KimDokja
Constellation
- Apr 19, 2025
- 6
I have decided that I'm gonna to CTB next month. I still have to figure out a date and practice my preferred method, plus take care of a few things. I feel like I have no choice but to do it, and to be honest, after being a passive suicidal for years I feel like it's a relief to have decided to do this. I know I'm young, but I don't think I have a future. I'm not excited about it anyway. I wasn't born to be a functional human, unfortunately.
Still, it's normal to feel like everything feels like a joke? I feel like I should be more nervous about this; think about it more, feel scared, I don't know if I'm making myself clear, but I mean, it's literally death. I wonder if deep down I feel like I'm not going to do it. When the day comes, am I going to chicken out and not do it?
I don't know, but I really want to do it. I was thinking of giving away some of my stuff to my friends, and I've already missed enough classes, it will be impossible for me to retake them this year so at this point I'm just waiting. Maybe getting rid of my stuff and fucking up the only thing I do on a daily basis will give me more encouragement?
Also, there aren't many things I want to do before I die, and if there are, I don't have the money to do them. Maybe I'll feel fulfilled when I finish my favorite book... it's really the only thing I'd be sad not to do before the day comes
Sorry for my bad english btw haha, and thanks for reading me I guess. I feel free being able to talk about this without feeling judged. Thanks.
Still, it's normal to feel like everything feels like a joke? I feel like I should be more nervous about this; think about it more, feel scared, I don't know if I'm making myself clear, but I mean, it's literally death. I wonder if deep down I feel like I'm not going to do it. When the day comes, am I going to chicken out and not do it?
I don't know, but I really want to do it. I was thinking of giving away some of my stuff to my friends, and I've already missed enough classes, it will be impossible for me to retake them this year so at this point I'm just waiting. Maybe getting rid of my stuff and fucking up the only thing I do on a daily basis will give me more encouragement?
Also, there aren't many things I want to do before I die, and if there are, I don't have the money to do them. Maybe I'll feel fulfilled when I finish my favorite book... it's really the only thing I'd be sad not to do before the day comes
Sorry for my bad english btw haha, and thanks for reading me I guess. I feel free being able to talk about this without feeling judged. Thanks.
