Venting Does anyone here just delude themselves into thinking they're going to CTB, even though they're not going to?

[bigbeatmanifesto]

Unfortunately like probably a lot of people on here my SI is way too strong and there's a little voice inside me saying that I'll never be able to CTB. Nevertheless I somehow managed to delude myself into thinking I will CTB as this gives me comfort and gives me the strength (sometimes) to be able to get through each day. Anyone else relate?

 

[sharky]

Absolutely the same. I think my SI is too strong and there's always a tiny bit of hope left inside of me so i won't ctb. But the thought of ctb is comforting in a way, because there is actually a way out of misery. It's just very hard to do. But for me, i know I'll eventually have to do it somehow. I will. Some day. And that makes me feel (a tiny bit) better

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, I tell myself that if things get so unbearable, it is always possible to ctb, and that thought does comfort me, but the truth is that I am trapped in this world because of the lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit and the fear of failure. I therefore doubt that I will ever be able to go through with it. All I want is to be free from all meaningless suffering and pass away peacefully, but yet I am still here as it is so difficult to exit.

 

[hankbank3928]

I really hope when my time comes that SI wont overpower me. I MUST ctb. It's scary to me to think that I will never ctb.

 

[Eternity]

Yes, but I think (as I speak for myself) that suicidal ideation is mostly some sort of coping mechanism. When things become unbearable, the thought of killing yourself gives you control & calms you down. When you feel it comes to a point where you can't handle it anymore, you have at least control over the pain (by choosing ctb).

Personally I've reached a stage where I feel trapped and there's no perspective on recovery for me anymore, so I noticed I'm getting closer everyday now.
But still, have to deal with SI indeed.

 

[Aeathelina]

Yes, I tell myself that if things get so unbearable, it is always possible to ctb, and that thought does comfort me, but the truth is that I am trapped in this world because of the lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit and the fear of failure. I therefore doubt that I will ever be able to go through with it. All I want is to be free from all meaningless suffering and pass away peacefully, but yet I am still here as it is so difficult to exit.

Yea its the fear of knowing that the most sure fire method of CTBing is a swift and painful one that isnt always 100%

 

[fox_wannabe]

Oh!! It is me! I can relate.
I will probably never ctb because of my family.

 

[Zebedee]

I guess maybe I am deluded. I have the equipment I need to ctb (or try), but I suspect I will never really muster the courage it takes... Which means I'll probably remain trapped in a perpetual cycle of misery and depression.

 

[Stormboxer]

I recently bought SN, I don't know how ill feel once I have it but my thoughts currently are that I'm going to do it. My SI feels very weak

Yes, I tell myself that if things get so unbearable, it is always possible to ctb, and that thought does comfort me, but the truth is that I am trapped in this world because of the lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit and the fear of failure. I therefore doubt that I will ever be able to go through with it. All I want is to be free from all meaningless suffering and pass away peacefully, but yet I am still here as it is so difficult to exit.

I've seen you on a lot of threads so you must know a few things. Is SN not a peaceful and reliable way to exit? This is the method I'm thinking of using and everyone here says its one of the better ways. What are its downsides?

 

[...]

possibly yes but idek at this point. guess we'll find at some point in the next 80 years

 

[FuneralCry]

I recently bought SN, I don't know how ill feel once I have it but my thoughts currently are that I'm going to do it. My SI feels very weak

I've seen you on a lot of threads so you must know a few things. Is SN not a peaceful and reliable way to exit? This is the method I'm thinking of using and everyone here says its one of the better ways. What are its downsides?

I do not know anything at all about SN, but if you make a few more posts you should be able to access the search function, so you can search for what you need to know.

 

[Stormboxer]

I do not know anything at all about SN, but if you make a few more posts you should be able to access the search function, so you can search for what you need to know.

Thank you. I just started using the search function and there is a lot of helpful info.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

Absolutely the same. I think my SI is too strong and there's always a tiny bit of hope left inside of me so i won't ctb. But the thought of ctb is comforting in a way, because there is actually a way out of misery. It's just very hard to do. But for me, i know I'll eventually have to do it somehow. I will. Some day. And that makes me feel (a tiny bit) better

I fucking HATE that tiny bit of hope! I wish it would just PISS OFF!!!

 

[VoidDesirer22]

Unfortunately like probably a lot of people on here my SI is way too strong and there's a little voice inside me saying that I'll never be able to CTB. Nevertheless I somehow managed to delude myself into thinking I will CTB as this gives me comfort and gives me the strength (sometimes) to be able to get through each day. Anyone else relate?

This is how I was when I first made my account here on SS.
There has since been a shift in me the last 2 months, where I can visualize myself overcoming SI without too much trouble. I will have a fast heart beat and will be scared, but I'll drink my N and sit back and close my eyes while listening to some soft music.

I am mortal, so I have to die anyway. I want it to be a planned death, not a dumb accident.

 

[JamieJambo]

Unfortunately like probably a lot of people on here my SI is way too strong and there's a little voice inside me saying that I'll never be able to CTB. Nevertheless I somehow managed to delude myself into thinking I will CTB as this gives me comfort and gives me the strength (sometimes) to be able to get through each day. Anyone else relate?

