Now that employers are making it clear that my experience means nothing. And my own knowledge that I'm antisocial and can't do help desk jobs. And being in a hurdle of not wanting to lose disability benefits for temporary work that will end. I want to ctb so bad but SI is still there. I only have my parents in this world and when there gone it's off to jail so I can have a roof over my head and some reading time. So I want to ctb badly. It's like no one understands the dredd I'm going through on a daily basis. I get up at 8 and lay in bed for 2 hours. Then I take a walk for 20 mins and my back and legs are killing me. So I lay in bed for another 30 minutes until it becomes unbearable. Then my mom gets home and I bother her. Then I lay on the couch while my mother watches tv. And I sit there. And I sit there. And I sit there. Nothing changes. Life is a hell of boredom and impeding doom.
I want to do partial hanging but scared of becoming a vegetable. And the SI. And the wrong that's been done to me in this world that wants justice. And the darkness. I don't know if I like or dislike the thought of nothingness and no eternity. Boredom seems to tell me there can't be an eternity to fill the void of boredom . And that makes me angry at the higher power. You'd think it would be on his todo list. You make the Big Bang yet can't fulfill eternal bliss for all your creation?!
I want to do partial hanging but scared of becoming a vegetable. And the SI. And the wrong that's been done to me in this world that wants justice. And the darkness. I don't know if I like or dislike the thought of nothingness and no eternity. Boredom seems to tell me there can't be an eternity to fill the void of boredom . And that makes me angry at the higher power. You'd think it would be on his todo list. You make the Big Bang yet can't fulfill eternal bliss for all your creation?!
