiving all the support you can before doing anything drastic. You never know, you may be entitled to more money than you realise, especially since you are disabled with 3 dependents. Wishing you all the best.

 

[downndone2]

I am sorry you're going thru all of this.

I 2nd above comment on reaching out to ensure you arent entitled to much more disability and other benefits.

How old are your kids? Who will care for them if you arent here?

Please dont do anything on impulse

Any family that can help you?

 

[Darkover]

i never understood why people conceive in this hellhole, i mean you just bring them alive to kill them off anyway seems pointless to me you just propagate the misery by bring another person into this crule world

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so awful what you are going through, this life really is so unfair. To me it is horrifying that so many health conditions even exist and our bodies are capable of torturing us. I hope you find relief from suffering in whatever happens.