I've made a few thread discussing the exact same issue. I am using the fantasy of suicide for the relief it gives me when I think of it... I hope that I will be able to, but then when I try or set things up I hardly go very far, showing me how weak my determination it... I think in order to kill yourself you need to be in unbearable pain which will give rise to the determination.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

No, im absolutely intending to do it. I am just trying to do it when the timing is not as bad.

 

[NobodyKnowsMe]

I am just trying to do it when the timing is not as bad.

How will you know that the timing is right?

I think me telling myself that 'now is not the right time', as well as saying many other things to myself, is really just my SI taking control. Will I ever get past it? I honestly don't know.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

How will you know that the timing is right?

I think me telling myself that 'now is not the right time', as well as saying many other things to myself, is really just my SI taking control. Will I ever get past it? I honestly don't know.

No time is the right time. The fact of the matter is, i'm going to do it a little bit after my sister gets out of inpatient so my mom has her other child around when I CTB. Maybe the pain of my family will cause my sister to get her life back on track as a blessing in disguise... All i know is I NEED out. There is nothing to be gained from me living.

I plan to watch this one music video that severely triggers my dysphoria to overcome my SI when I gulp that SN. And every day leading up to it, im gonna tell myself that i am never gonna be attractive like those that I am jealous of. That is my strategy.

 

[Nlis2244]

I always worry about this. I am absolutely convinced that I want to die, but I still worry. Will I be able to Ctb, or am I just trying to cope by fantasizing about what makes me feel better? A year ago I thought that I would have been long dead by now, and felt relieved by that thought, and yet I am still here. I now plan to die possibly before the end of summer, and certainly before 2023. Now I have a plan, unlike last year, and i think and act like these are my final months, but still... Will I be able to really do it? I first thought about my plan in October-November, and the final date seemed far away, but time passes quickly. If I'll go trough with it, it would mean that since when I created my plan, I have already lived half of my remaining life. Even if I want to die, it's strange to think that I am living the last month's of my life. I guess I'll find out soon if I'm able to die, or if I'll have to continue suffering.

 

[ornitier199]

No, I know I will ctb, the question has always been when and when the circles will end.
It's a matter of when not what.

 

[lessonlearned]

No, I know I will ctb, the question has always been when and when the circles will end.
It's a matter of when not what.

i can relate to that a lot. i know it's gonna happen i just don't know when

 

[Ligottian]

I've said this before in other posts. When the pain of living finally outweighs the instinct of survival is when I will do it. I'm not sure when that will happen, but I know of certain red lines, that if I must cross, would do it.

 

[outatime_85]

Whether my SI is strong or not.

I would rather have the means to delete than sit around feeling miserable.

So I have begun to collect the puzzle pieces required, just in case.

Better to have the option and not need or want it, than to need or want it and not have it.

 

[Graham]

Unfortunately like probably a lot of people on here my SI is way too strong and there's a little voice inside me saying that I'll never be able to CTB. Nevertheless I somehow managed to delude myself into thinking I will CTB as this gives me comfort and gives me the strength (sometimes) to be able to get through each day. Anyone else relate?

Whatever gets you through the day is good

My view is we all die one day

Weather by natural causes, old age, accident, fate, your own hand

Death doesn't scare me

Being lonely or left alone is more scary

 

[locked*n*loaded]

My plans are formulated in order to actually go through with it. I don't think I'm deluding myself, at all.

 

[Enemy of Evolution]

I keep on postponing my date by using small excuses like weather is too cold, it's too rainy, this month has birthday of my niece, my brother had exam this month. Or any excuse to delay my departure. I had done this for 4 years. Still unable to fix a date and a method and a location to ctb. I am a coward.

 

[IwanttodieASAP]

I think we can all relate . But I will preserve until I succeed

 

[TimetoGo!]

Unfortunately like probably a lot of people on here my SI is way too strong and there's a little voice inside me saying that I'll never be able to CTB. Nevertheless I somehow managed to delude myself into thinking I will CTB as this gives me comfort and gives me the strength (sometimes) to be able to get through each day. Anyone else relate?

I say to myself everyday I'll find a way to CBT.............I know I havnt had the worst life but debts are too much to stay here

 

[Givenuponlife]

Yes. I'm a serial procrastinator, which doesn't help! I also do wonder if there is something to life that most others seem to experience and wondering whether or not I'm just wasting time thinking about ending it all.
I like to say I'm waiting for the "least bad" time though (I don't believe that there is ever a "good" time for me to CTB).

 

[actual_fox]

I keep on postponing my date by using small excuses like weather is too cold, it's too rainy, this month has birthday of my niece, my brother had exam this month. Or any excuse to delay my departure. I had done this for 4 years. Still unable to fix a date and a method and a location to ctb. I am a coward.

It is very hard. Very hard. *gives you hug*

Yes. I'm a serial procrastinator,

There is a theory that brain makes you lazy and unmotivated because It is easier to ctb when you are depressed and full of energy. This is safety mechanism