NSFW do you think that you being friends with people makes their lives worse indirectly?

[monetpompo]

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i literally always think this and it's one of the main reasons i want to kill myself lol. i don't want anyone i care deeply for or care about at all to bear witness to my suicide attempts or constant depressive episodes in between the "good parts" of being friends with me, which is what they ultimately signed up for. i don't want my own mental state to affect others, because i know it affects others unless i just avoid saying anything about it at all. but that just feels impossible. if i'm not giving them enough "good parts" then i really should just up and leave their lives so they can be happy with friends that can regulate their emotions properly, while i play in my proverbial sandbox and weep because i have no way to become mature.

i just feel like my feelings are too much for anybody. i'm way more unstable and clingy when i'm isolated and in a perpetual depressive spiral that doesn't end unless i kill myself or get a boyfriend that distracts me from my own problems. it's really fucked up that heteronormativity is so engrained in other people that they tell me that dating a guy will make my life way better, because my life is fucking empty and destitute if i'm not hopelessly in love with a guy. when i'm hanging out with a guy at all people have literally assumed we're dating, and that's fucked up.

when i was 2 years younger i used to engage in self destructive sex to avoid wrecking a relationship with someone, because i knew i was unstable and undesirable, but then i started getting attached to these random guys i was having sex with because i didn't actually feel close to anyone in my life. for all of 2025 i was celibate because i was fixated on suicide. now when i think about sex i just feel like i have nothing left, because i've let myself go after not leaving the house or exercising at all during my depression. i stopped making myself pretty, because i had no one to look pretty for anymore. i hate the entire month of feburary because it's all about love and dating and you're a garbage piece of shit if you're not in love or happy that other people are in love. for all of december i was irritated because everything was love songs and couples and having a merry, merry christmas with your family. last year i was incredibly miserable and i isolated from everyone or tried to get them to hate me, because i hated myself. and i think that i'll always keep on doing that, because that's the kind of person i am.

i'm just miserable. i'm just a miserable person. i don't want to infect anybody with my negativity and fearful self-loathing anymore, because i know it's seeping out of every pore of my body. i just feel like strangling myself or selling my phone at an electronics store so i never text anyone still in my life and "lose" everyone's numbers. i want to disappear from everyone's lives so they just stop caring about me already. i hate that people care about me when i don't feel like anyone should.

i feel like i can't be close to anyone in any way because i get too jealous and i'm too fixated on the idea that i have an "expiration date" in people's lives. i wish that my death would happen so that i didn't have to put any effort into disappearing. because i really do wish that people would assume that i'm dead if they don't hear back from me, even though that's messed up. i haven't ever thought to myself, "i contribute a lot to my friends' and family's lives", because i don't. i don't contribute anything. i don't do anything. i'm just a mentally ill loser. i only feel good if i buy gifts for people because at least i'm giving something they can enjoy even if they don't like me, but i don't have enough money to constantly be giving people gifts. i think that if i keep feeling like this i don't deserve to be friends with anybody.

 

[doloris988]

it's so hard to be attached to people, so hard to love anyone when everything is always so volatile it feels like its just easier to stay away and staying away is so lonely and hurts so much
wishing you happiness

 

[itsgone2]

Yes. I'm cancer.

 

[Happy Cat]

I never get to that point lmao. I always stop talking to them in less than a month. This is online though, I can't find friends irl I'm too anti-social

it's so hard to be attached to people, so hard to love anyone when everything is always so volatile it feels like its just easier to stay away and staying away is so lonely and hurts so much
wishing you happiness

I try finding people that are like me and literally no one is like that. I'm too picky for my own good

 

[Jadeith]

i literally always think this and it's one of the main reasons i want to kill myself lol. i don't want anyone i care deeply for or care about at all to bear witness to my suicide attempts or constant depressive episodes in between the "good parts" of being friends with me, which is what they ultimately signed up for. i don't want my own mental state to affect others, because i know it affects others unless i just avoid saying anything about it at all. but that just feels impossible. if i'm not giving them enough "good parts" then i really should just up and leave their lives so they can be happy with friends that can regulate their emotions properly, while i play in my proverbial sandbox and weep because i have no way to become mature.

It's not your presence that makes their life worse, directly or indirectly. Losing you definitely will. I know that mindset many of us share (me to some point included) says that we're a burden. A destructive force that taints others, making them miserable and making them suffer. Thing is, if you got anyone that sticks around despite of all that dark aura you think you emanate - that person on persons actually chose on their own to stay within your "circles". It was their decision to stick around despite all the shit you tell (or rather your mind tries to tell you) about yourself and however you might think they are suffering now, they will suffer 10x more when you're gone.
Not trying to guilt trip you out of CTBing, just don't lie to yourself that they will not miss you and they will suffer less than with you existing.

