does anyone else not want to be happy

[cantthinkofusername]

i just dont really think its for me. being sad isnt good. it's unbearable sometimes. but i've tried being happy a lot of times and it feels just as unbearable. i dont know. i dont want to be happy i just want to be whole.
i know its silly to say 'ive tried being happy and i didnt like it' but i dont know how else to characterize it. being happy isn't enough. life is inherently meaningless and when i was happy i could smile and laugh and look forwards to waking up but it didn't change anything really. happiness is poison.
i know its silly to say 'ive tried being happy and i didnt like it' but i dont know how else to characterize it. being happy isn't enough. life is inherently meaningless and when i was happy i could smile and laugh and look forwards to waking up but it didn't change anything really. happiness is poison.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Idk why you wouldn't wanna be "happy"

Actual "Happiness" may only last for a short amount of time when we have the rush in our brain of sth that we enjoy but imo happiness is more and it also depends on how our lives are on average. Whether positive experiences outweigh negative ones - that is the case for average lives.

Idk why you don't wanna be happy but I can tell you my life is really just avg and kinda "surviving" with nearly 0 options to do sth else but staying at home - I wish I could do things that made me happy - yet I don't have the means for it to happen.

I would want to be happy and enjoy my life.

 

[timechained]

You would never know it,
The constant pain I feel,
Because in the light of day
It almost isn't real.

Sure, I'll play, I'll laugh,
I'll sing some songs,
But that pain is always lurking
Because it's been here all along.

And when the darkness comes
With its all-consuming power,
It slowly takes my soul
Hour by dreadful hour.

But they tell me that I'm strong enough.
They swear that it gets better.
They say, "If you can just hold out
and bear this stormy weather."

They tell me, "You will be happy one day.
All you need do is fight."
But what they seem to forget
Is after each day comes the night.

And so I act along.
I play my part
While this crushing darkness
Slowly breaks my heart.

The Darkness
Dallas E. Krystof.
Family Friend Poems, July 17, 2018. https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/the-darkness-24

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think the problem with fleeting happiness is the realisation that it likely will be fleeting. That it may hurt more to crash back down again. I used to get an accompanying sense of fear when I experienced moments of happiness.

Plus, forced happiness or positivity at least is exhausting. It's really not fun to pretend to be something you're not- I've found. I think that's partly why I try to isolate. I don't want to have to put on an act of being ok.

I suppose what I've tried to aim for more is contentment. I don't know if that's all that healthy though- in terms of recovery. I'm content being alone because there's no conflict, no pretense, no obligation to pretend to be who I'm not. I'm content in no longer pushing my career to progress, because it means I don't have to pretend in some corporate setting, that everything is great.

I can enjoy things- food, games, films, work opportunities without thinking they will turn my life around- which could be good but, also carries with it the risk of failure and disappointment. So, life is certainly less joyful but, it's more stable I've found. A lot simply washes over now.

 

[Griever]

I don't think I've ever been happy and I'll never be happy

 

[StupidCat]

I want to be happy. But I feel like every action I make brings me unhappiness. Like I'm constantly sabotaging myself without knowing.
That feels like the only plausible explanation why I make some stupid fucking decisions that end up ruining the fleeting happiness I was feeling.

 

[dead-orchids]

I understand - I don't want to be happy either. For me, it's just terrifying. I genuinely don't know who I would be if I were capable of feeling happiness.

 

[ForsakenEcho]

I feel like I really want to be happy, but it's also so easy to slip back into certain patterns that end up making me feel sad.
I think because that emotional state feels more familiar, I tend to not care as much when I'm in it.

But in the few moments when I'm genuinely happy, I can't help but think how amazing it would be if I could just stay that way a little longer.

 

[lemonbunny]

being happy is nice but it's the upkeep that's exhausting and unsustainable

 

[Amile]

I want but it just seems impossible, and that void product of the desire of happiness kills me.
I guess I just have not learned to dissociate myself from my happy memories from a decade ago.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

Happiness is great but there is this bizarre, primal, visceral sense of warmth and safety when I am suicidal that I haven't been able to replicate anywhere else.