LonelyIsTheMuse
New Member
- Jun 26, 2026
- 2
Hey so I hope I'm doing this right, I'm extremely new to the site and kinda to forums too, I'm an early 2000s kid so I'm not exactly used to those, let me know if I need to fix something.
I don't know where to even start from it's kinda like, wow here I go explaining my whole life to strangers again, how do you even summarise something like that, right?
I don't even know which part I want to start from, I'm going in loops in my own head, outside in the middle of the night reflecting on it all.
I guess I'll start with the fact I had a very traumatic childhood, separated parents, my father later died, though I barely knew him, narcissistic mother, mentally ill grandmother, sexual attempts from family friends, many adults were unkind or flat out failed me. Sat through a lot of my mom's boyfriends, some were not so nice to me verbally, but also I had to sit through their daily fights.
When I say I became a shell of a person, I mean it. Closed off, incapable of interacting with my peers normally as a teen, so ashamed of myself for god knows what from all the verbal abuse I endured throughout the years that I didn't want to make a peep or take up more space than "I should". The amount of experiences I lost out on in my teen years are innumerable and I didn't quite develop socially until much later. Really made me vulnerable in adulthood cause I had no clue what I was doing, ended up in many bad relationships and situations and friendships; got sexually assaulted due to that same inexperience and had my best friend at the time spread it to the whole class after I begged her to not tell anyone. I think I might be in one now, too, honestly god knows. All this because of this stupid fear of being alone and I let so many people step all over me just for that, only to end up alone again a lot of times and having to rebuild again, again and again. And I still carry all the shame of everything everyone did to me. And I still question every day is it all my fault? Maybe I'm a narcissist just like my mother. Well, I wish it had at least come with all of that charisma if it really is that. For awhile, I was flourishing socially, but again I've gone in my hole again and I feel so stuck, feeling like I'm aging too fast, feeling like I'm missing out on it all because I'm broke, because I'm afraid, because I can't rely on parents, because I didn't start medicating my ADHD early enough because my mother never believed I had it.
I've gone through so many suicide attempts, some almost successful, yet that hole has remained for years. Feels like no matter what I do I'll always feel alone, I'll always lose people, I'll always be poor, I'll always feel like I've not achieved anything.
The best thing in my life right now is frankly my pet bunny.
I do all the sports, the hobbies, I work, I take courses, I maintain my appearance, I read, I take care of myself and of the people around me
I'm lusted after by men and admired or sometimes envied by women (haha, hence my funny username) but beyond that, I can't connect.
And funnily enough I've always felt like more of a weird creature than a woman. Like I'm only pretending to be one and there's something else underneath the skin.
It all amounts to nothing
I don't know where to even start from it's kinda like, wow here I go explaining my whole life to strangers again, how do you even summarise something like that, right?
I don't even know which part I want to start from, I'm going in loops in my own head, outside in the middle of the night reflecting on it all.
I guess I'll start with the fact I had a very traumatic childhood, separated parents, my father later died, though I barely knew him, narcissistic mother, mentally ill grandmother, sexual attempts from family friends, many adults were unkind or flat out failed me. Sat through a lot of my mom's boyfriends, some were not so nice to me verbally, but also I had to sit through their daily fights.
When I say I became a shell of a person, I mean it. Closed off, incapable of interacting with my peers normally as a teen, so ashamed of myself for god knows what from all the verbal abuse I endured throughout the years that I didn't want to make a peep or take up more space than "I should". The amount of experiences I lost out on in my teen years are innumerable and I didn't quite develop socially until much later. Really made me vulnerable in adulthood cause I had no clue what I was doing, ended up in many bad relationships and situations and friendships; got sexually assaulted due to that same inexperience and had my best friend at the time spread it to the whole class after I begged her to not tell anyone. I think I might be in one now, too, honestly god knows. All this because of this stupid fear of being alone and I let so many people step all over me just for that, only to end up alone again a lot of times and having to rebuild again, again and again. And I still carry all the shame of everything everyone did to me. And I still question every day is it all my fault? Maybe I'm a narcissist just like my mother. Well, I wish it had at least come with all of that charisma if it really is that. For awhile, I was flourishing socially, but again I've gone in my hole again and I feel so stuck, feeling like I'm aging too fast, feeling like I'm missing out on it all because I'm broke, because I'm afraid, because I can't rely on parents, because I didn't start medicating my ADHD early enough because my mother never believed I had it.
I've gone through so many suicide attempts, some almost successful, yet that hole has remained for years. Feels like no matter what I do I'll always feel alone, I'll always lose people, I'll always be poor, I'll always feel like I've not achieved anything.
The best thing in my life right now is frankly my pet bunny.
I do all the sports, the hobbies, I work, I take courses, I maintain my appearance, I read, I take care of myself and of the people around me
I'm lusted after by men and admired or sometimes envied by women (haha, hence my funny username) but beyond that, I can't connect.
And funnily enough I've always felt like more of a weird creature than a woman. Like I'm only pretending to be one and there's something else underneath the skin.
It all amounts to nothing
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