 

[monetpompo]

Not trying to guilt trip you out of CTBing, just don't lie to yourself that they will not miss you and they will suffer less than with you existing.

thank you dawg. self hatred and suicidal tendencies are paradoxical because you can care deeply about others who experiences the same symptoms as you or worry about the people close to you, but hate yourself 100x more than you care about others.

my friends probably will miss me. i secretly enjoy reading threads about people talking about how their loved ones might feel and then seeing "they'll move on", because i feel like they'll realize how much i sucked now that i'm dead. but i would never feel that way about someone else, even if i actually hated them. i've thought the same about sasu members that related to the way i feel. it feels weird that people here understand the way my thoughts work when everyone else just says they're illogical and don't make sense. it's so easy to hate yourself when you feel like you spread negativity by existing.

 

[fadedghost]

View attachment 191934​

i literally always think this and it's one of the main reasons i want to kill myself lol. i don't want anyone i care deeply for or care about at all to bear witness to my suicide attempts or constant depressive episodes in between the "good parts" of being friends with me, which is what they ultimately signed up for. i don't want my own mental state to affect others, because i know it affects others unless i just avoid saying anything about it at all. but that just feels impossible. if i'm not giving them enough "good parts" then i really should just up and leave their lives so they can be happy with friends that can regulate their emotions properly, while i play in my proverbial sandbox and weep because i have no way to become mature.

i just feel like my feelings are too much for anybody. i'm way more unstable and clingy when i'm isolated and in a perpetual depressive spiral that doesn't end unless i kill myself or get a boyfriend that distracts me from my own problems. it's really fucked up that heteronormativity is so engrained in other people that they tell me that dating a guy will make my life way better, because my life is fucking empty and destitute if i'm not hopelessly in love with a guy. when i'm hanging out with a guy at all people have literally assumed we're dating, and that's fucked up.

when i was 2 years younger i used to engage in self destructive sex to avoid wrecking a relationship with someone, because i knew i was unstable and undesirable, but then i started getting attached to these random guys i was having sex with because i didn't actually feel close to anyone in my life. for all of 2025 i was celibate because i was fixated on suicide. now when i think about sex i just feel like i have nothing left, because i've let myself go after not leaving the house or exercising at all during my depression. i stopped making myself pretty, because i had no one to look pretty for anymore. i hate the entire month of feburary because it's all about love and dating and you're a garbage piece of shit if you're not in love or happy that other people are in love. for all of december i was irritated because everything was love songs and couples and having a merry, merry christmas with your family. last year i was incredibly miserable and i isolated from everyone or tried to get them to hate me, because i hated myself. and i think that i'll always keep on doing that, because that's the kind of person i am.

i'm just miserable. i'm just a miserable person. i don't want to infect anybody with my negativity and fearful self-loathing anymore, because i know it's seeping out of every pore of my body. i just feel like strangling myself or selling my phone at an electronics store so i never text anyone still in my life and "lose" everyone's numbers. i want to disappear from everyone's lives so they just stop caring about me already. i hate that people care about me when i don't feel like anyone should.

i feel like i can't be close to anyone in any way because i get too jealous and i'm too fixated on the idea that i have an "expiration date" in people's lives. i wish that my death would happen so that i didn't have to put any effort into disappearing. because i really do wish that people would assume that i'm dead if they don't hear back from me, even though that's messed up. i haven't ever thought to myself, "i contribute a lot to my friends' and family's lives", because i don't. i don't contribute anything. i don't do anything. i'm just a mentally ill loser. i only feel good if i buy gifts for people because at least i'm giving something they can enjoy even if they don't like me, but i don't have enough money to constantly be giving people gifts. i think that if i keep feeling like this i don't deserve to be friends with anybody.

thr correct way to be episodically crazy is that when you are not doing well, you avoud ftiends like the plague, and only interact with them when you are functional

Alao find some reason to justify this (ie "lots of work" or "traveling for work in area with low cell service").

It's better to be unavailable for 2-3 months and then come back ehen you are okay. People forget you at 4-5 months so you can skip a month or two even try three in worst case.

 

[Reishi]

Life sadly isnt magically going to get better. I sadly know it often doesn't. I'm not trying to fix you or talk you out of how you feel but know its not selfish for wanting closeness or stability or love.You're not replaceable, you might tell yourself that but in the end no one ever is. You don't have to earn your place by giving gifts or withholding your pain. You're allowed to take up space without apologizing for it.

