I see this in other threads and, I notice it in myself. We sometimes have ways of behaving that we recognise are unpleasant for others and/ or ourselves but, I'll often read that the person feels they 'can't' change. Even that they've made efforts to stop or change but, can't seem to.
How true do you think it is? Is it that we actually can't change? Is it that we can maybe modify our behaviour but the desire to behave in that way will always be there? To varying degrees anyway.
So say- a person prone to addiction will always have those drives- whether or not they sate them? I definitely think for some- it's so much harder to change than others.
I suppose ultimately though, I wonder if it's about what that behaviour is giving us. What need is it fulfilling? Can we be without that need? Can we transfer it on to something safer?
I recognised my earlier crushes in life were likely all limerence. I don't think they impacted my limerent crush all that much. I was too shy/ embarassed to pursue them. But- I could see that they were really messing me up in the head. They were difficult to quit certainly. In some ways- they were the nicest part of my life at the time. To maladaptively daydream we were together.
But, I could recognise, they did more harm than good. I made very conscious efforts to force myself to stop and ensured I didn't fall for someone like that again. I found that having crushes on celebrities and fictional figures were a safer option for me. So, I could transfer some of my needs there.
I eventually wrestled binge eating under control also- which was a real problem for a time. It also used to bring me joy/ relief but then, I hated how it made me feel. I lost a substantial amount of weight at one point also.
Now, perhaps my most damaging faults are lazyness and poor eating habits. I feel like I'm coming to the point it's encroaching on health so- I'll have to be trying to address it. I don't like feeling so shit and tired.
I suppose though, I think we ultimately need very strong reasons to change. I tend to think- if we are still getting something out if our poor behaviour. If we can get away with it too and, if there isn't likely going to be sufficient reward to change- maybe we won't bother.
What do you think? Can will power overcome our character traits we want to or, feel we should change? Are some people truly incapable of change?
Do you trust other people have changed? That's the other side to it. Do you meet your childhood bully say- believing they may have matured? That lots of children have a cruel phase? Or, do you tend to suspect that 'a leopard can't change its spots'?
I tend to think it takes masses of effort to change and sustain that change. It may be a case of keeping ourselves constantly in check. That can relate to things like fighting depression or negative thoughts too. There was a time I considered trying to fight it. Read all sorts of self help books. But, it's exhausting to be constantly challenging your own thinking. To be putting a positive spin on perspectives. It can feel like bullshit too if we don't actually believe it.
I suppose we behave in ways that best serve our needs. I think sometimes I'm so pessimistic and cynical because I'm lethargic and afraid. To try and bring optimism into the frame brings challenges.
For example, maybe I should go for that job. Maybe it would be good for me to be around people again. I think my pessimism and cynicism lets me off the hook a lot of the time. It allows me not to even try- if I tell myself- I have next to no chance to get that job and, I'd likely hate it if I did.
Personally, I think I use it as an excuse to protect myself from situations I would find challenging and uncomfortable. Partly because I know that's simply the reality of it. Those jobs were challenging and uncomfortable in the past and I got very little out of them.
So- I suppose that's something else. Do we use our fears and inabilities and embedded character traits to hide behind? I think I do.
How true do you think it is? Is it that we actually can't change? Is it that we can maybe modify our behaviour but the desire to behave in that way will always be there? To varying degrees anyway.
So say- a person prone to addiction will always have those drives- whether or not they sate them? I definitely think for some- it's so much harder to change than others.
I suppose ultimately though, I wonder if it's about what that behaviour is giving us. What need is it fulfilling? Can we be without that need? Can we transfer it on to something safer?
I recognised my earlier crushes in life were likely all limerence. I don't think they impacted my limerent crush all that much. I was too shy/ embarassed to pursue them. But- I could see that they were really messing me up in the head. They were difficult to quit certainly. In some ways- they were the nicest part of my life at the time. To maladaptively daydream we were together.
But, I could recognise, they did more harm than good. I made very conscious efforts to force myself to stop and ensured I didn't fall for someone like that again. I found that having crushes on celebrities and fictional figures were a safer option for me. So, I could transfer some of my needs there.
I eventually wrestled binge eating under control also- which was a real problem for a time. It also used to bring me joy/ relief but then, I hated how it made me feel. I lost a substantial amount of weight at one point also.
Now, perhaps my most damaging faults are lazyness and poor eating habits. I feel like I'm coming to the point it's encroaching on health so- I'll have to be trying to address it. I don't like feeling so shit and tired.
I suppose though, I think we ultimately need very strong reasons to change. I tend to think- if we are still getting something out if our poor behaviour. If we can get away with it too and, if there isn't likely going to be sufficient reward to change- maybe we won't bother.
What do you think? Can will power overcome our character traits we want to or, feel we should change? Are some people truly incapable of change?
Do you trust other people have changed? That's the other side to it. Do you meet your childhood bully say- believing they may have matured? That lots of children have a cruel phase? Or, do you tend to suspect that 'a leopard can't change its spots'?
I tend to think it takes masses of effort to change and sustain that change. It may be a case of keeping ourselves constantly in check. That can relate to things like fighting depression or negative thoughts too. There was a time I considered trying to fight it. Read all sorts of self help books. But, it's exhausting to be constantly challenging your own thinking. To be putting a positive spin on perspectives. It can feel like bullshit too if we don't actually believe it.
I suppose we behave in ways that best serve our needs. I think sometimes I'm so pessimistic and cynical because I'm lethargic and afraid. To try and bring optimism into the frame brings challenges.
For example, maybe I should go for that job. Maybe it would be good for me to be around people again. I think my pessimism and cynicism lets me off the hook a lot of the time. It allows me not to even try- if I tell myself- I have next to no chance to get that job and, I'd likely hate it if I did.
Personally, I think I use it as an excuse to protect myself from situations I would find challenging and uncomfortable. Partly because I know that's simply the reality of it. Those jobs were challenging and uncomfortable in the past and I got very little out of them.
So- I suppose that's something else. Do we use our fears and inabilities and embedded character traits to hide behind? I think I do.
