user667
Student
- May 11, 2020
- 255
i'm so fucking pissed. i was planning to do it on the 30th. i planned it for a month. and then i couldn't. i wasn't even anxious about dying. i was just so scared of failing. and so tired. i'm so depressed i can't get out of bed. i guess that includes killing myself. i try to force myself but i just fall asleep. it doesn't help that the only time i can take SN with lower chances of being "saved" is at 2 am. i usually am asleep by 10 pm. it sounds so easy to just stay up a few extra hours so i can get everything i've ever wanted. but my body just passes out. i might do it at like 1 am so that's an hour earlier. it's just so hard. like living is so hard and dying is so hard but surviving is easy. it's so easy to just roll over and go back to sleep. but it's miserable. i want out of this world more than i've ever wanted anything. i want to die so fucking bad. and i promised myself i would be strong and fight so that i could die but apparently i wasn't strong enough. the regret i felt when i woke up on january 31st not dead was the worst thing i've ever felt. i want to die and i'm going to keep trying but i don't know when i'll make it. the only option i have for my SN is to take it in my room at night. i'm so scared someone is going to hear me vomiting and groaning. i don't have an antiemetic so i know i'm going to vomit a lot. i'm so scared of getting caught. i woke up at 2 am last night (i wouldve done it then but i hadn't fasted so i couldn't) and i was the only one awake so i tried to make some noise to test if they would wake up or check on me. i crinkled a bag really loudly and dropped some stuff on the floor so it made some noise and crashed into my closet door and no one woke up or checked on me. so at least that gives me some reassurance it could work. i'm just scared. am i ever going to be able to do it? i want it so bad. there is no doubt in my mind about that. i feel as though i'm never going to make it out of this inescapable hell.