 

[assassinlord82]

Being a pessimist I feel contributes alot.

 

[Jadeith]

thank you dawg. self hatred and suicidal tendencies are paradoxical because you can care deeply about others who experiences the same symptoms as you or worry about the people close to you, but hate yourself 100x more than you care about others.

True. This strange version of compassion that one shows to others but cannot spare for themselves seem prevalent here and with other suicidal people.

my friends probably will miss me.

Not probably. If they are your friends, they WILL miss you.

i secretly enjoy reading threads about people talking about how their loved ones might feel and then seeing "they'll move on", because i feel like they'll realize how much i sucked now that i'm dead

That's pretty common lie. "World will be better without me", "i'm shitty person making others miserable" etc but if you try to ask such person "prove it. explain precisely how are you a bad person", they usually can't or try that "i'm miserable so i must make them miserable too" fallacy. Thing is, while it is somewhat true, meaning your suffering causes some suffering in others, that doesn't make you a bad person. When a child catches cold, their parents (in functional family) will get worried aka this fact will inflict some kind of hurt on them but is it child's fault? No. You are troubled, your mind is fucked (otherwise you wouldn't be here) and yes, that makes those who care about you worried and those who are deeply compassionate might even feel pain, mental or otherwise. But is it your fault? Did you ask to be as you are? And as i said before - they stayed, right? Despite you being miserable, despite your darkness and your suffering. That was THEIR choice, not yours. They wanted to stay with you and they want you to stay, even if it's a bit selfish of them.

 

[WildChoice.]

As some of the users who responded have already written, I think it's difficult to love someone when everything in life is unstable.

 

[doloris988]

I never get to that point lmao. I always stop talking to them in less than a month. This is online though, I can't find friends irl I'm too anti-social

I try finding people that are like me and literally no one is like that. I'm too picky for my own good

i've found people like me and in my experience you can end up clicking really well and also completely ruining each others lives at the same time so its really pick your poison

 

[monetpompo]

i've found people like me and in my experience you can end up clicking really well and also completely ruining each others lives at the same time

it's really sad to lose a friend because you have so much in common. i just can't be friends with people that are too similar to me because i'll be jealous of them or hate them even though i like them a lot. relationships with irl people are way different than online friends because even though i can contact them it feels unsalvageable. i feel like i hurt people by being their friend.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Yes I really relate. Its been 2 or 3 years since I ran from my past lives/family/friends (plus a year before that of sporadic text contact gradually decreasing). I know I hurt them by 'disappearing'. I've always come and gone a bit with travelling and/or seasonal work in my 20s. But I ran just knowing I was keen to ctb and their 'keenness' to try and offer support made me so much worse because I just don't have words to answer so I became even more flustered and they started questioning what I was bottling/hiding.

I just can't allow myself to trick myself into that position again in 'good/neutral days' because it is just not right or fair on them when I run again. And equally, they now must barely remember me and thus if/when I do finally manage to ctb, they have been fine without me for long enough now that they would be much less (if at all) affected.

 

[YourLocalSadGirly]

In my experience this is the number one feeling that leads others to taking their own life. A significant portion of suicidal people see themselves as a burden on their loved ones in some capacity.

This thought is pretty much always false. Having talked frankly to my friends and parents about suicide they have said that just my presence makes them happy, no need for gifts, no need for me to be happy and fun 24/7. I truly hope this is the case for your friends and family as well. I don't know your friends but any real friend would feel this way for sure.

And speaking from experience from dating someone who committed suicide I can say that's also true. Even at her lowest points her mere existence made me unbelievably happy. I would have gladly supported her for as long as she needed. I know it's a bit different dating someone vs being their friend but I think the sentiment would be the same with your friends.

Thinking that others are better off without you is a trap that makes it easy to excuse your own death. If you want to live you should try your best to reject this line of thinking.

