I'm at peace with the thought that I'll be on antidepressants and other pills fore rest of my life.
Even tho im fighting for many years I'm doing my best not to loose hope. I don't know if I belive in recovery but in the same time I'm not letting hope away. If not hope I would be dead a long time ago.
I'm at peace with the thought that I'll be on antidepressants and other pills fore rest of my life.
Even tho im fighting for many years I'm doing my best not to loose hope. I don't know if I belive in recovery but in the same time I'm not letting hope away. If not hope I would be dead a long time ago.
I was at peace with that for 15 years. Until I realised every antidepressant made me want to die, just in a less extreme way of expression. So, I'm enjoying the higher highs and the lowest lows without medication. I feel like it's worth living, just because I don't know what will happen next.
Will I experience a high? Or can I escape the next low? I have no idea.
I'm not too worried about the outcomes, but I would like to experience pleasure or pain, not the anticipation of either.
I'm somehow functioning in society though, better than I ever did on medication. I think the extremes of the human experience, when articulated in the right forums to the right people, can actually do a lot of good.
It's just that nobody knows just how much pain I'm experiencing to credibly help others. I think I don't even know.
I often lose sight of any of the good I seem to be doing. If I can help even just one person at a time that's great. Though it's hard to even care about anything or anyone when I truly reflect on my own existence.
Maybe it's interesting looking in from the outside haha, but I wouldn't mind not experiencing anything again. A violent end could be interesting.
I wonder, how would I help someone exactly like myself. The problem is if I fix everything about myself, the world is still unchanging, rather, it keeps getting worse right?
How could any sane person be at peace within this insane world truly? The only rational response seems to be to lash out. My responses used to be worse. Somehow, I've contained them to working in a mental health field utilising lived experience.
I might relate to others well. Although, I may be slightly full of shit when I know every answer to provide for recovery. Knowing that recovery is different for everybody, tailoring a recovery for each unique person. Still, unable to find recovery for myself.
I guess, with people that struggle and cannot find a way to recover completely, they can still go on the journey. I'm on the journey of recovery and I never expect it to end, but there's still hope it might, I can't be sure, logically speaking.
I think it's all too easy to lead somebody on a wild goose chase of recovery though. Every psychologist can provide therapy for a lifetime for a reason. There's never an end to providing recovery. However, if you find your own recovery, you might actually recover.
I still honestly don't know if I'll be a person that can ever achieve recovery. Maybe that unknown in life is part of the magic of life. The challenge may just be sticking to recovering.
It could be all too easy to give up and self-destruct. If we can all steer clear of that. We may just have as much of a chance at a happy life as somebody that isn't suicidal.
Well, that's the end of my train of thought.... What to do next?
I do miss taking everything I could from life without any regard. This sustainable life of peace is so unusual and dull to me. I am just so privileged aren't I. So lucky to be alive in a reasonably safe part of the world.
Just thinking about the state of the globe, nothing could feel more defeating. To self-destruct would be such indulgence.
I might be a recovery agnostic. I should just take dmt every hour so I can vote that I've fully recovered and seen god. Depression doesn't exist within the dmt universe. Only awe, love and connection or at worst, terror. Three lovely feelings regardless.
I was at peace with that for 15 years. Until I realised every antidepressant made me want to die, just in a less extreme way of expression. So, I'm enjoying the higher highs and the lowest lows without medication. I feel like it's worth living, just because I don't know what will happen next.
Will I experience a high? Or can I escape the next low? I have no idea.
I'm not too worried about the outcomes, but I would like to experience pleasure or pain, not the anticipation of either.
I'm somehow functioning in society though, better than I ever did on medication. I think the extremes of the human experience, when articulated in the right forums to the right people, can actually do a lot of good.
It's just that nobody knows just how much pain I'm experiencing to credibly help others. I think I don't even know.
I often lose sight of any of the good I seem to be doing. If I can help even just one person at a time that's great. Though it's hard to even care about anything or anyone when I truly reflect on my own existence.
Maybe it's interesting looking in from the outside haha, but I wouldn't mind not experiencing anything again. A violent end could be interesting.
I wonder, how would I help someone exactly like myself. The problem is if I fix everything about myself, the world is still unchanging, rather, it keeps getting worse right?
How could any sane person be at peace within this insane world truly? The only rational response seems to be to lash out. My responses used to be worse. Somehow, I've contained them to working in a mental health field utilising lived experience.
I might relate to others well. Although, I may be slightly full of shit when I know every answer to provide for recovery. Knowing that recovery is different for everybody, tailoring a recovery for each unique person. Still, unable to find recovery for myself.
I guess, with people that struggle and cannot find a way to recover completely, they can still go on the journey. I'm on the journey of recovery and I never expect it to end, but there's still hope it might, I can't be sure, logically speaking.
I think it's all too easy to lead somebody on a wild goose chase of recovery though. Every psychologist can provide therapy for a lifetime for a reason. There's never an end to providing recovery. However, if you find your own recovery, you might actually recover.
I still honestly don't know if I'll be a person that can ever achieve recovery. Maybe that unknown in life is part of the magic of life. The challenge may just be sticking to recovering.
It could be all too easy to give up and self-destruct. If we can all steer clear of that. We may just have as much of a chance at a happy life as somebody that isn't suicidal.
Well, that's the end of my train of thought.... What to do next?
I do miss taking everything I could from life without any regard. This sustainable life of peace is so unusual and dull to me. I am just so privileged aren't I. So lucky to be alive in a reasonably safe part of the world.
Just thinking about the state of the globe, nothing could feel more defeating. To self-destruct would be such indulgence.
I might be a recovery agnostic. I should just take dmt every hour so I can vote that I've fully recovered and seen god. Depression doesn't exist within the dmt universe. Only awe, love and connection or at worst, terror. Three lovely feelings regardless.
I think, the most beautiful way to die would be as a sacrifice. It's just the question of whether more can be achieved through life or through death.