 

[monetpompo]

Thinking that others are better off without you is a trap that makes it easy to excuse your own death. If you want to live you should try your best to reject this line of thinking.

i still remember your post from the recovery section where you talked about grieving your girlfriend who committed suicide. it was very impactful, and one of the things i think back to when i reconsider my suicide, even though i still feel like everyone around me would feel better if i died instead of continuing to have a presence in their lives. i care about my friends, even the ones i don't talk to a lot, and i know they don't hate me, but it's so easy to feel like nothing at all when i feel like i have no worth besides what i give or do for people. my emotional sensitivity gets worse the more time i spend alone.

i don't hang out with my friends a lot and most of them are going to move soon. my depressive spiral only really started when my closest friend and the only one that made an effort to hang out with me one on one moved away from me. he's the only person i want to be around all the time, so i started to resent him for leaving me even though i knew he was happy. i hated him for being happy when i spent so many days being sad and thinking about him, because i'm so inept at making friends and feel uncomfortable around new people. when i spent long hours sitting alone in my room contemplating my suicide and distracting myself to try and repress the thoughts, the whole world seems to fall away. it's like time distortion or something. i can still have fun and laugh but i never feel valued by anyone around me, even when they tell me to my face or text me it, because i doubt them. i just think people are lying to me and i tell them they're lying, because i think they're mocking me or caring about me for so long as a joke. i just end up looking crazy.

i know i'm still going to die because i don't have any desire to fight off this feeling. i hope things are different for you, because you seem like a nice person that's struggling.

 

[webb&flow]

thr correct way to be episodically crazy is that when you are not doing well, you avoud ftiends like the plague, and only interact with them when you are functional

Alao find some reason to justify this (ie "lots of work" or "traveling for work in area with low cell service").

It's better to be unavailable for 2-3 months and then come back ehen you are okay. People forget you at 4-5 months so you can skip a month or two even try three in worst case.

Slow down, you crazy child
And take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while
It's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two (oooh)

—Vienna, Billy Joel

 

[YourLocalSadGirly]

i still remember your post from the recovery section where you talked about grieving your girlfriend who committed suicide. it was very impactful, and one of the things i think back to when i reconsider my suicide, even though i still feel like everyone around me would feel better if i died instead of continuing to have a presence in their lives. i care about my friends, even the ones i don't talk to a lot, and i know they don't hate me, but it's so easy to feel like nothing at all when i feel like i have no worth besides what i give or do for people. my emotional sensitivity gets worse the more time i spend alone.

i don't hang out with my friends a lot and most of them are going to move soon. my depressive spiral only really started when my closest friend and the only one that made an effort to hang out with me one on one moved away from me. he's the only person i want to be around all the time, so i started to resent him for leaving me even though i knew he was happy. i hated him for being happy when i spent so many days being sad and thinking about him, because i'm so inept at making friends and feel uncomfortable around new people. when i spent long hours sitting alone in my room contemplating my suicide and distracting myself to try and repress the thoughts, the whole world seems to fall away. it's like time distortion or something. i can still have fun and laugh but i never feel valued by anyone around me, even when they tell me to my face or text me it, because i doubt them. i just think people are lying to me and i tell them they're lying, because i think they're mocking me or caring about me for so long as a joke. i just end up looking crazy.

i know i'm still going to die because i don't have any desire to fight off this feeling. i hope things are different for you, because you seem like a nice person that's struggling.

I'm happy that my post impacted you like that. It's probably one of the few good things that have come out of what happened. It's ok that you still feel that others would be better off with you dead. It's a hard mindset to break out of, just as long as you're willing to challenge that mindset I think things can definitely improve for you in that area.

I'm sorry that your closest friend moved away. I think it's normal when you're suffering to resent people for being happy. I also resent my friends on some level as all of them have friend groups without me and loving partners (which as you can probably imagine makes me really bitter at times). It's not a healthy feeling though, you need to find a private and healthy outlet for it otherwise it will destroy your friendships. I ruined my friendship with one of my closest friends because of that resentment and there's not a day I don't regret it. Same thing with the suicidal thoughts, repressing them isn't a healthy way to deal with them. I find that journaling helps me deal with my thoughts because it basically gets them out and lets them take a physical form.

On the topic of feeling valued by those around you: that's something that's quite difficult to fix IMO. You can ask 1000 times whether they care about you and even if they say yes 1000 times it'll never feel like enough. I think that small gestures that truly show they care is the way to fix this, and of course talking to your friends about this. Ask them to maybe write or draw something for you whenever they're thinking of you or and that will show you they care. At least that's what I think. I know it means less when they don't do it organically but having them do it at all will help. I think if you explain your feelings they'll understand and would be happy to do that for you.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel like you're going to die. I really hope that you choose to live and can improve your situation but as always on here I respect whatever choice you decide to make for yourself. You also seem like quite the kind and thoughtful person.

 

[Sphinxi]

I think that depressed people are genuinely very difficult and draining to be around, as are unstable people. As a person like that, I am a burden on any person that I form a relationship with. I am exhausting to be around.